Sunday, March 30, 2008

explaining ADD to E; a few extra dimensions

I have been trying to explain ADD/ADHD a bit to E lately.  Alphabet soup here ha.  he teaches me as well, really.

Anyway, one thing I've done is to send E an only slightly edited version of my entry some time back, which I called orange swirl.  I'm not feeling the drowning/swirling ways so much lately.  It still seemed an apt point to start our discussion from.   orange swirl 

(Yes, E knows I have a journal.  He knows it's typed.  He doesn't know that it's online and public.  He seemed fascinated by a much-more edited entry I sent him, from last March when he'd given me dating advice.  Ha.   so, that's where they're hiding  He says he was intrigued by this "orange swirl" one and he'll re-read it more later.  I appreciate him trying to absorb these things.  But, no, he doesn't need to know it's an online PUBLIC journal.)

E wrote:
Again, I must reread your note a few times to make sure I understand.  Jurassic Park!  I don't quite see how that fits in yet. 
Thankyou, very insightful, E[name]
E actually wrote most of a page letter in response.  I find I need to break letters down into their subject areas, and respond individually per subject area.  FYI that his longer response included: 
I read a book a couple of years ago.  I think it was entitled something like, "The dog that died during the night."  I forget the name of the author.  The story was told in teh first person by a high functioning autistic boy.  An unforgetable moment in the story is when he is running away from home and enters a train station.  The train station is full of signs, the vast majority of which are totally irrelevant to telling him where he has to go to catch his train.  But his mind gives all signs equal weight.  He is totally unable to discriminate among the signs to those few that are relevant.  Not that this is you, just that minds work in wonderously different ways. 
He later did a search:"The book was, "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night," by Mark Haddon.  It was published in the last few years.  E[name] highly recommends this read.  Very touching."  I found a review here:  Mark Haddon : The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time : Book Review  Maybe E's right; this is not how my mind works, not fully completely.  I think I'd like this book.
So I responded: 
I wrote this over a year ago.  I think I may have been referring to photos or graphic images of the chaos theory???  Are there some swirls?  The movie was less "geeky," and didn't really go into the whole chaos theory hardly, but the book had.  I preferred the geeky, and my physicist friends showed me some of their books. 
And then the idea that there is beauty in chaos, and actually some sense of order.
The name "chaos" implies, well chaos.  Some brains with ADD/ADHD appear as if they'd be chaotic.  I was speculating the possibility that it's not all as random as it may appear to be.
I think.  :)
Actually, if I were to enter a train station full of signs, and I was unfamiliar with that system and culture, say, a subway station in Spain, I'd be overwhelmed.  I would have to decipher what each sign was saying and not necessarily be able to assign priorities, unless they were indicated by size, color, or location.  They likely WOULD be differentiated, and I DO have a clue about signs in subway stations.  I'm very visually-oriented, also.  But, the most basic aspects of this description, is apt.  It is an extreme example, but it's apt.  If all signs were a similar height, size, and color, hey, they'd all appear of equal importance to ME.
I will look for that book. 
A telephone ringing at another desk has as much attention, instinctively, in my brain as a person holding a conversation in another office, which then becomes distractingto me if I need to answer the phone as well (with any effectiveness). 
E's last note to me tonight:  Robin, you are not chaotic to me.  Just a woman with a few extra dimensions than first meets the eye.  Sleep you very well.  E[name]
Sigh.  Is there any reason here why I wouldn't just really like him?  :)
E wrote, in his one reply that was longer:  I have noticed sometimes that I have trouble keeping up with you.  So I ask you to repeat something, thinking you're going to think I'm deaf.  (I have really good hearing.)  I'm still going a to b in my head as I'm listening, and perhaps you've gone to c.  Is this correct?  I do tend to be very linear. 
To that part, I responded:
I apologize, E[name], for *I* know I have this, and *I* know that you do not.  You may not have gotten around to setting up your DVD player and finishing the cabinets, but I have figured out some time past, that you don't struggle with ADD/ADHD.   (I also know that you have no real reason or desire to get around to that DVD player.)  I have about half a trilliion projects going on at any one time.  If I'm tired, or excited, I am even more likely to jump about on tangents and not verbalize the connection.  I sometimes really like the idea of being linear, I may even need it sometimes; it's just not always happening inside my head.  I know you're smart, and I haven't noticed any hearing difficulties.  I've noticed myself rushing information and that I need to work better at this with you.  I think I've just gotten excited sometimes in talking with you. 
Actually, and this may sound bizarre, but having a distraction on in the background that's not overpowering, can be calming.  It lets my brain bounce about, while having more focus on the one item.  For example, if doing homework, or holding a conversation.  If in the background is some light music, or I'm washing dishes, I can actually focus BETTER on the homework or conversation.  Really.  And I'm not sure that that even makes any sense.  I know it is helpful.
If I could differentiate this paragraph here!:
I haven't yet gotten up the gumption to send him (an edited?) version of THIS entry of mine, romance and ADD/ADHD, even while my paragraph abovetries to hint that just maybe a bit of music in the background might further enhance the ambiance of the moment at times......  :)  Romance and ADD / ADHD
Note that E, the eldest of six, has a younger brother with different-abilities, including but definitely not limited to being highly autistic.  I never knew that until this year, and I stay learning more about his whole family.  It helped me understand E's patient dealings with the two people in our main dance group that have "differences."  I had taken note of it, and appreciate his respect forall people, just now after 6 years, I understand more E's "why." 

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Monday, March 24, 2008

Different kind of Easter.

M spent Easter with her dad, et al.  She was due to be with me, but this way, her weekends work out how she wants them to.  "So, the weekends will work out?!"  "Yes, honey."  "Is that why you're being so nice [by switching it, and, losing a whole weekend not only switching]?"  It's for her, yes.  So, now she'll be with me for her 8th grade graduation weekend, which makes her happy.  Even if I did cry briefly after dropping her off (for most of a day with my mom until Sh p/up'd M -- which Grandma and M both really needed).

It'd been snow, sleet, and hail, most reports were of hail, on Saturday.  I tried to find E an Easter bunny with German chocolate (long sold out), and fun things for M's basket.  M's basket is a trash can.  Yes, a silver trashcan with a pink lid that opens when a pink lever is pressed.  She's been wanting it, and while it was a pricey $19.98 (for a trash can?!), it'll get used more than the less pricey pails with polka dots and pink trim.  I can still put in the rubby-duck / chick themed items.  She picked out her own long-earred rabbit previously, and pink Peeps.

I wasn't so sure I'd be hiking Sunday morning, even if E called my plans "Delightful."  I couldn't locate the "backup church" plan/time for services.  Sunday afternoon, I'd read of a sad event in a friends life, cried, prayed, (plus e-mails with Mom, my aunts, etc.) and yes, Daisy, let's go.  She thought it was for a regular walk, and headed in the opposite direction of my vehicle.  "Do you really want to go this way, or go for a ride?"  I didn't emphasize the word, yet she looked up at me, obviously recognizing "ride," and "trotted" to my vehicle to sit by the door and look up.  Good girl:)

I love the C&O Canal, and went to one of my favorite locks.  (I decided fairly readily not to bring Dad this time -- he's heavy in that "urn," and he's not into Easter.)  Daisy got excited as we drove down the dirt road to the parking area.  A few other vehicles, one with DIPLOMAT plates, whose riders had prepared a picnic.  Eh, those license plates are not uncommon around here, and I'm glad the people found this historical and lovely spot as well during their visit to the U.S.  And then others.  Kids.  A dog.  Daisy was both highly excited, and overwhelmed and cautious, sniffing and moving about.  Less than an hourin, she lead me down the correct side path that took us back; I opened the door; she jumped right in.  Okay, sigh.  We tried.  Spring wasn't too visible in the foliage, but it seemed busy with people for that particular area.

On to "the" park.  It's near "the" barn.  Daisy knows it as "the barn."  She was quite happy.  It wasn't too long before she led me down the path to the pond.  I wanted her to pose on the edge but she wouldn't look at me.  Oh.  A pair of Canada geese were floating along.  Just two weekends ago, Daisy saw her first mallards and you'd have thought she'd died and gone to heaven, except not wanting to get more than her paws wet, and them flying off, cunfounded her.  This time, Daisy also ran around the edge of the pond.  I'd held on to her leash that day 2 weekends ago, in the rain.  This time, I didn't anticipate any harm to the geese, nor that Daisy would wander off (being that she was too focused), so I just let her go.  Racing from one side of the pond to the other, dragging that leash into the mud.  Then she got in the water up to her chest and quickly backed out, as if surprised to be wet in her zealous excitement. 

One side of "the" pond, the geese started coming TO Daisy, and talking.  Ignorant me, simply captured Daisy on my cell phone to send on to M.  A few minutes later, I see Daisy approach with her nose stuck out waringly, then retreat back quickly, then repeat her forward sniff.  What had she found?  I was still not worried.  Oh.  Two big beautiful white eggs.  In a round hay-colored, grassy nest.  On the side of the pond.  The geese were protecting it, or attempting to without completely offering themselves up as sacrifices.  Daisy likes plastic Easter eggs more than she'll ever like to play with tennis balls.  I immediately got her by the leash and lead her away from these real life Easter goose eggs.  (She didn't even get that stubborn beagle bit going.)  She hated me trying to wash her off with warm pumped water up at the barn itself.  I let Daisy graze on the fresh spring grass, hoping she'd dry sufficiently in the warmer sun, and gave (horse) Red handfuls of new grass, too.

Peace.  In God's own creation.  Thank you, dear Lord.

I was so tired when I got home.  After about 2.5 hours outside, Daisy slept soundly.  I tried calling M's cell phone, and then left a message on her dad's home phone (which never got returnedsigh, it was Easter, can I TALK-talk w/ her, please? Or, today?).  Naturally, while taking a shower then bath, is when M texted me.  Only texts.  "Was this at [location]?"  Did you change my plan, I got a text saying my phone's plan was changed.  "Yes."  "Yes, I upgraded your # of texts."  "2 unlimited??"  Ha.  No, I changed it to 1,000.  She did say thanks:)  I tried to tell her two times that she was already up to almost 800 and to try to not go over.  "I'll try :) "  That she was allowed to text was nicer than she often gets, even if no communication should ever  be discouraged.  She uses it for homework purposes even, I KNOW that.  One friend has some serious home issues going on, so this lets him "talk" w/out voice, like M does when she's at C's.  Two friends have cell phones now who had not.  She went over her 300 minutes last month.  It was time.

I knew E wouldn't care what I wore, yet, as a girlfriend said, I would, and dressing to look nice was for me to feel good.  I even painted my nails a light shade that's wearing off a day later.  The radio station went dead as I was driving to the restaurant, so I grabbed a cd.  From BJ.  Beautiful classical "Fur Elise."  Calming, typically, I love it; this time it reminded me of my father playing it.  Wait, no tears allowed right now!  Quick, Natasha Bedengfeld (sp) to the rescue ha, upbeat and feminine.

We were both nervous.  It became more comfortable; we'd hold hands or play with them.  He'd brought some photos (I had asked for grandkid E photos).  Etc.  He laid out all the potential stuff he thought could be a hindrance for me, plus general info -- about his ex-girlfriend (I give him credit for how long he stayed supporting her through some issues), and he brought up SO, and his (E's) romantic history, and a lot (including something he's only told his ex-girlfriend, and now, me).  I told him he didn't have to tell me that stuff, but if he wanted to, I'd listen.  Including asking me, why him, just in different words.  As E said, we've known each other a long time now, so this wasn't a typical first meeting.   Thankfully.  I hate those and hope to never have one again.  He said, "I didn't expect this to be fun."  "Well, I was hoping tonight would be fun!"  I do really respect him for his openness and he is of fine overall character.  A quality guy, like I referred to in a post last March when E was giving me dating advice.  Ha.  (He hadn't remembered doing that.)  So open, respectful and trusting, and, as a girlfriend said, comfortable with himself / who he is.  Hmmm, true.   He'd even been to the same park, quite different area, only about an hour separate from when I'd gone. 

We were both more relaxed after all this serious stuff.  I did get my kiss with him, that I've literally dreamed about.  We left the one place, that was closing, for another.  He asked where I'd parked.  "Right by yours."  "Isn't that sweet."  And then he kissed me.  And, this time, he was looking over from his car to mine to be sure mine got started okay, before he started to drive off.

A lot of kisses later, him a smile on his face I enjoyed seeing, and most likely one on mine as well.  He IS cute, especially in his "hang around the house" jeans I'd not seen previously, and has thee softest hair. 

I do look forward to Missy M being home (while I'm happy she had some fun on Easter and all of that).  A dinner with E tomorrow night, however, will help me keep my mind off of M.  :)  Heck, he even offered to help me with stuff at my dad's...... not as fun, yet a stress reliever of its own (there are issues there sigh).  Did I mention how sweet E is? 

Oops, dag, rehearsal in 45 minutes.  E has a conflict, heck, E didn't connect that we had a rehearsal.  That's okay.  I can "do" calendars (when I get it ON my calendar).  My disorganization comes in other fashions.

I hope he's not rebounding.  He has contemplated a lot of this, however; *I* have contemplated a lot of this, pros and cons.  Our reality won't be the same as my fantasy, and I won't be "Dora" for him.  Yet, we can only take this chance, and see.  Spring could be pretty good. :)




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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy National Sweater Day! oh, and happy Spring

Happy Birthday, Mr. Fred Rogers.  And TCRG Ma, and my girlfriend's daughter who turns 20 years old today.  M told me earlier this week that today is National Sweater Day, in honor of Mr. Rogers. 

I always loved him, and his show.  Did you know, he was also an ordained Presbyterian minister?  Fred Rogers dies at 74

It's a very windy day today.  Tuesday evening, after a mini-ceili but no one w/ energy to go out after, after sprinkles in the day including my coworker's dad's funeral, as if signaling the end of the St. Paddy's Day season of wearin of the green, the rain started in with more earnest.  Both the local town parade and the big city parade this past weekend were rain (and snow) free!  YEAH and wow!  M did FANTASTICALLY.  She got her dream of finally being able to dance on a float in her solo dress, while it moved through the "big city' parade.  She'd been allowed to the past few years, but she'd been with C, and so she couldn't go.  Even Monday was busy, with me taking M up to dance at Si's school (precious the two of them), and her being the highlight of the show at a retirement/nursing home my main dance group danced that evening.  Good times.  Just, done.  And the rain began.

The rain stopped this morning.  Wind advisory until late tonight, rain again tomorrow.  Of course -- doesn't it always rain, as if God crying, on Good Friday?  A cold rain?

I'm so ready for the new season now.  While St. Paddy's Day season was a lot of fun, M and I were both sick for enough of it, even w/ things scaled back a lot, even while enjoying it (including some extra time with E! yes, I should have known, he'll deal with me and how I am to him, what I say, not worry about SO ("So, last night must have been pretty stressful for you?"  "Yes.  Thanks for helping me out with it."  "No problem."  Phew.)  I'm ready now to move on.

Even if this morning my car said, "Check gages."  Shouldn't that be "gauges?"  Sigh, low on antifreeze again, apparently, as the gauge indicated hotter than desired (but not overheating).  (I have to replace it often until I can get the radiator and/or hoses fixed.)  Even if my paycheck comes next week, oh, good, I have about $67. to cover me until then, as long as the double-charge of another date gets fixed.  Even with just now receiving a response from C / Sh about Easter break (which starts tomorrow,all!). 

So, this Robin says Happy Spring as well!  To get you rapping along with the change of seasons, per a Montessori teacher (named Darin Cort): -- YouTube - Montessori: The Rap  If you click on "for more info," you'll see the printed words.)

I shoudl add -- it IS Maundy Thursday.  The day in honor of the Last Supper.  Easter feels way too early this year.  Maybe we'll have fish for dinner, and bread.?


Friday, March 14, 2008


Timing. Little Si knows whattiming she needs, and when she can double with it and when she simply needs it faster. (She did that tonight, ha, with OHBoy playing fiddle. She got to wear her solo dress and looked great, exhausted but excited.) But, men? Sheesz.
Oh, M looked fantastic!, as did the other dancers. Ma asked me what numbers to do, this was following a big gig (fancy country club). I got her a beer from E, and she was there to ceili/set dance. We chose 3-4 numbers. Their timing ws great:) E sat near me, "I'm just blown away, I'm blown away." Yeah, they're fantastic. I loved M's smile, too. She seemedto be having a lot of fun, nice wooden floors, etc.
So, SO. We had to talk a fair bit in advance of this whole ceili due to logistics of the two dance schools. Okay, fine, ours was flexible. His girls new one, was less so. (He apologized.) We're fine. He asked about the parade tomorrow, and I relay what my main dance group's doing, as he used to be a member.
Talking w/ a girlfriend, she says, wait, you asked him tothe party? No, I just told him about it. SO tells me he's looking forward to seeing me, watching the dancers, etc. I barely noticed, and instead had gotten all excited that I'd also gotten E's cell phone #, and he'd written that it'd be great to see me and meet some of my friends.
I couldn't even think of C there -- as in , primarily ignored him but not in a negative way just generally, who was there, btw.
Nah, it all ended early (sound restrictions switched hours, and the coordinator who I swear may be getting dementia, is really never good at these types of details, and timing and such, anyway. So E walks over towards where I am, not quite there. SO was near me, with his ever delightful girls. I DO miss them still. I wish they could have become my stepdaughters. Anyway.
It's been 5 years, and SO asked me to dance once last month at big ceili. We haven't talked a lot, other than atROI feis, and when dad died, andthis weeksome. He gives me a hug, says something positive I forget, and kissed me on my head. WTF?
E saw that. Stops. And walks away.


E and SO are even dance friends. This is a setback for E and me.

Damage control tomorrow, somehow.


On the other hand, I'm thrilled Ma stayed and danced some, and MegaMAID, along with some of my main dance group seeing M's dance troupe perform. (The coordinator came over with a bigsmile, and shook my hand even.) I do hope to get a few more of them out dancing ceili/set dancing sometime, and this was a first step.

It's over. Tonight is over. But, shit, SO. what are you thinking?

I'm NOT going to screw up chances with E, b/c of SO. Or, I hope not, I don't intend to -- and HE hugged me, not vice vers

Timing. Sometimes, it's everything.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

follow-up to comments; today's mismash

Ha, well, yeah.  He IS a great guy:)  I wish him well, no matter what happens with us, but gosh.  lol

I really REALLY tried to keep it short, too........

I know when E gets his hair cut, or there's beer foam on his lip (which is somehow really sexy or so I thought that one buzzed St. Pat's parade afternoon when we'd sat next to each other some years ago), I notice when he gets new pants, or he's wearing the shirt that MUST be his favorite.....  that he tears the sizing patch off of the back of all his blue jeans, that he hunches a little but he's still a good size and height for me, and his favorite color must be blue, besides, they match his eyes.

And likely no one else I know would see a photo and think, HIM?  But, what do I care? 

Swooning in such a way that everyone notices, nah, but when it's just him and me?  I guess I can.  We'll see. 

If too many pick up on this, they'll start prying and providing their advice.  I don't want THAT pressure on him (or me).  But, he's fine walking out with me, and heck, that works for me.  I'm proud and happy to be with E, I just don't want the "advice givers."

Oh, and M's astronomy night Monday night was really good, too.  :)  Two hours of middle school science presentations, and her dad didn't even show, but hey.  These kids are awesome.  

Iin my dreams, I think I"m still swooning, lol.

Oh, yeah, E's classy as hell, but smokes some, drinks some, and has that black leather jacket and sometimes, when it doesn't matter, he doesn't care, when it matters, he does.  I like his perspective on most things. 

I think he was a geek in high school; I'm fairly certain it's something we talked about once upon a time.  I actually really like geeks.  I'm at the point where I want a guy with self-confidence (not too cocky, but self-confidence), and some geeks, heck some people, don't.  E has enough of all the above.

So, yeah.  :)

We shall see.

Now -- for ceili (Marc's comment):  Ceili = dance.  Or ceilidh.  Or that's for the social gathering form that often includes dancing, as dance = rince, I *think*.

Ceili IS also a girls name, more like Kaylee or such other spellings here in the U.S.

I had a screen name Sunfireflydancer, for sundance (my former cat and fav movie, and I added the er), and firefly, my daughter's favorite costume as a child and how wonderful she was in it.  So, I was called "Sun" by people online. 

So, I do both ceili and set dancing (both types of Irish dancing, just different forms), ceili is more progressive.  It's probably a gaelic word, or ceilidh is, or?

So, I had to keep "sun" in there, and sundancer, and added the ceili, for ceilisundancer.  :)

That's the short version.  lol

And, today that time change is catching up.  Sunday I still had a big smile on my face. I also got some things done and not as much as I intended but one big thing (dance floor picked up from friends).  I did NOT go to a once a month Sunday afternoon ceili at a pub, even while invited and I really like that one.  I think E goes regularly, and I don't want to suddenly appear everywhere he is if I don't, regularly.  Besides, I had to pick up that dance floor.  Those friends have started taking ceili/set dance lessons as well, OHBoy's parents.  The dad is much more interested in this than the mom is.  They'll come to my main dance group's ceili this weekend (OHBoy and M and others will perform yeah), and sometime, we'll get a group together for that particular ceili and it will feel more natural to be there.

Yesterday was, I think, "take a nap day."  TODAY I want it! 

Besides, today, M is sick.  We're re-checking her temperature now.  Dag, it's not working.  Her throat hurts and her head.  Usually even when she's not feeling well, she does not want to miss school.  She has no reason to not go to school today, heck, it's even J's birthday (her often crush now seemingly more just a good friend), and she'd not miss that.  I knew M was truly sick when she said she felt she needed to stay home.  Just NOW she tells me that a classmate had strept throat.  M is definitely getting in to see a doctor.....
I don't mess with strept (had it WAY too often as a child, and as an adult).

(Si, M's half-sister, came down with yet another high fever this past Sunday night, poor thing, and likely out of school yesterday.  Sh has been sick, also.  Note -- C is well and could have gone to M's astronomy night.  The doctor's office didn't find it too applicable that a classmate had strept throat.  Ah, a class of 18 kids and they're always there with each other, and the girl had it about a week with minimal symptons before she knew?  They went with "the sister has strept."  Um, okay, sure.  I hope Si doesn't have strept again, but we'll say she does if it means M can get tested.  M had a bit of a fever the day and night of her Cinderella play, which went fantastically, btw, I'm SOOOO proud of my Cinderella!!! (and E seemed disappointed to have missed ah well, I wasn't pressuring him by asking after he declined "Big Show."))  I want my missy well.  Too much crap continuing to go around.  I haven't been feeling well myself off and on for weeks now, but I figure my boss is tired of me saying I'm feeling sick.
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Monday, March 10, 2008

E (I try not to swoon too noticeably)

"I want to keep her to myself this time."
I want to remember those words.  "I want to keep her to myself this time."
Or maybe it was "for" and not "to."  Or "I'm going to..." and not "I want to...."  Eh, whatever. 
E, my favorite dancer good friend, E, whom I've liked for 6 years.  Yep, 6 years.  I was warned by one of the other women, a woman I'm friends with now but we were new to each other then, that I should stay away from E as he's too old for me.  Not b/c of his girlfriend, albeit that was E's reason (while flattered, he said, and then telling me that SO had asked E for my number).  Sometimes I"ve had to tell myself to STOP that crush feeling.  He and a woman I'll call Dora (not her name), have finally stopped dating about 3 months ago from what I can tell.  I didn't even pick up on that at first; the first ceili we both attended after E and Dora's breakup, I DID notice that I got more dances in with him than usual, and with P, another favorite dancer (who is married, btw, I'm NOT persuing him never have, we just enjoy how we both dance when together). 
E and I are good friends.  He is a really dear friend and I'd hate to screw that up.  We have talked about all sorts of things over the years.  Heck, he even came to his ex-wife's church (mine, ironically), to be there for me at Dad's memorial service, among other things, (such as giving me dating advice haha, gee, thanks, E, and we talk about our kids, and his grandkid named after him!, life, religion, politics, most anything).  But, gosh, I adore him. 
And I have adored E, even while dating SO, and BJ.  BJ knew I like E, and they met a couple times.  Heck, other "pretty pretty boys" of mine, guy friends, know of E.  One bisexual guy friend of mine, who dances in the Baltimore area, couldn't see the appeal, that E's older and yadda yadda.  Ah, yeah, E can hold his own.  He's likely in better shape than that guy, actually, anyway ha.  And E's sweet, a good man, respectful, smart, fun, classy, laid-back, a touch of the bad boy in a really great guy, and dances in a style that really works well for me, etc., there are many good reasons.  Believe me, with E "available," I've had to re-think this through. It may not be fantastical any more, but a possibility, and do I still want that?  E used to tell me that he's too old for me.  Hmm, is he?  Nah, not really, not in any way that truly matters.  SO doesn't know I like E but oh well.
Since January, when I returned to my dance group, my first outing with them again, it's been a bit of a sometimes friends, sometimes paying some attention, as if an old-fashioned almost not quite courting.  Not quite yet.  But like Barack Obama's Presidential campaign, there is no suspension of hope:)  (Hey, he's still ahead in the delegate count!  YEAH!) 
My knight in black-leather jacket.  That January night, enroute to the after-dance class outing, my car died.  Near a gas station, I tried to handle the situation; I've been unattached long enough, I can do this.  It still didn't work.  I called the place where my friends were, and a girlfriend said that E jumped up to get the phone when the waiter announced I was calling and my car had broken down.  And he came, on foot, putting out his cigarette, and helped, at the same time two police officers came, all doing the thing I'd be trying next but hey.  E is like that, anyway, but that he was the first one to respond, jump up to assist me, yeah....... my girlfriend who knows I like E said she decided to just let him respond, instead of her.  And he said he'd stay w/ me there at the restaurant while others left, once we got there, but some of them stayed, too.  We all toasted my dad, and the two recently passed mothers.  And I felt my emotional release then, back w/ friends, drinking (one glass) to my dad.  When we all departed, people gave their hugs, and I gave E a hug and surprised myself by giving him a quick kiss that hit his neck.  Oy.  I only had one beer.  I think he didn't hear my (positive) comment which is just as well.
And then a parade fundraiser where our group danced, where I asked him about him using an extra ticket I had to M's "Big Show" and he got all fumbling and flustered, something about things being topsy-turvy right now.  We were otherwise fine, hanging out some, and with others, too.  I e-mailed him later, telling him I'm sorry for whatever is going topsy-turvy in his life, and that I hope when it stops spinning, his world lands in a way thatis best for him; he deservesto be happy.  I meant it, really, never mentioning "Dora," (nor has he) but if they reunited, and he'd be happy, so be it.  He later e-mailed me, ironically as I'm SURE he didn't notice, on St. Valentine's Day.  Basically, he wrote a thanks for the nice thoughts and he's sure there will be future dance extravaganzas.
And classes, where we sometimes dance sometimes not, as per usual and I let him decide / ask.  And a couple ceili's and the Old Town Alexandria parade (where he drove M and me back to our car after we all ate out as per usual, a day M and I have as a fun day).  And the President's party.....  Friends hosted a President's Day party, and M arranged to stay over L's house as they had a lot of weekend dance rehearsals, anyway.  I didn't know who to dress as; that part was challenging.  I finally went not as a U.S. President, but as the late President Bhuta, including a blue veil that had been a celtic-scarf prop of M's in her dance stuff.  And reddish open-toed heels.  I had to paint my toenails.  I had to find pantyhose.  A few mistook me for Jacqueline Kennedy in mourning, but nah, I think I'd have carried an eternal flame with me for that one.  (Ah, but I respect her and found that to be a compliment.)  I actually knew a lot more of the trivia questions than several others did.  I suppose reading the newspaper when I can, helps.  E kept telling me how nice I looked, "Did you really just come up with that outfit today?"  He wore "Bushisms" around his neck.  We talked, and danced some, briefly, as most were not up for dancing except the host, so we obliged briefly.
It varies.  I'm trying to give him time and space.  Sometimes he is just with the others and that's okay.  And, yet. 
I didn't go to this ceili out of northern Virginia last month, even though many in my main dance group did.  It was our groups "social outing" of the month.  I was just too busy and they left earlier than I could do to get there.  My girlfriend reported that "Dora" didn't even show to THAT one (and she lives in northern Virginia), and that it was overall a really fun time.  Okay, a really fun time ceili outing; I'd go this month when "our" group did.  I didn't go to the social/dinner outing beforehand -- M had a gig, and she was GREAT! and so fun to see her!  E had gone to the dinner, and, just as I told the coordinator, I arrived in time for the carpooling, right as they were finishing up the check.  E then absent-mindedly put all the collected cash into his wallet.  He NEVER does stuff like that ha, and embarrassed, quickly fixed it, then went home to change while I rode over with others.
At "big ceili" last month, the one with my other dance group, that I try to attend monthly, I danced with SO, and LF, and several others including a few with E.  It was weird to dance with SO again, it's both comfortable and weird as we hadn't hardly at all after we broke up, and this time just after I'd just danced (probably swooningly) with E, and followed with a dance with E he asked me to, actually, Sweets of May which I don't care for but with E?  Of course.  Later, E and I went to dance a waltz.  I may have asked him.  It's typical for either gender to just ask others to dance, but he did ask me those other times.  I love to waltz.  I love E's style.  He can just move and flow to the music, and I'm floating along with him.  It's still to the great live music.  So we start out, and he says that he hopes he's not too boring (of a waltzer for me).  Huh?  Where'd his confidence go?  He mentioned not adding lots of fancy things.  "I've waltzed with you before, E." 
E's my favorite waltzer, something SO never did quite get quite right, albeit he tried for my sake and he's decent at it, and otherwise a good dancer.  I actually didn't dance Clare Lancers, which disappointed me, until I realized, duh, P wasn't there, and he and I almost always dance that one with each other (and have a fantastic time).  But, did E not realize how thrilled I was to waltz with him, one of my favorite dances, with him
So, Saturday, there were a bunch of ceili dances to start off, more boring ones actually.  E and I laughed and agreed to skip the "shoe the donkey," and he asked, "What's next?"  "It's a waltz."  "Well, then, let's do the waltz next."  That worked for me.   There is a group/set dance for the waltz called the waltz cotillion.  SO used to arrange those if we were going to waltz, sigh, okay, it's lovely truly and fun occasionally, but not what I want, typically, comparatively.  Another guy saw E(and I), entering the dance floor, and this guy came over excitedly.  As part of him asking if we'd join their set, he even said how much he'd LOVE to have E in the group (being that he's an expert on most set dances.  Ironically, he and I learned the waltz cotillion together some years ago in my main dance class).  E had to respond quickly, and did say something akin to "No, thanks."  But, the part I like, "I want to keep her to myself this time."
Ah, yeah.  I think he's coming around...........  :)
After, E thanked me, which is common for dance partners to do, and added that he hoped to dance with me for another dance later in the evening.  And, we did, having great fun with the Cashel Set, across from "Dancing Bug" and his dance partner for that set.
There were other fun dances, haymaker's jig ended up good, with a guy new to me I guided through, and a set dance similar to the North Kerry but with a Gaelic name that starts with an S and I can't pronounce, lol.  This was with a girlfriend, in a set that did happen to include E.  Then there was another waltz which I danced with "Dancing Bug."  He is a very skilled dancer, and often adds a lot of fancy moves and stepwork.  As he can stay being smooth about it, fitting all that in as if natural, it works.  Some others can (E can when he wants), but many cannot.  (It can also become TOO much at times.)  "Thank you, Robin, that was grand."  Ah, yes, it was actually.  Grand.  E and a friend had watched, "He put a lot of swing moves into that waltz."  "Yeah, well, it worked." :)   I forgot until about then, that "Dora" doesn't really care to waltz.  (She is a FANTASTIC Irish dancer, though, and I won't pretend to compare with her step dancing skills.)
Carpooling home, E offered to take me back the hour to my car.   I told my ride over (as we thought we had an extra person enroute back, anyway).  Then she was reworking it so E wouldn't have to take anyone.  Wait, huh?  I'm sure she's clueless about the E and I potential, and I'm happy to leave those out of it, out of it.  E said something about just come with me, and put his arm on my back briefly.  "Okay; let's go," I was not waiting for further discussion!  Now, another guy friend who'd ridden with us may have noticed.  The new guy and I smiled at each other, again, as I walked out with E. 
That supposed hour ride home sure seemed to be done within minutes.  Classical music, okay, I thought so.  I listened to only classical for about 4 years after M's birth.  We just talked, including of religion (oy, do I HAVE to bring that up again? but it's been on my mind a lot lately, being Easter/Lent and all and me feeling churchless).  I'd love to go hiking w/ him sometime.  Or on his boat we talked more about.  It felt like being dropped off from a date when I went to get out of his car, for a moment.  He verified when he'd see me again (we're both missing practice rehearsal tonight, "We know those."  "Yes, we do."  He and I are tops for two good dances, North Kerry Set and Clare Lancers, yeah for a gig next week that M will join us for, actually.)  Then he sped off.  HA, he's the type to stay and make sure the car starts, at least, he has for me.  It's okay.  In time.
"You've already won me over, in spite of me.  Don't be surprised to find me head over heels....."  --Alannis Morrissette

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