Wednesday, May 31, 2006

items I keep avoiding.......

I had some downtime today, a lot of it, and searched about some of the journals on my friends links, which got me thinking some.   It's easier and fun to comment on M here:)   Raising a child can be like that, busy, focused on the child.   I have barely mentioned my father, who is elderly and I really need to do more about for him.   I have to figure out how I'm doing my taxes (hey, automatic extensions are your friend), and how to lay down the extra carpet I'd forgotten I have, to replace the bad areas.   Home repair, ugh.   My place is 11 1/2 years old now and needs some work.   Yeah, BJ said he'd help sometime, but, um, he's not seeing it looking like THIS, not yet.   And other "bigger" topics, and smaller ones.   Sometimes it's easier to "deal" if I push it aside for a bit first.   Sometimes, things get OBE (overtaken by events) and solve themselves:)   Sometimes, they really don't.   My dad's been in a phase of improved mental capacity the past year, give or take.   But, um, he's not fully well, and I sometimes feel as if it's a bit like parenting ones parent.   I have to be patient and understanding of his inabilities, but not be enabling for his abilities.   I try to encourage, and I do say to him some needed negative things, too, but I try to make it sound as if it's because I care...........   He doesn't always change his clothes between my (weekly) visits, for example.   I finally got him out to get a haircut, which he wanted done but he wanted his housekeeper to do it, whom he'd lost touch with months ago.   I thought I'd be able to get him "presentable" to see M's afternoon recital, but not quite by then.   So now the goal is so M, my dad, and I can go to dinner out, utilize a $50. gift certificate M and I won at a St. Patrick's Day fundraiser to a good Irish restaurant in the county, maybe around Father's Day since it wasn't in time for his birthday in May.

And forgetting to eat:)  I was on here for my lunchtime.  I did walk around the building a bit, give myself a mental break, while I was also checking out the current temperature for my boss who is downtown, as the air conditioning is being repaired and it was almost 90 F in some areas here yesterday.   Then I was talking about cooking w/ friends, and I remembered, thatis one thing C does well is cook, more so now than ever from what I hear.   Salivating for fresh rockfish right now:) but settling for my "spare food" supplies here of a package of Target clearance hickory-smoked tuna, a yogurt, and various assortment of mostly healthy snack items.

Lack of money has put off my ability to get Pretty Boy Blue-eyes Captain neutered.  Not that he's minding it:) lol, but I do.   I keep him separated from the ladies when I'm not around, just in case.    This summer for certain, I may even break down and charge it, but gosh, I so HATE putting items back on that card that I had finally gotten down to zero.

Financial aid for next year -- yes, gosh, THOSE are the forms I need to start to tackle tonight, w/ M away on her school camping trip.   Oh, I had thought I'd go to an end-of-year ceili @ Glen Echo tonight.   I love Glen Echo.   The weather should be good:) the pollens might be high (acccchooooo), the exercise fun and social.   I told a girlfriend, I need to get on top of my laundry, though.   I feel more disjointed when it's so not organized, that I've washed alot but it's not sorted/folded yet.  

Big things and little things, rambling thoughts again and I'm sorry.   It's more fun to come on here and smile and brag:)   I am so proud of Missy M., but, life is more complicated than that, of course.  Not even counting high school program discussions with other parents and with teachers, or dating (agh there is nothing wrong with being single, but sometimes I try), or visitation crap.   :)

Have a blessed day, all, excuse my boredom here:) 


Proud Feis Mom:) / Memorial Day Weekend

I should have written this on Sunday after the feis and dinner, but oh so tired.

Sure, I'm really happy for M and proud of her for 1st and 3rd in two of her novice dances (wow); she's so excited she can move up to Prizewinner she's still beaming about it, lol.   I am proud:)

I like the "feis Mom" models I get from Kath.'s mom, and from J's mom who said "it's just dance" (and J qualified for Ireland, I think, he's GOOD), and Kath is a high-level dancer.   Very nice people, and not snotty or pushy.   My ex-SO's daughter was there, performing, wow, perfectly, more perfectly than even before somehow, and he was happy before she danced.   When I'd go to a feis or dance class with him, I learned a few things about how some "feis-parents" can get oy.   Not sure if it gets as bad as in some other sports, but I'm so glad M's dance school, with Ma, is mostly not like that:)

But, I also reminded M the other morning so that she knew -- I'm JUST as proud of her, maybe more so, for how she handled her slip jig /novice dance.   The slip jig is one of her best dances, and she was dancing it very beautifully.   She had good competition, but she had a shot at placing.   ACK, automatic disqualification -- I think -- her shoe laces came untied.   I don't even know if M knew at that time, that shoelaces coming untied disqualified her.   She stayed smiling and dancing and concentrated on not tripping and falling, and completed her dance including the appropriate bow at the end.   Other parents said later that it can depend upon the judge, but this judge did end up disqualifying her.   But, M still danced it through:)   IMHO, how one handles defeat and problems that come along in life is important.

The judge for the advanced beginner refused to let dancers chose their speed; M only knows novice and higher-level dances for hardshoe, but she still placed.   Ah, well, judges call:)

M was checking out solo dresses w/ Grandma, too, who is willing to put M's birthday money from last year and this year towards a decent, used one for M.   M's in her 3rd year of Irish step dancing, and this was her 4th feis.   She wishes to focus on performing, and many of the local feiseana are held on weekends she's with her dad.   M really wants to do another one now, and if summer schedule can get worked out 100%, maybe another can fit in?   V and J want M to join them for an extravaganza dance coming up at another feis, but when M's w/ her dad.   M thinks she'd like to visit BJ's town next year, too, as there's a feis there, and she has classmates moving there.   It's usually smack in the middle of her time w/ her dad, but, maybe next year it won't be.

Speaking of M's dad -- he not only didn't show, but he didn't even call her to see how she did, how she felt about it, etc.   Oy.

M's Grandma, M and I, went to Cozy Inn after, whose air conditioning had broken.   We love eating there, and this is the only not so great time we've had there.   Hanging out in Grandma's backyard was much cooler, especially with some minor waterhose "fights."  lol

My sweetheart:)  I'm glad she had a good day.   And I am so proud:)  

Another girl in M's novice dances goes to a feis at least every/other weekend, around the country.   She didn't appear as if it was herself pushing it, either.   I hope she got to spend some time actually visiting our area, too, go into DC over Memorial Day perhaps, something.   I'd love to take M to a few feiseana around the country, sure! :) but, not just to do it.   Have M be excited about it and want it, too.  

The horse show Saturday was WAY early, with M wanting me to wake her up at 5:15 yawn!   She still wanted to help out, and I helped her prepare Corey, et al, until 7am when she helped load Corey onto the trailer.   She even warmed him up at the show for the 6-year girl who was riding.   I came back for M in time to hang out some, buy her lunch there (she loved the pork bbq sandwich, yum, and I'm thinking ack, it's what I got food poisoning from when pregnant with you, child! but, different vendor).  

Was to go to a feis class after leaving the show early, but M was so tired, she slept enroute and then got car sick....... SO - we ended up with M practicing in the garage and then in the cafeteria at my office:)   She tried to teach me some hardshoe, as her new (used) shoes fit me, lol, that was, um, not for performance viewing:)   M gets so little practice, other than at odd moments and in odd spots, and only to class e/o week b/c C wouldn't switch nights, mostly, to anything reasonable, and yet refused to take her, too.   I couldn't find her bloomers for her feis, I know I washed them after the recital but oh well, they were getting too small, so I charged a new pair (I thought, don't know yet which card I gave them!).   Ma was telling M that M dances better than even some of Ma's private lesson dancers.   I really thought this novice level w/out M being able to practice all that much, would be mostly for her experience of it all, support her friendsl, time.   Nah, M holds her own.  

Monday we relaxed:) packed for her camping trip she's on NOW! I'm so excited for her, and her classmates, she went swimming and playing w/ Md, M wanted to go to the barn and dag, too hot for lessons today and she'll miss the rest of the week argh (camping plus w/ C), but even tho disappointed, we stayed and bathed/groomed, anyway, and 2 hours later, I still had to DRAG her back, lol.   Relaxed day, first day of summer, HOT.  

Billy got cat toys for his birthday weekend:)  He's named after my late uncle Billy, who died as a teenaged POW in the Korean War, and provider for the family, especially my mother and their younger sister.   God bless his soul.   Uncle Billy was my guardian angel until my Grandma died, tho I'm sure he still checks in sometimes:)   Just wished I'd remembered my POW/MIA pin to wear Monday, too.  


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Daggone it Money Woes, Cont'd.

Daggone it all.   My credit card looks almost the same as my checking account's debit/charge card.   I got the two mixed up this weekend, and instead of charging a bunch of things, I "charged" them from my checking account.   I'm so upset with myself.   I now have to scramble to cover the money.   This SUCKS.   I cannot wait until I'm paid again next Monday.   Summer is so much easier, and I can catch up financially.   But, I'd have NOT done things this way if I'd known I was doing it.   UGH.

So, checking online my minimal Credit Union savings account in another city, forgot my password and the woman on the phone was really nice, and reset it.   I have to keep a savings account there w/ minimum balance b/c I have a loan and credit card from them.   Some year, I suppose I should have a credit card and checking account from the same bank / credit union.   I would be happy to have one with this CU except that, sheesz, there are no local branches.

Otherwise, I was happy enough, monetarily speaking.   Had money enough for M's inhaler refill Rx (needs original packaging for the camping trip, given to a teacher to hold, rolling my eyes, yeah, so normally M carries it on her, and, ironically, M today is giving it to the teacher herself, being sending it in w/ her is thee easiest way to do it).   Money enough for her t-shirt for the camping, needs cash.  Okay, check.   No pizza lunch last Friday b/c we thought she'd be shadowing, and none this Friday b/c she can't order it Thursday as she'll still be camping.   Didn't have to pay for M's feis class on Saturday (tho I'd rather have done so or not bothered driving there, being, egads, she was so tired from the horse show getting up, WANTING to, at 5:15 a.m., and then the hour drive to the feis class, she was too carsick/woken up at a bad time so couldn't hardly stand).    And, she wasn't in the horse show (tho that's still disappointing being now there's not even the school's in 2 weeks and I'm still not clear why not but too late now to plan it so oh well).   Little things like that are paying off, monetarily speaking, even if small.  

So then I go and pull this bozo thing.   UGH.   Sigh.    Worse comes to worse, I will check on a cash withdrawal from the credit card I was trying to use in the first place, tho it'd have been cheaper and less stressful to just have it charged to that card from the get go.    I won't do this again:)


Daggnabbit.   I just wrote an upbeat update, and it didn't save albeit I pressed the save button.   Argh.

Anyway, good news is that I have funds in the savings account to cover this, w/out bounce fees I'm trying to avoid pending when my car insurance payment gets processed, and I did charge some items to the actual credit-credit card.   I should even have a few dollars to still go to breakfast w/ a friend on Saturday, and hang w/ friends at a retirement party Thursday.   I will see first.   I didn't try to get anything extra this past week / weekend, other than $1.75 cat toys as it was Billy's birthday, and ice cream for M:) and a t-shirt from the feis, and engraving on the trophies and medal she won.   Gas is thee expensive thing right now, oy, but that's another thread:)

Just chatted w/ my boss, rearranged his afternoon, and will handle this.  Plus if I can, well, no, have to wait until tonight, drop off a b-day gift M made for her friend, Gi, at Gi's house (Wed bday), and drop clothes from C's off w/ M at her school, but that involves going home, too, and there's not time.

I'm still not too happy w/ myself, but, life goes on.:)   Have a good one, all.


Okay, not getting out after all.   Things going on here, and the nurse who I'm somewhat friends with knew I'd be trying to squeeze in going to the other town and back, and simply asked me how much I needed.   Bless her.   This gives me squeeze room and she knows I can pay her back.   Hopefully she'll be able to get it to me in time for me to race it to the bank and get back for a meeting I'm in later.   Except I'm HUNGRY, lol.

And, clothes to M guess will have to wait.  Hope they don't get on her case tonight about them; I'll have to e-mail her dad later.   Will work again now until the woman returns.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Burden of Being Smart

Last night, M joined me while walking Daisy after picking up M from the barn where she spent some time training Corey more.   She was, understandably, disappointed that her shadowing a high schooler wasn't going to happen today after all.  (They'd tried to pull up her name in the database, um, she hasn't attended public schools, her name won't be there.   So I was asked where she attends, they're familiar with that school, great, but gee, she's not been accepted into that magnet program yet?  Well, no.   They did NOT like that she's not even in 8th grade yet, never mind that she hadn't yet applied for that magnet program, been tested, AND been accepted into it.   That seems backwards to me.   But, hard to argue the grade level.   There was no edgeroom with her lower grade level (which I implied was 7th grade tho didn't actually state that, for that'd be lying.......). 

Lovely day.   We sat on the grass for a bit.   "I don't want to be so smart.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I don't want to do (said a few things) and find the cure for cancer."   "Well, honey, then you won't.  I don't know what God has in mind for you."   It was probably wise of me NOT to have gone into the whole "utilizing the gifts and talents God's given you" deal.    "But, what if you're in a hospital with cancer, and I'm in there and somehow happen to find something that is the cure."   "Well, then, you'll have saved me:)"   "But I don't want to save you."   Explaining not so much saving me, but solving the cancer problem, isn't what she wants to do.   I did, however, try to tell her that she has many interests, and she'd be pursuing something she enjoys.   Talking about that.

I've had some intelligent relatives.   Some were scallop shuckers, or piano players, and gravel truck drivers, and some taught at colleges, or wrote, and had degrees.   I've been in the "Gifted and Talented" track at school.   Being smart is not enough for a person to be "successful" in life.   I'm not just talking social skills, either, tho that helps a lot.   Megan, thankfully, has those down.   It probably helped that she talked very well very early, and how I and those at her school interact with her.   Even a fellowHS youth advisor recently assumed M was joining high school next year, as M is so mature.   I'm not even talking common sense, either, because there are certainly very intelligent people who seem to lack basic common sense/smarts sometimes.   Ones emotionally intelligence, and ones confidence, and perhaps even ones spiritual intelligence, are all very critical.   (Drug use and suicides don't really go with being happily successful.)  All in time for her, and yes, I want that rounded persona for M, smart and confident enough to go for it, whatever "it" is that makes her happy, with compassion.

She knew not to "brag" yesterday with the other kids in her class.   Two of the boys her age/grade whom she's friends with, however, brought up the assessment tests.   Originally, she said only that she did much better than she expected.   One of the boys said that was true for him, too, and that he'd gotten a 90 for math.   M responded that she had, too, much to his surprise "as he knows Md and I are always complaining about how much we hate math."   She feels equal to the boys, usually, including physically.   The boys talked more, this same one saying he got a 99 on one, so M did respond that she thinks she got a 99 on three.   I told her it's not bragging if she's asked specifically.   I also told her that she shouldn't feel she must hide it or be embarrassed by it, just don't brag.  Fine line I'm sure.

I thought back to when M was in preschool.   A coworker accountant type has a boy the same age as M, and they're in the same grade.   He used to sit closer to me, and we'd chat about our children.   One day, I relayed to him that I was excited because she seemed to have started grasping beginning mathematical concepts.   We'd come home the night before, and M had said something akin to, "Mommy, a hamburger is just a hamburger, but a cheeseburger is a hamburger and a cheeseburger."   The coworker was surprised that M could speak in complete sentences, and that well, and make sense.   I stopped commenting on specifics after that.   His boy is often in summer schools and struggles, so we talk generic school stuff now. 

God has a purpose for us all.   May all of our children find theirs:)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

You Can Be Anything You Want :)

Okay, right now I'm FRUSTRATED b/c I wrote a long entry in regards to M, her academics, and her recent (only!) assessment testing she's ever done.......   Sigh.  It didn't save even though I pressed "save!"  

I was interupted by a call from M's school, being asked to chaperone a Going Out (mini-field trip).   I don't have a lot of vacation time, but gosh, I love doing these:)   I'm doing one for M and some other 6th graders to the Smithsonian for the study of African masks, somehow the day AFTER the class travel fair.   This one is to "the" zoo.   Two of the girls are repeat-requesters, who I've chaperoned a couple times before:)   I love how mature they grow over time.   This third girl for the zoo trip is the one who called me.   She asked me if I preferred to drive or take the metro.   I've always wanted the metro b/c of the mass transportation idea, but they have a SmartTrip card thing, I call the stupidcard, which I HATE.   I told the girl if anyone had not taken metro before, that I'd prefer to do that, as they're all old enough now they should know how to use it, but otherwise, I might prefer driving, but for them to calculate the costs for everyone and perhaps just see which is cheaper.   Hehe:)   Hey, it's polite to ask me, but they can do this.  Hmmm, wondering if it's driving for the Smithsonian trip......   I wasn't asked my preference for that, but I know driving is part of that one.

I came in last night from walking Daisy, while M was finishing up feeding the cats and Daisy-dog.   We were talking, while I undid the leash, and stayed scanning the "home report" results of the 6th grade standardized assessment test.   M said that she and others were tested yesterday on their math abilities for proper placement in next year's Intermediate class (combined 7th and 8th graders).   "I'm sure I'll be in with general math and not the algebra group b/c I'm so bad at math."   It irks me when she thinks that way, as she's actually always been very good at math.   I'm starting to learn that she feels more socially accepted if she's "not very good" at it, and if she comprehends a concept before anyone else in her group, she'll then turn around and go, "Huh?" and "lose" her comprehension, claiming it was a momentarily lapse of smartness.   Sigh.

"Well, M, I think you'll be in algebra.   Look, this shows you're not bad at math; you're good at math."   The graph showed what percentile a student placed, so I explained to M how that differs from percentage correct on a test.   There were 12 overall scores shown; M was in the 99th percentile for 3 of the 12.   I'm still feeling a bit dumbfounded, proud, going okay, so what do I do now for her about this, a bit vindicated for having done all I have for her over these past years (everything from breastfeeding to having her in private Montessori schooling), and heck, I always knew she was smart, but wow.   The 9 other scores were also very very good, mostly also in the 90's for percentile.   (I also am reminded how I know M has not really been challenged-challenged in her schooling, even if encouraged.   We'll have to change that!)

Her dad's girlfriend called M from Sh's cell phone, to congratulate M, which is fine, I don't care, but a bit odd.   If anyone called, I would have thought that her dad would call, yanno?   Guess Si got on the phone, too, briefly.   Si is having a dance recital coming up, naturally the same day as M's next actual (school/low key) horse show, but probably still doable.

So, I asked M if she wished to call Grandma and B about it, and she did, and they chatted a while.   I wasn't going to make it such a big deal, but maybe it should be made a big deal of, sort of.   When I had IQ tests done, routinely in school, I wasn't told the specific results I don't think, or told generally, something.   Not made a big deal of.   I do think, ultimately, for a preteen girl anyway, that anything to help boost self confidence in a true, real way, can be good.  

Later on, I told M that I always knew she was smart, but now she knows that she should never except someone telling her she's not smart enough for something.   She can be anything she wants.   It may require physical skills, or, say, stage presence which she has but someone else w/ her exact same set of scores might not, or having studied a certain subject or having certain experience, but she is smart enough to do anything.  M responded just as seriously, "I want to be a neonatologist." 

M's been interested in many things, including medicine, but never medicine for people of any age, only medical-related fields for care of horses, animal rescue animals, or for marine creatures (from dolphins to mermaids! once when little), among other potential career interests.  She'd been part of an interview panel when a neonatologist doctor, and other career women, visited her Girl Scout meeting Monday night.   The woman brought thee tiniest diaper and pacifier, and had worked w/ a 14 ounce baby that day.   I responded to M, "Yes, you could do that.  If you want to.   You can be a neonatalogist; you can be President.   Well, obviously, as you're smarter than he is."   LOL.  We talked about how the current President might get flustered on camera b/c of how garbled some of his grammar and English gets in his speeches. 

Then she asked me questions about immigration, and why people are so against Mexicans.   We talked for a while about immigration, racism, illegal and legal immigrants and "legal" ways someone might come here, about Jesus even, and how some including "Dubya" want immigrants to the U.S. to speak English.   I told her that it was easier for my grandfather, as he'd learned English as well as Gaelic when growing up in Ireland and was good with languages.   Many immigrants don't have that advantage.   We talked more about him, including how he learned calculus in 6th grade, was done with his formal education at that time, and didn't wish to be a farmer or priest, so left via South America, to Ellis Island, and went right on to college.   M asked me about calculus, and in talking about various math courses, I mentioned to her that calculus was the first class of any type I'd ever had to study for.  "Study for MATH?"   LOL.   That's my girl:)   Yep, math is way easy for her and she just wishes to appear as "average" as her friends, but she finds it sad that anyone would do so poorly she'd have to study MATH.   (I'll talk w/ her teachers for next year about this social aspect keeping her back, as I know she dropped the higher level literature classes for social reasons, too.)     M mentioned later that she must get her language skills from my grandfather.   Ah, perhaps, but somehow she totally overlooked his math skills.   (She really gets her genetics from multiple relatives, but hey.)

Natalie Merchant is who I'm reminded of now -- the song about the prodigy baby which always reminded me of M, and makes me smile:)   With love and care, she can be anything, eh?  :)

When M walked back out towards her room and let me change into night clothes, she said, "Hmmm, neonatologist or President."  


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Sometimes, Things Work Out

Very pop song, and I even like Bon Jovi, which followed the radio announcers discussing American Idol as if I care.   Rolling my eyes.   I really need to find a less-pop station for the truck rides, albeit, M likes it and it often plays really great stuff even from "the past."   It's just stuck in a playlist right now that repeats this new Bon Jovi song and daily repeats Sheryl Crowe "Ironic."   Bleh.   I prefer when it plays Natasha Bedingfield (Unwritten or others), or GooGooDolls (lots of good stuff from them) b/c those are both so good, even if "pop"ular.   (Making mental note -- put cd's back in truck for listening pleasure!)

And to think, I was going to say that my mind is pretty clear thinking today!   So much better than yesterday, woke up later than desired but got coordinated, and going through things readily/clearly at work today, too.  My boss and I talked a few times, various topics that might seem random to someone else, but good to go through and check off, as if catching up -- let's check on this, and this, and hey! :)   So, instead I come on here and I ramble on a musical tangent and add the note about clothing (below).  LOL.   Still much clearer today, however, even if also a mind going in many directions at once.  (I'd even forgotten to bring something to another woman in my dance group last night, lol, she'd left it at Southern Maryland Celtic Festival and I'd picked it up for her.  Oh, well!  Typical of yesterday, and, it'll work out.)

Anyway, M was naturally not happy with me when I picked her up yesterday from the barn, as she was going to be both late to class and I didn't have her dance shoes.   She'd been in a decent but disappointed mood, b/c the show Saturday is now not going to include M riding now, Corey or anyone.   She and a co-barn girl, Mo, are now being asked to help out instead of riding.   With Callie gone, other horses have to be brought in for the "midgets" to ride.   M was pretty upset when she was in the truck and talked about her disappointment, as if she then felt okay to talk about it, plus hit with me not having her dance shoes.   I had told the barn director that financially, it worked out better, (see, sometimes things work out!), and when all hanging at the barn, M seemed okay.  Guess she understands but is disappointed.  

Plus, I forgot, her dance class doesn't start at 6pm now, but at 5:45.   It never actually started at 5:45 initially, but closer to 6pm, and traffic is so bad that time of day, it was great to just get her there by 6pm.   Oops, the teacher Ma hadmoved it all back to 5:45 but I didn't know that, so most of the year, M's been late and I didn't find that out until about a month ago.   Naturally, foggy-brain yesterday, I didn't remember, so M wouldn't get there until about 6pm ish AND w/out her shoes.   She hated that, didn't wish to look bad and I told her I was sorry, it was my fault, and she fell asleep enroute.   Oy.    (She could get her things prepared herself, yes, but I had told her I would; I expect her to get herself ready for school, and if she's going anyplace right after, I get that stuff ready.)

Well, Ma was really nice and in a good mood, and was outside for a moment, anyway, when we arrived.   I told her right upfront, "I'm sorry, it's my fault, M doesn't have her shoes with her tonight."   Well, she was fine w/ that and said M could borrow HER hardshoes, and assumed M was staying for the advanced class later, anyway.   M was offered that 2 weeks ago, that if she's running late (and 2 weeks ago, took 45 minutes from 1 town to the next horrible), to just stay in the advanced class to get in her practice.   Ma expected this, and it helped M realize that Ma didn't think M was late.  Phew:)   Ma also wants M to work more with that class, too, b/c those dancers are more serious, and the intermediate class includes many dancers who are goofing around or blase at times.  

Dance Co. didn't happen, though.   Maybe she told dancers last week, after teaching the dance, Thunder.   M, naturally, wasn't taken by C, so she missed it, and there wasn't an e-mail notice.   M still got her $7. to V for a Dance Company shirt, and M told me she had picked what version of her last name to put on her shirt.   I do want it to be her (M's) choice, so I didn't ask what she chose, just said, "Okay, good, so it's taken care of."   M having two classes and not Dance Company rehearsal meant she could come w/ me later for my ceili/set dance groups end of the year mini-ceili w/live music.   M felt too sore to dance along, enjoyed eating and hanging.   Next year, it should work out well for her to come sometimes when not youth group Tuesday nights.   I told Ma that they'd asked for stepdancers, but I'd told them they would be in rehearsal at the same time!   Ma and I both rather laughed and shrugged, oh well, next time.   Yeah.   It works out, right?

Anyway, Ma re-asked M about staying in Dance Company but based out of their other studio in mid-Maryland.   Culturally, anything outside of the "greater DC area" just sounds so far away, but it might actually work not much worse than trekking further south in my county, where Ma thinks the new studio might be.   The night sure works better, it might be Friday nights in Mont. County, and that's just so not good being M's every/other weekend w/ her father, C.  M was confused about the logistics, but when able to talk w/ me alone, that was clarified.  M really wants to stay stepdancing and with Ma, but also just loves to perform.   Yes, Thursday nights will work.   Ma is making it two regular Dance Companies, and one Apprentice this year.   M is too good for Apprentice.

Ma also re-asked M about being in Oireachtas (sp) this year.  I asked her what that is.  Something to do with competing Irish dance figures, like ceili/set dancing, and M thinks M has the right look for it while dancing, etc., and is more exposed to it than most (b/c of our involvement in ceili/set dancing, too).   This would be for regionals, which is held in Washington, D.C. this year, which qualifies for Worlds.  Last year, Regionals was in Atlanta.  I think the Regionals is when M is scheduled to be with C this year, but the four preliminary classes with Ma are when M is with me.   I talked about summer schedule with Ma, too, how our local dance company camp is obviously not happening as the local dance company has been disbanded, but apparently regular dance camp IS still.   The dance company camp being held in the other town is when M is w/ C, AND is also in horse camp.  I told Ma that M is double-scheduled already, since something like February, b/c se thought she'd be in the local dance company camp.  Ma understood, and said she'd work something out with me:)

I just had to call her last night or this a.m. and let her know for sure re: M in Dance Co. for next year, so she can de-select another girl who hadn't been told yet.  I'm not sure that's truly the case or not, if anyone's NOT selected who would otherwise fit in fine.   I know she has standards, but if a dancer met those, and tried out, ?   I don't know.   It's nice to hear allthe good things she believes about M, and I agree.  

If M had just had more practice time, class time, etc., this year, wow, she'd REALLY blow us all away!   If M wishes to, b/c I wouldn't force her, she could stay stepdancing for another 6 years before college.   She moved up to Novice level her 2nd year of stepdancing, naturally talented, and LOVES it.  She's also a good performer, stage presence, handles herself well even if messes up or has to improvise.   She cares less about competing and that shows:)   The past 2 years in Dance Company, with a couple championship dancers even, who did not look down on her, it's been really great for M and even I will miss that for her.   I am trying to think of what personal thank you I can do for each and every one of them, really.   Moving on.......  and, it's going to be okay.

Now, to figure out summer schedule, talk w/ my mother AND with C, or him and then her, plus including Ma.  I left her a message this a.m. about it, and an e-mail.  

M is set for shadowing sophmore V at V's school/magnet program on Friday, AND, V said she'd treat M to lunch, too:)  I guess they have open lunch there.   I think it helps V feel really important, and she's enjoyed mentoring, and V is almost beyond thrilled, lol.   Another girl there at that school, a senior named G, also works at the barn where M rides, and G is likely able to drive M from that high school  to the barn Friday afternoon.  If it stays this gorgeous out, it'll really go well.

Oh, M's school teacher was apparently in a bad mood all around yesterday.  I knew it wasn't like her, so I'll overlook it.   They had assigned seats! which is NOT typical, and meant M couldn't work with J on their Africa project, part is due this Friday.   I told M this a.m., that maybe she and J could get together this afternoon or tomorrow, as finding time during school hasn't worked out so well most days this past week.


Maybe I'll even get to enjoy some of it, lol, writing this took up a lot of my lunchtime so far.... but, that's okay.

(Today's pants: "stone" khaki capris; shirt: pistachio-ish / spring  w/ crocheted multi-green sweater; I love this combination)  We'll see if I care to stay updating this or not, got the idea from the "questionaire" section, which was ironic as I so rarely wear dresses any more; I did wear a pale mauve w/ purple beaded designed skirt to the ceili Sunday but usually pants even to church).

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Tuesday's update

So I get a notice to print off something in color and realize, oh, I forgot to get my new!! color printer set up and I gave away my other one......   it's only sitting right here, but I got caught up in meetings and flights and hotel reservations and helping the new person figure out where in our DC building he's to go tomorrow for a meeting........  but at least I have someone who'll print the item off in color, and got the meetings and other stuff set well:)

I finally decided around 3 or 3:30 to eat some lunch, microwaved Amy's frozen veggie lasagne that pretty good, btw.   I usually wait for the food, stretch, do ballet, whatever, but didn't have the patience to wait the full 5 minutes (never mind turning it for another 2 minutes).   It was partially VERY hot and partially not cooked.  I should know better.   I'm patient with children and pets and living creatures, but not microwaves apparently.

That was my emergency stash food.   I'd not eaten at lunch b/c the financial assistant at M's school called me back.   The teacher decided she wanted the cash.  I was a bit amused, really.  The school does charge payments, often, but I think that the teacher felt rushed and didn't know how to deal with that or wish to bother dealing with it.   Whatever.   I did get out long enough to run to that bank and drop the cash off with the "office administrator" who is wonderfully helpful.   I wasn't sure I'd have the time, but I barely did so hey.   Only b/c I work so close by, and the teacher knows this of course, cuz she'll call on me to help out throughout the years and stuff.  

But, in the vending machine/microwave room, doing my stretches, my mind wandered to dancing and tonight.  I have M's clothes with me, check, water bottle, check, snack, check.   Daggone it.  I knew I had to stop home at lunch, for her two pairs of dance SHOES.   UGH.   Well, guess I will drop her at class, hope they're doing soft shoe first and she can dance in her socks, and then swing home to p/up the shoes and walk the dog/feed the pets.   I just hate having her look bad and unprepared.

Also meant to call the magnet school's program coordinator during lunchtime, and confirm for Friday for M to shadow V, but, we have talked and it's not a big deal to leave her a message and/or just call tomorrow.   Still.  I was thrown off schedule.

I do, however, have my boss okay, the most important thing of course, M is likely enjoying barn time b/c she almost always does, and did I mention, it's GORGEOUS outside!  :)   Walls of pollen scratching my eyes, but GORGEOUS:)   Bet she gave Corey a good training session today, hopefully!   She's worked hard w/ Corey and everyone is pleased at the payoff so far.


orange swirl

I've tried to think lately just how to describe what it's like to have ADD.  I have a few concepts I like:)   Swirling thoughts.   Sometimes, swirling by and around, it's as if I feel like I'm drowning.  That's not such a good thing when it's that bad.   Swirling as if one could just reach out and pluck a random idea in her hand, something minor or major and it's as if they're equally important and as likely to be mulled over or half-forgotten, and not grabbed.   That's a problem -- how to differentiate and recall what's important, even while sure, notice the rest, but not to the distraction of what's needed.  

Sometimes, it's not exactly swirls.   Then again, often thoughts do have some relation to each other, just skipping along rapidly instead of stopping and slowly going forward from a to b to c to d........ on to, say, r.   Sometimes, one can go from a to b, see b as practically the same as d (and, it is), and flip on to, say, v, b/c there is some connection between d and v in my head that's personal so I won't relay it here.  Or something blows outside the window, and I remember, oh, w.   It's been fun the couple of times when my boss and I both jump immediately from, say, b to d to w, and we don't have to stop and explain how, or apologize.   He might not get v as readily, but he'd not find it odd if I said, oh, d reminded me of v -- can we go to that now?  

I also think of chaos, the concept of the ADD/ADHD mind as beautiful as the Chaos Theory is.   Have you ever seen photos of that?   I almost took up a college physics course after the book, and movie, but more the book, Jurassic Park.  Okay, it helped that I was seriously dating a physicist, and his housebuddies and friends were mostly physicists, too.   He and I shared that book, and he could explain some of it to me.   The photos are beautiful.  Chaos isn't actually as out of order as one would think, either.  There are patterns to it.   Within the chaos, there are patterns, and there is beauty:)

But, I think orange swirls more than caramel somehow, orange sherbert swirls in vanilla ice cream:)   One might have to go around and through and get scattered about, but there is some connection and some jumps to ones thoughts.

I do realize how utterly difficult it may be to read most of my journal entries.   I'm sorry about that.  What I do, typically, is just type right out of my head, thoughts as fast as my fingers can type them.   However they come out.   I do this in part to help show how my mind functions, for myself and anyone else reading.    When I'm thinking more clearly, or focused on one topic, it's easier.   When I'm just spilling out my thoughts, yikes.   It's a snapshot in time of my brain in motion.   I find it easier to read something orderly.   I'm sorry if others need that and can't handle this.   I understand:)   No worries.   Sometimes it helps me to just vent on here, too.  

I swear I'm ordering orange-swirl ice cream next time I see it offered, though:)   Or caramel.....

Tags: ,

it's Tuesday again; money woes

Well, Girl Scouts last night that was alright.   Lasted long b/c the last meeting before the picnic/party/awards night.   (There is a swimming night, too, but when M is with C and likely Si's b-day party night, too.  I'll let M decide if she's telling C or not.  It's doubtful he'd let her go even if not Si's birthday party day/night, but hey, up to M if she wants to or not, if she does, we'll let him know.)   Guess this woman is still going to just stay planning EVERYTHING.   Not having me involved, even, and I'm the coleader.   I did help her figure out what requirements were met for what IPP's (what they call badges / try-its at that level of GS), and what fun patches, etc., but still.   The girls should be planning EVERYTHING at this point, so WTF???   In DD's old troop, they started planning out and budgeting when older Brownies, and of course all through Juniors.  This is supposed to be a Cadette troop, and the leader is doing 85% of all of the planning.  Whatever!  :)
M was concerned last night b/c I reminded her of a feis class Saturday -- it's in preparation for a feis, i.e., dance competition, she's in on Sunday and has known for months, told me she wanted to do this feis, etc.   But, "What time is the class Saturday, Mom, b/c of the show."  Huh?   She thought she'd told me all about a horse show she wants to be in, to show Corey, the horse she's been training.   Ugh.   She fully believes she told me, and I entirely do NOT recall that conversation at all -- if she dreamt it or if I was too far away and didn't hear her, I don't know.   The timing works out beautifully, and it'd be great for her (and for Corey), but gosh.   That's money.   These 2 weeks are very tight monetarily.   I reminded her I'd just paid for her to go to camp with her class next week and I didn't know if I had enough for a horse show.   I don't think I can charge it.   I DID just make my last payment to the school for the year, yeah! :) so I can catch back up (pay back down) on my charge card this summer, but still.    She does about 1 horse show a year and now she gets another opportunity that'd be perfect, but it's NOW?!   Oh, well:)
Wrapping up the end of the year mostly.   Way overdue with some forms for next year, etc.  My ADD has kicked in so badly this year it seems.  I didn't mean to not fill them out yet, and I did only misplace them once (for a while).   I can't have the "set up" charge for next year's financial contract happen until 2 weeks from now, anyway, but in theory, I can just tell them that part.  It's the rest of it.   I wish I had my taxes done, too, b/c then I could apply for the financial aid.  It's just too overwhelming for me.  I have a mind for details; I have a mind for math.  I do NOT have a mind that can organize this stuff sufficiently to DO the details and the math.   DOING them is the easier part, almost.   Gathering / organizing is not....
Need to find out what is happening for SURE with dance camp, b/c it alters how C and I will do the summer visitation schedule, and, um, M's/my mom's/my trip to Maine, too.    Hopefully tonight at class, b/c I have to write him again about it, but can't yet.  (I saw he wrote me yesterday on it, was too busy to read it with work and Girl Scouts, even missed my dance rehearsal last night to spend time w/ M, but I won't be able to respond to his response (I'd written him first but some time back), anyway, until after tonight.  Sometimes I hate it when he writes b/c I just cringe, not knowing if he's going to lash out and what stuff is inside of it.   It is, however, better than when he and I would "talk" over the phone and he could just yell whatever.)
Haven't heard more from any guys but I didn't anticipate that and am fine with it.   Oh, BJ wants me to visit him in in his city, too:)   He'd said that probably a year ago, too, but somehow it didn't happen.   I won't let that slide again.   I meant to check out flights yesterday, at least for cost purposes, and if the band, Train is playing there, but got too busy at work.   I didn't realize he also liked Train, and wouldn't that be fun for us, with M even, or?   Maybe that'll be our third band, in a way, first is Howie Day, second is GooGoo Dolls/Better Days song (awesome song), and yeah, Charlie Brown's Christmas is maybe in there, too, I forgot, and we both love it and he made me that cd of it, oops, shouldn't go forgetting, so maybe if Train becomes one of "our" bands / songs, it'll be fourth.
M has until June 9th.   She shadows a high schooler in a magnet program this Friday and is way excited.  Heck, the coordinator for the program is pleased, too, so, good.   BJ almost laughed, "Weeks?," he says.   Um, yeah, just a few more weeks.   His second oldest is out of school, his oldest finishes exams this week, and I think his youngest two are done this Friday, also.   I don't remember when Maine gets out, and we'd hoped to get to Florida this summer, too, where my high school roomie lives but she and I lost touch when I had to switch my e-mails, tho I've written her.   Maybe she was just busy then.  
Tis summer, and, well, I will include (BJ's town) in my plans:)   BJ also said he'd be in my area often the next 6 months.  
Br just IM'd -- he's going to Ireland tomorrow for only 5 days.   That'd feel like a tease to me, being gone only that long, but hey, it'd still be lovely! 
UGH, M's teacher just called.   They upped the cost of M's camping trip by $40. and the teacher's upset with ME b/c she thinks I had sufficient notice.  Um, no.   The note in February said the dates only; I'm excited and so is M for the trip.   I estimated by the cost of last year.   $40. more on top of a large amount, is a HUGE amount.   The teacher is even a friend of mine, yet she's annoyed with me somehow.   I explained how the just over 2 weeks notice for the money (note gotten May 3 evening, due May 19th, the cost of last year's which is steep enough, plus an ADDITIONAL $40., is just not realistic for budgeting purposes).    Then she's upset b/c she's in the middle of a lesson, but she's the one who had called me.   Anyway, I sent the note on Friday about this, said I could not pay Friday (I couldn't).   The trip is next week.   They asked for checks made out to the school, not the camping place.   Just happens I'm out of checks (at least, I think so), UGH so I asked Friday if they could do a charge Monday, or if they needed cash, and that not having a check itself is my fault not hers, but the lack of notice is still insuffient.   The teacher read the note today.   I'm really not tryingto be complicated.   She says she understands my situation but, "Come on, only $40."   Um, yes.   It makes a big difference to me/us, money IS that tight.   Of all the people there, I really thought she'd understand.   She even referred to her notice in February, but that listed only the dates, and NOT the cost.  (I had said in the note that I wasn't complaining about the cost, but lack of notice for it, and even 1 more weeks notice would have made a difference.  And, that is true.  I'd have paid less at my end of the month bills to compensate for this.  I told her, honestly, that I'll be charging our groceries these next 2 weeks (not that $40. would have made all the difference there, but the entire cost of the camping added up makes it that hard, yes.) )   "I had no idea there wasn't a check in here."   Um, well, that is something I'm sorry about, but if they weren't going to be required until today, I could have maybe reordered checks and gotten one n TODAY, don't insist they be turned in Friday, then, I guess.   I should have sent a postdated check, but I'm apparently out of checks, but I had offered two other ways of handling it, on Friday (charge to M's checking account, or I can pull the cash out of there and drop cash by).   I'm sure she's a bit panicked now.   I was when I saw the trip is extra expensive this year.  
Sometimes, having to pay everything by myself is really hard.
M has $20. for yearbooks right now.  It was $8. for pizza last night b/c I was at the meeting, too, and if I ever say, "I don't have it," to the leader, that I won't eat, she ends up paying it herself (and insisting I go ahead and eat "leftovers") so I feel badly.   It was the last night for the year, and M expected to eat pizza w/ the girls and not something I'd have packed, and I just did not have time to call and say that yes, I could be there still, M&I would both come, but we'll have to skip the pizza.   So, whatever, $4. each adds up and I HATE that.....   It's $15. for the commerative t-shirt at the camp they go to next week.   Fantastic camp, btw, I'm THRILLED she gets this chance:)   And $7. for the dance company t-shirt all the dancers are getting made that were in this town's dance company this past year, commerative and bittersweet as it's canceled now for future years.....   and a great price.   I think one of the dancers (V is coordinating) has a friend making them for part of an art class or something, not sure.   And $3. every Friday for hot lunch.   No, $3. isn't a lot, no, none of this is a lot, but it's those little things that I must be sure to budget in right now to be really sure it's there for her.  
Plus, of course, the "big" bills, some of which will have to wait until next payday, and gas for the truck and groceries, anything that can be charge right now, will have to be.   I hate it when money is this tight, I sure like having enough of a cushion to just pay what's needed, yanno?
I will really need to see the costs for this horse show, and talk w/ the barn manager as to how to pay for them.   The costs paid to THEM I think she'll let me delay (the trailering costs), but the cost for those who host the show, usually they like a check.   Last show, the cost for the show-runner was $30.   Still not a lot, but it has to be there, and it adds up, and M may need to pay that part herself out of her money.   I hate that, but if I don't have it, I don't have it.   I'd pay her back (for this).  
Oh, and at the feis itself, food is sold and vendors are there with dance-related items, and she usually likes to get a t-shirt from the feis, too.  Ugh, I'd forgotten, tho most take charge cards, the food vendors want cash, understandably.  
And last night, I thought her feet had grown, lol, if they had, oh well, she'd need new shoes, but if they had NOW, the timing would almost be laughable.   M's had the same size foot for almost a year now, which is 1/2 size smaller than mine, so yeah should could wear some of my shoes, that aren't really her style and are old, but most likely get her new pairs b/c once she grows, she'll GROW I think.   She did like my pink sandals, though:)   Yeah, I do, too.   She does have new (used) hardshoes she could dance in, and her riding boots came bigger than ordered and so would still fit, and perhaps better.
It will be an okay day:)   It will.   It's COLD today, bright outside and windy.   Allergies amuck.  Meg's tummy hurt last night AND this a.m., part of why I called the teacher back so quickly in case (tho she did say, not an emergency).   I even let her eat 3 small chocolate kisses this a.m. with breakfast b/c I know that the cocoa helps w/ tummy aches, at least, mine, that and mint or ginger.   She was excited to eat them:)  lol   Maybe, psychologically, they'll help, anyway, right, placebo effect?   
M rides Corey this afternoon, and gets info on the show.  She is psyched for it -- I'll try to make it happen:)   There's an end of the year mini-ceili with my dance group tonight; M will join in (used to dance w/ them, too), depending on how long her dance classes go tonight.   I need to write that teacher about an upcoming festival.......  (on Father's Day but if C is asked along w/ everyone else in the group e-mails, he might let M go, if he doesn't have other plans which of course it's "his" day but still, this could be great fun for all of them, it's a nice festival I'm also in but a different day).
At least when I talked w/ the school, I got to talk w/ the woman who assists the financial person, and I told her I'd relook for the forms, that it's certainly me who has them and not them as I'm the one with ADD, and she was really nice and said to just let her know in a few days one way or the other (if she should send me new forms).  :)  So, THAT is good:)  There is no way I'd have M miss out on the next 2 years there........ it's too great of a program.
Somehow, I can parent usually really decently, but some of those organizational details are daggone tricky.
Alright, back to the regulary-scheduled program.  :)  Have a great day, all!
(pants - black, dressy; shirt - fuschia silk/short sleeves)

Monday, May 22, 2006


Okay, I'll try!  lol, not always so good with these.  
1. FIRST NAME?       Robin
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  My mom just liked the name, but my middle name, Elizabeth, is after my paternal grandmother and my aunt (dad's sister), and my daughter and my goddaughter/niece/maternal side also has it as their middle name.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?  Hmm, wiping away tears this a.m. but that was from allergies:)  not sure if I cried or not about BJ not actually able to come to my town last night or not.  I was sad about it, and daggone allergies.   My eyes tear almost constantly this time of year.  Heck, they are now, too, from pollens.
4. DO YOU HAVE GOOD HANDWRITING?  if I really want to:)
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? peanut butter!   (I'm vegetarian, mostly)
6. KIDS?   1 beautiful daughter:)
I sure hope so.  I think I'd also have to have ADD to understand myself, lol.   Well, it'd help.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?  Yes, on my computer <<you DO, L.?   Like a blog?   I just started one but I'm not so good about it, lol.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?  homemade granola with fresh blueberries, or strawberries;  although I also like oatmeal believe it or not, with 100% maple syrup:)
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  If they're shoes that tie and untie, yes, if not, then no. :)
14. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STRONG?  Yes (my definition of strong, eh!)
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?  Peppermint, or pumpkin:)  I'm really picky about those two, too.
16. SHOE SIZE?    7 narrow
17. RED OR PINK?   PINK baby, all the way
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?  my ADD is sometimes an absolutely huge struggle for me
9. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  right now, both M and BJ, but BJ and I got to talk a long time last night, so I'm feeling pretty good about him/I, and I'm looking forward to seeing M TODAY! and BJ in 2 weeks.  M was away this weekend and had to sneak to her dad's garage where they store her backpack, to get her cell phone and text me.   (Not sent with the e-mail but added here:  As BJ says, and I agree, that's just ridiculous that she has to do that.  Heck, his youngest and oldest both, separately, called him last night while he and I were talking.   And both of us doing laundry and me dishes, also....  yeah, we could have been doing a lot of other things instead!)
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING:  green dress, brown heels that, um tie, lol.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE?  blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, and a Honest Tea /Moroccan Mint Green, wow, a "normal" breakfast for once.  (And two tums.)
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?  wind blowing outside, and my typing on the keyboard; listened last night driving home to A Charlie Brown Christmas after I got too sentimental/missing BJ listening to Howie Day (yeah, okay, so he gave me the Charlie Brown cd, lol).   Listened to Matt Cunningham band live for 4 hours yesterday, too, though:)   Great music, good dance (ceili).
25. FAVORITE SMELL?  vanilla, rose, lilac, M (okay, hope that doesn't sound weird), fresh pine forest, the ocean
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?  BJ.  (Interesting I've worked a lot today w/ others, but all online and via fax!)
29. FAVORITE DRINK?  gin and tonic with a lot of lime
30. FAVORITE SPORT?  dancing, or hiking
31. EYE COLOR? brown
32. HAT SIZE? ???  whatever fits:)  lol, meaning, who knows, but I love hats
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?  No, tried them but it was too much work, and, I have allergies so anything else in my eyes?   Not so doable.
34. FAVORITE FOOD?  hmmm, ice cream?  I'm really in the mood for a good spinach salad with avocado right now but wouldn't call it my absolute favorite, lol.   peanut butter maybe.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE?  Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch,and the Wardrobe
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both, but w/ the right guy?  Oh, yeah, lots of kisses.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT?   I think I answered that already:)  lol had homemade blueberry pie yesterday that was fantastic, fresh blueberries, could have used vanilla ice cream on top to really make it superb but didn't need it
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?  whomever doesn't have time right now
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?  books?  I have some I'd like to read.   I focus on trying to stay caught up with The Washington Post:)   Some year I'll read a book again.   I'd like to read Frank McCourt's one on teaching in NY (after "Tis,").  Oh, Hoot.  I'm reading some of Hoot, as I got it for M and she's doing a report on it.   Then we'll both go see the movie:) (out currently).
 WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Monet's waterlilies.  
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Didn't watch t.v. this weekend.   I think I watched some of Good Morning America on Thursday a.m. while I got ready for work, but just happenstance.  
FAVORITE SOUNDS??  NOT the sound I'm hearing now, testing the fire alarms ACK!  
Phew, silence now.  What a beautiful sound:)  Actually, the sounds of early morning, birds waking up and greeting the day.   The ocean waves.   Sound of a heavy summer rain on a roof and down a drainpipe.  Musically, perhaps a Celtic flute / pennywhistle.   Or a good drumming like a thunderstorm:)
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?  Beatles all the way.  (adding here only:   I like the Beatles, anyway, but my late cousin, Dougie, adored them.   When I'd visit Maine for the summer, or anytime but especially in the summers, we'd listen to Beatles "24/7."  His favorite was John Lennon.   I think my favorite includes Paul McCartney for his songs/poems.   I miss Dougie.   Sometimes a lot.  I guess I always will.   He and my late gram, too, the one named Elizabeth but she went by Betty.)   M, Dougie, and Gram, are my three favorite people in thee entire world, the ones I've been closest with.   Oh, if things worked out right, I'd even marry BJ, I know that without a doubt, and I've known him IRL since summer 2004, but, those three are my favorite long-term ones so far:) )
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?  Bolivia. (added here only:  I went there for 2 weeks with my church on a mission trip)
A wrote me back, "Are you serious?" and I responded: 
Yeah!  :)
I was a missionary with my church.   Only for 2 weeks, but it did alter my perspective on life and what's important, etc.   Sometimes I need to pause and remember that:)
Beautiful country, colorful people.   As poor as the dirt floors they'd sweep and sprinkle w/ water before meetings / services, in their paneless windowed churches.   And musical.   A lot of music:)
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT?  I can multitask really well:)   If I wish to, I can actually write decently, and I have a clue about dancing.   I like arts and crafts and sometimes do okay with colors.
50. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN?  Georgetown, Washington, D.C.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I wonder....... (BJ)

BJ is coming into town Sunday night, late.   Not until after the big ceili, so he can't join me there, but, at the same time, I won't miss it.   I'd have loved him to come, but hey:)

Today when I wrote him, I included that I wonder how he is.  I wonder how his kids are.  I wonder his itinerary.   I wonder how his face will feel again on mine as it's been so damn long.....

He doesn't have to be in town until Monday -- his meeting starts at noon then.   He confirmed with me my availability, then said he'd go talk w/ his secretary to make the reservations to come in Sunday night:)   Yes, I'm going in to work late that day.....  He'll have his kids before that (they were w/ his STBX on Mother's Day, of course, and a lot of last weekend).  Heck, even BJ sent me a nice Mother's Day note, from his cell phone, lol, but to my e-mail I didn't read until Monday, not my cell phone which I had on me.  That's alright:)

So, I wonder about him, about us, not so much longterm future right now, but about this visit.   His last visit was all the way back in December, and he took M and I to dinner.  M adores BJ, wants me to marry BJ, wants BJ to be her stepfather........   he likes her, too, or is very patient with her at least.   She likes the male attention, and from someone she sees as being good.   She tends to have good insight as to a guys character, at least, guys I'd consider dating, lol.  I wonder if she'll have as good of insight into guys SHE looks at for dating:)   BJ's likely not available also on Monday night, as he typically has to hang w/ officemates, but I wonder, and just when he flies back.   M would like to see him, too, and we could consider GS or not, too (also Monday).

I'd be happy to just hang with him..... I don't care where.  I think, oh, this great coffee shop in [local town], a bit Brazilian, and NOT a chain.   And yet thee best bagels are at the other place, or does he get breakfast there and just put me on that tab?   What about a nice hike that a.m., C&O Canal, take Daisy with us.   Or, well, we might be "busy," too:)   He's too respectful to just jump into physical stuff.   When we met up last Spring in B'more near BWI, we had a very respectful lunch and stuff, almost 2 hours, we both later mentioned how we were sotempted to just go into the back seat....  lol. :)

I wonder some if I'll still feel as if I love him.   Ah, heck, I don't wonder; I do.  I likely always will.   I suppose I wonder in what form, not so much now, but longer....  He lives over 800 miles away....... but, "like water."  That's our "theme" way of handling ourselves with each other, let it flow, the relationship just flow, "like water."   Sometimes I'm better at it than BJ is, sometimes BJ is better at that than I am.   He did kiss me with such great earnest in December, even in front of M!, and gave me the claddagh earrings (love, loyalty, friendship = what that stands for).   I didn't wear them when I went on a blind date, of course:) but I mostly wear them..... or ones from M, along w/ the Mother's Day necklace from M.

I wonder how we'll feel like with each other again.   Oh, and yeah, almost forgot.  I"m greyer, and wider in my hips now.   I'm smiling, though, thinking of just talking with BJ, in person, holding hands or kissing his earlobes.   I don't really care right now if my hips are wider or not, lol.   I wonder but don';t think we'll feel awkward.  December wow.  For a while, BJ was in town almost every/other week.   His company has gone through a ton of changes.   But, ha, he's now visiting in the town that borders mine, it's almost all one "town."   I'm really looking forward to just seeing him again, laughing in person, or whatever:)

Tomorrow?   M and I will join in recognizing the seniors from our church in a banquet -- and I'm one of the ones in their "roast" aka a film impersonating them which should be hysterical.   Thursday?   M and I will go to a show where music is danced to, plus interpreted via sign language, a very visual art, really.  Much of her class will go.  I'm happy we can share in that, this last time before Mrs. O goes to AUSTRALIA!!! next year.   Mrs. O and I took ASL classes together BEFORE M was even conceived, and now has taught M off and on for 4 years.........   and I'll have a great ceili Sunday.  But:)   Guess I don't REALLY wonder too much about Sunday night -- just some details.  BJ and I will both be happy.   We even promised each other that, lol, so to speak.


Callie Died

Subject is: Callie Died

AND a horse died, falling almost on her,

She saw it die?  how horrible.  What happened?

M goes to the barn every day after school as her daycare.  Helps out, rides as often as she's allowed to (my mother pays for 1 lesson a week, but M trains, etc., and gets to ride often).   She "sets feed" and feeds, including medicines, etc.; she knows these horses.   One mare (female horse), Callie, was 28 years old.   She'd been having allergy problems and trouble breathing -- pollen counts are tremendously high lately and I think that didn't help her.   She hadn't been ridden in a long while, either.   Medicines increased to daily from 3x/week, etc.   M, plus 3 other girls her age or younger, were talking w/ Callie in the field.   Callie had cantered to try to join the other horses being let out into the fields (from their stalls and being fed, after riding lessons).   She never canters, usually trots.  The others were trotting but she couldn't keep up.   The girls were calming Callie down, it's okay, take your time, etc.  At least, in their minds.   I reminded M that this meant Callie wasn't alone, she felt cared for.  

Her eyes did something so weird M couldn't describe it.   Her breathing was bad.   Callie stumbled, caught herself.  How M was more detailed but I'm not recalling the details them clearly.   Somehow, Callie stumbled again and her legs were crossed but she stayed upright.   Her eyes rolled back into her head, and she collapsed to her left, where M was (the three other girls to Callie's right).   They called for assistance, lots of talk about where was what, got a thermometer, etc.   I'm not clear if Callie died immediately or took a few moments, tho I suspect it was quick but not completely immediately.    The girls surmise it was a heart attack.  I don't know what it was.  Sounds plausible to being a heart attack.

I tried to let M know that at least Callie was in a place where she was well cared for, even if she couldn't be ridden, etc., that she's in peace now, no breathing problems, God is watching over her, she didn't die alone, etc.....   UGH.   I'm trying not to cry thinking about it myself.

Oh no, Robin! Poor M! She must have felt awful! It's one thing to find a horse dead, but to see it die, ugh! I'm sorry!


Yeah, I know.......   It IS part of life, it IS part of learning and maturing.  It still SUCKS. - me

It really does. She'll always remember it, but I think since she was in a comfortable environment with people who care for her, it won't be a traumatic event for her, just a memorable and sort of scary one. Eventually the scary part will fade because it sounds like it was handled well. I'm still sorry she had to go through it.

Yes.  But you're right -- it was w/ caring people, who cared about the horse AND the girls.   I never even mentioned autopsy to her --
I hate to think what that involves myself and I'm not positive they'll run one.   There is a horse disease going around, but Callie's symptons were NOT like those at all.

M wasn't going to ride today. She goes w/ C. HE is working. His g/f, Sh is picking up M, along w/ Si. Si has gymnastics so Sh has M go up to the barn to wait for them. What if I didn't have daycare arrangements?  Whatever, cuz I do. (Tho last year, it was actual daycare, and I SHOULD have arranged for paying only for days she'd go with me, but, shrug, that was too tricky for me to bother with.)   But, M COULD ride (train) Corey every Tuesday and Thursday. It's just 3:30-4pm. If Sh says, NO, but Sh doesn't arrive until say 3:45/4pm, then why NOT let M ride /train? I don't get it, but, hey, C has the right to get M at 3:30. (I agreed that right after school / during carpool which is 3:15-3:30 is fine, but CO says "after school at 3:30" for Tuesdays, and "after school" (so guess 3:15) on the Fridays, interestingly enough.   Anyway, so whatever he says (or his designee, which is Sh who he sends).

But, today, M was also still feeling in pain. A decorative horse fell on M last night -- she was walking by a bookcase, I think holding Tinker, maybe another cat, and knocked the bookcase. Bam, ouch. Her toe bled but didn't seem swollen.

M also has grown a lot taller, at least 3 inches taller this past year, once growing 1 inch in 1 week! I'd made dinner, yes, MADE dinner:) (Trader Joe's cod sticks yum, the best fishsticks ever, boiled down/spiced squash, and corn on the cob yum, plus milk for M.) Anyway, always growing, had snack before dinner even, yet still hungry, M looked into the frig, "there's nothing to eat." Which is ridiculous as at the moment; we're overstocked! BAM, hit her head on the freezer door above, somehow.

M hit her head on the top of the open doorframe of the truck just the other day. I couldn't think why, until I realized she's grown and just isn't fully used to her new height/spatially, yet.
Anyway, poor kid last night was also allergy-driven, as was I, and tired, as was I. AND, Callie had died, practically ON her.  
At first, I was like, okay, I hear you, are you okay, do you need ice or anything, stop whining, calm down. Stop whining, sigh. I have so little patience for whining.  But, I had to stop a moment. This was legitimate last night. "You've had a bad day...." which is some famous song right now. "You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost."  Or, as she kept complaining, "I don't like Mondays,;I don't like Mondays...." I thought of the song, "I don't like Mondays, I'm going to shoooooot the whole day down...." M wanted me to stay in her bed with her. We talked even more about Callie, after Sponge Bob band-aided her bleeding toe. I just hugged her while she cried.

I know she worked on the Africa project today (brought in her computer research even). I dropped off hard shoes in case for tonight -- being taught "Thunder" and,
auditions for the performance group that got canceled last Saturday, Maureen says she'll hold private ones, "maybe tonight." GROAN. Of all nights..... I told Maureen that M was sick and likely couldn't show. DAG. But, just in case C egads lets her... (yeah right... but).   Told M it'd be for Columbia b/c no more Gburg and etc. Dropped off riding pants (for tomorrow, OR if allowed to stay long enough today, but M says she doubts it. Didn't get to reask about her toe, either.)  

AND, dropped off $7. for her field trip tomorrow. Yes, she goes w/ C tonight. Yes, C was asked to chaperone. He had to work, but Sh was to go. Except, the time of the trip had to be changed, and now Sh can't go. Didn't wish to butt in, but told M that if they can't find someone, to let me know. She smiled, "But, Mom, we wanted someone with a large van, who can hold 5 people." Oh, right. "We originally asked Dad b/c of his Caravan...." Well, at least she felt she could ask him, and also knew I'd help out if I could.  C owns his own business, he couldn't have taken off work w/ that amount of advance notice? Or, Sh can't go now b/c she has to pickup Si from Si's school. Um, C can't do that (pick up Si), just once, for Si and for M's sake? Apparently not, maybe he can't get off tomorrow. Anyway, so I asked M who was going to watch Si while Sh chaperoned, not that it was my business, but M and I were discussing logistics and I was thinking, same person could p/up Si from school, Sh could still bond w/ M and chaperone.   Amazingly, Sh planned to BRING Si along on M's school fieldtrip, of 10 students. The girl's adorable, but the school (and I) believe that that's not the time/place for sibling tagalongs. Whatever.

C (and Sh) tend to refuse to pay for M, even on those couple times C (or Sh) has chaperoned.  (And, yes, C brought along Sh AND Si on a trip, and the teacher was not happy about that after.)   M will even be waking up THERE tomorrow, they SHOULD pay. M and I remembered to send the permission slip I'd signed. She forgot to ask me for money, but I'm concerned, she'd maybe feel she couldn't ask C for it. It's $5. (I sent $7. in case, they weren't well organized about this one). I almost called the other chaperone, to relay that I'd pay him back if M didn't show up with $5.   But, the teacher may ask the students in advance of meeting w/ the chaperone, and M would feel stuck, maybe kicked out and she really wants to go on this one (C&O Canal Boat Rides, right up my "alley" actually, I'd love it, too).  I told M I'd stick money into her cell phone case (told her "the PINK case, with your "inhaler" in it) as cell phone abuser girl was nearby and would probably tattle. M was real pleased, "Oh, yeah!" She'd forgotten, harder to plan money today for tomorrow after such a night last night. Shaking my head to think C won't just pay it, but he likely won't.

Anyway, was a rough night for M yesterday. At least she got a good ride in first, before the Callie bit :(   
and in the afternoon, had gone to Adventure Playground. (Their other event was canceled -- an inspiring wheelchair golfer who does golf tricks needed dry grass. It's been pouring.)

Our weekend was good, though I wish Maureen had gone ahead w/ auditions Saturday -- M was pumped for them, AND we nixed going to NYC/Ellis Island w/ Grandma b/c of them. AND both of us allergy-ridden, tho I more sick, slept half of Friday, and she brought me breakfast:) M is a good kid. We did have time together those 3 days, and w/ Grandma on Sunday, and etc., plus I let M have a playdate Sat. C often does NOT.  M's playdate was originally a sleepover, too, but that got changed.   M, a brother and a sister, and the host girl, playdate. They had fun:) And this boy, well, he's friends w/ them all. As is another boy. It's almost like they are brothers for M, even share in e-mails.  I'm glad she has those experiences which I think can only aid her in life ultimately.