Tuesday, May 23, 2006

orange swirl

I've tried to think lately just how to describe what it's like to have ADD.  I have a few concepts I like:)   Swirling thoughts.   Sometimes, swirling by and around, it's as if I feel like I'm drowning.  That's not such a good thing when it's that bad.   Swirling as if one could just reach out and pluck a random idea in her hand, something minor or major and it's as if they're equally important and as likely to be mulled over or half-forgotten, and not grabbed.   That's a problem -- how to differentiate and recall what's important, even while sure, notice the rest, but not to the distraction of what's needed.  

Sometimes, it's not exactly swirls.   Then again, often thoughts do have some relation to each other, just skipping along rapidly instead of stopping and slowly going forward from a to b to c to d........ on to, say, r.   Sometimes, one can go from a to b, see b as practically the same as d (and, it is), and flip on to, say, v, b/c there is some connection between d and v in my head that's personal so I won't relay it here.  Or something blows outside the window, and I remember, oh, w.   It's been fun the couple of times when my boss and I both jump immediately from, say, b to d to w, and we don't have to stop and explain how, or apologize.   He might not get v as readily, but he'd not find it odd if I said, oh, d reminded me of v -- can we go to that now?  

I also think of chaos, the concept of the ADD/ADHD mind as beautiful as the Chaos Theory is.   Have you ever seen photos of that?   I almost took up a college physics course after the book, and movie, but more the book, Jurassic Park.  Okay, it helped that I was seriously dating a physicist, and his housebuddies and friends were mostly physicists, too.   He and I shared that book, and he could explain some of it to me.   The photos are beautiful.  Chaos isn't actually as out of order as one would think, either.  There are patterns to it.   Within the chaos, there are patterns, and there is beauty:)

But, I think orange swirls more than caramel somehow, orange sherbert swirls in vanilla ice cream:)   One might have to go around and through and get scattered about, but there is some connection and some jumps to ones thoughts.

I do realize how utterly difficult it may be to read most of my journal entries.   I'm sorry about that.  What I do, typically, is just type right out of my head, thoughts as fast as my fingers can type them.   However they come out.   I do this in part to help show how my mind functions, for myself and anyone else reading.    When I'm thinking more clearly, or focused on one topic, it's easier.   When I'm just spilling out my thoughts, yikes.   It's a snapshot in time of my brain in motion.   I find it easier to read something orderly.   I'm sorry if others need that and can't handle this.   I understand:)   No worries.   Sometimes it helps me to just vent on here, too.  

I swear I'm ordering orange-swirl ice cream next time I see it offered, though:)   Or caramel.....

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