Monday, September 4, 2006

e-mail to C/ vent re:lack of true coparenting

Call to M's dad
I like to think that this was polite enough, albeit, not sure sometimes if that matters to anyone but me:) and I suppose, M.

In case you had the ringer on your phone turned off/down again, this is basically what
I said in my message to you about 10 minutes to 9 tonight (I also left one for M. earlier today, and called her cell yesterday; has she gotten those?).

"Hi, C. This is Robin. I've been trying to reach M. I hope you've all been busy doing something fun, but M starts school tomorrow and I'd like to talk with her. Also, it's been over 3 days, so I have been expecting to hear back from her. Thanks."

IIRC, this is the fifth / 5th time this years summer vacation that you have not had M. and I have telephone contact a minimum of every 3 days.
[my side note not in e-mail: I think we missed ONCE this summer with M and him, with M with me]

I have not heard back from you re: transportation for M to school (tomorrow or otherwise), hence, I will assume that you have it covered for the mornings she's with you and due to attend school.

Have a good evening.
-- Robin

Okay, I should have worded this "e-mail to C" about my call to him. It really is ridiculous. Last time M was there, or the time before but I'm thinking the last time but referring to her time before? have to check. M was just in tears coming home.
M had responded to an e-mail from me but had trouble sending it. She was off and on the computer, no biggie, sending horse photos, other things, and not always on e-mail but "safe" sites, too. She has friends she e-mails with, also. Access to communication is appropriate. Sh made M log out (apparently not even saving the e-mail to me), etc., and then either just she, or later with C, or something, they went through every e-mail she had received and sent. I don't even do that. I verify who an e-ma
I verify who an e-mail is from, that M receives, and I check the websites with the aol parental controls (which are almost too rigid so I give exceptions as appropriate). M said that they were discussing, perhaps even with her, if e-mails to/from me were okay, and if that constituted contact with me, so that it shouldn't be more than once every 3 days. Huh? First off, no, e-mail doesn't count as telephone contact.
Not even sure IM's should, albeit they can be good with two good typists. And, it's a MINIMUM of every 3 days telephone contact, not a maximum. She did get the package I mailed to her, with the book she requested, when she was gone 3 whole weeks. That's good. She did get to talk w/ my mother once, a day later.
M said that after, any time M got near the computer, Sh should tell M to go watch Si, or go do this, or that, basically not allowing M to get back online.

M, in tears, oy. And upset. She said that during the school year, she will HAVE to be getting online even there, for schoolwork and stuff. Controlling access to me, or if I were to control access to her father, is just not right.
Brian, rightfully, pointed out to me that there are legitimate safety concerns with a youth getting online. Yes, there are. But, M had had access there previously, it had only become an issue when, gasp, they discovered (and she didn't even think to hide it), that, egads, she received an e-mail from me. They take away her cell phone (or, now they "just" keep ALL of her things away from her, in the garage, so it's essentially the same thing), saying she's too young. Hmmm, then why call her on it
when M is with me? Either M is too young for a cell phone, or she's not. I told M, after this e-mail bit, that the Court Order states..... blah blah blah. I hate this even having to be an issue, but she needed to know the truth if it's being thrown at her or around her, confusing her.
I also told her that this was not right, and yes, I could respond and tell her the same thing, but it wouldn't be right of me to do, either, and I won't. That if she wants to e-mail with her father every day, that it's fine with me, but that he's not an e-mail chat kind of guy. (Actually, I don't know. He likely isn't, but I know he does not write M, so I didn't wish her to feel badly.)
When she was in North Carolina with Si, Sh, and Si's friend (but not C), M said she was a bit afraid to get on the computer there, b/c of what Sh would say or do (or something like that, perhaps what Shmight tell C).
M also said she wanted to get me a postcard. I didn't want her to feel pressured, so I asked her for either a postcard, or if she could draw me a picture of something she liked there (or describe, etc.). She couldn't get a postcard, and I didn't bug her about it. But, being I don't hide what M is doing when with me, but tell her, they also knew M was going to go to Maine.
So, she was told she HAD to send a postcard. I don't care, but gosh, hypocritical? We get to Maine, stop at the first reststop, in Kittery. NICE for a rest stop, almost like a nature center but different purpose. I discovered a computer program for e-mailing virtual postcards with photos of Maine sites. M was all excited, sent one to Bampbob (my stepfather Bob, who stayed home, medical issues), her friend, Md, and to C, "Mom, what's dad's e-mail address?" I have it in my addy book, but I did reme
remember it correctly when I gave it to her. She felt real pleased to have that done with. I did NOT count it as an every 3 day contact, either!
She also had opportunities to select hard-copy postcards, and she wanted to mail one to "everyone" at her dad's, fine. I bought us stamps, and she mailed it (plus one to Grandma, who was with us, and a shared one to Bob).

It's M's first day of school tomorrow. Even if it wasn't Court Ordered for contact, why wouldn't he give her my message (court ordered for her to hear them, actually), let her call me, encourage it? Heck, if he ever called her for her beforeher 1st day of school, or any reason, I make sure she knows.
I told Brian that C wasn't always like this. That he can be real sweet and kind, but flipped, like black and white.

I really only stated some basic summary stuff re: C, but still. A friend in my online single mother's loop says that it's likely because C knows I have that relationship with M, that he feels he must control M's access to / with me. I guess. But, it's just not right. That level of control, even limiting her friends while there so much, etc., it's one of those early levels of abuse even. I'm getting more worried about it. M's getting more upset.
Well, no call. Maybe in the a.m., like that could include much discussion about her weekend, too, but whatever. Not sure if he wrote back or not (on my main SN, he doesn't know this one, I don't think, M doesn't think he does), likely he did not respond. Just that 5 times this summer, is too often not to at least point out that I have noticed.

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