Not sure how to get this daggone double line to go away......My family lost my Uncle Billy, William Douglas, while he was a teenager, POW in the Korean "Conflict" is how he died, enlisted at 17 (shh) and died as a teenager. I hope he had a girlfriend sometime in his life, yanno, and I know he got a chance to drink tho, if he'd wanted to. Well, pre-18, he wasn't "allowed" to sign up to die, or be drafted, but he snuck in, so he could pay the foster care payments for my mother and their younger sister, so they wouldn't be adopted out. Seriously. My mom can barely talk about him sometimes; it hurts so much that he died over there. I can only guess that his somehow getting enlisted underage might have something to do with how he's now listed, with an extra S on his official name, at the Korean War Memorial info in D.C., and I don't know how it's listed in The Punch Bowl. The Army had him listed as Douglass, but I found out info so that my mother could try to get that corrected officially. He SHOULD be able to still have a cross planted in Arlington Cemetery, even w/out his remains that remain in Korea for all we know. The crossing of the guard or whatever it's called, for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, it is for all of them, Billy, too, just a KID for crying out loud.Billy bought my mother her first (only?) bicycle, too:) That was a big deal.God had some reason for him, for that, I suppose. I don't know WHAT, but had to be something. It did get him out of Maine. He was my guardian angel for a while, until my (paternal) Grandmother Betty died, I know that. And, I know Grandma is there for me now. My maternal grandmother, Alice, died when my mother was 9 years old, aftera long illness, kidney trouble....... (used to play piano at the silent movies "in town.") My other maternal uncle, Duncan, was a carrier and his children inherited that. This uncle Duncan died at age 45 from a heart attack while shoveling snow. Somehow I didn't really "feel" that until recently, me turning 45 in November. (Five children in their family, one boy, Edward, died in infancy, one elder sister we call Lucille but that's her middle name, the older brother, Duncan, and my mother and her younger sister, Vesta. Yeah, get a load of those names, lol.) Sometimes the youngest two girls would live with my Great Aunt Anais. Ultimately, the family was reunited, my paternal grandfather regaining custody of the youngest girls (the others on their own), and somewhere in there, he got remarried. My mom had at least one stepbrother, too, whom I think I met once. I did know my stepgrandmother. My mom wants to show M that house when we visit Maine this summer. I remember it well, and it's just one more reason I love a home with a nice porch:) That one went all around two sides of the house.I also loved playing at the farmhouse of my Great Aunt Anais' and her husband:) I should ask my mother if she was her mother's sister, or her father's. I'm sure I knew once upon a time. Alice and Anais could have gone together as sibling names, so maybe that's it. My cousin Dougie and I would race around, climb the windmills and play in the barn, ride the tractor (w/ adult drivers), and it was especially fun to torment our younger siblings, lol. Dougie would have turned 45 this summer. He and my paternal grandmother meant the world to me, only M means more, and rightfully so that she should. I think I still have the green mittens Anais knit for me once Christmas.One of our cats, one green eye and one blue!, was born on a Memorial Day weekend, so we named him Billy. Sometimes M jokes and calls him Billy Bob, but, he's not really. Not sure what Billy would think of his namesake, but baring my ever giving birth to a boy, hey, life goes on:)Dag, need to pick up his photos.......
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
This is the third day since I've talked on the phone with M. The minimum is every 3 days, and there really is no reason for there not to be more contact if desired.
Anyway, distracted b/c I'm IM'g with an online friend:) and chatting with a girlfriend on the phone...... so they are helping:)
But, this would be the third time this summer, waiting until 4 days, instead of 3
having friends helps. but it hurts to anticipate talking with M, I waited to cal lher until I was potentiallylooking at an item I wanted her opinion on
Well, I do hope she is having fun. And she did get online her own e-mail last night! yeah:)
And she should have gotten my package yesterday.
But, to just chat for a few minutes, that's not wrong, that's not bad, heavens, I'm her mother. And it's always a short call, too, really, under 15 minutes, sometimes a lot under (the last two times she was told when to get off, too, or the last one and two times before). Whatever. As Sharon writes, why can't they call, or I call, or he call, any reasonable time?
"They" meaning the children, tho in my case, it's "just"one child. I don't know why he does this, tho I guess it's for control.
Have a good evening, all:) I would like to hear from her. In time:) Thinking of paths in life, and all of that.
growing, learning.......... at least have myself be who I can. Okay, I'm rambling now, but my off-journal conversation makes THIS sentence make sense:) I just wish I could chat w/ herin a non-controlled fashion. She could call and write, not HAVE to, mind, but when she wanted to. I encourage her when she's home, to contact him, or whomever in his family, when she's here. Time goes on. But why has there been no contact yet AGAIN. UGH.
okay 1 2 five seven finishing up
Friday, July 28, 2006
Yes, I've missed M all along, but gosh it's hitting me more this week :( Tuesday was 3 days after the last telephone contact, and it's court ordered a minimum of every 3 days for telephone contact, but no, nothing. Of course I called her, even left a polite reminder in my message, but no. She wasn't even out. Well, only some but probably back by 6:30/7 latest, I have to check the time for those classes. Tuesday was my roughest day physically and emotionally with my medical stuff, too, and knowing I'd be talking w/ M was something I really looked forward to. Yes, we did talk Wednesday, which is good:) but still. (She hadn't gotten my messages, either, nor had she gotten the one that my mother left for her, and it took a day for M to call her back, too, but 1 day is reasonable, typically, tho not like she was busy with anything else, as Si's gymnastics class is earlier in the day, yes, that girl has gymnastics twice/week, plus camp every week, different ones, and occasional drop-in dance classes, tho that meant that M could take one, also. That they keep the phone turned off is weird, though, I think.)
Right now, I know she's leaving tennis, just finishing up her 2 weeks of 1 hour/day "camp" following Si's 45 minutes/day tennis "camp." I'm HOPING she can make it to Md's end of drama camp production early this afternoon, as M really wanted to, plus for them to see each other again will be fun:) Md had e-mailed M with the more detailed info, and I sent that on to C, but I also called Md yesterday to give her C's #. Md was glad for that, so that's good even if the girls can just chat some.
I FINALLY got the package sent to M, lol, for me to prepare and mail a package is a huge deal. But, away 3 weeks, yes, she's getting mail from me. She asked for the book, so it's a "package" and not just a card. I have to be so generic, loving, but not go saying all sorts of mushy or things she'd miss stuff, personal sure, supportive, sure. I included two sets of stickers, some lead pencils (she loves that style), a summer clearance catalog of horse stuff, lol, that she has a gift certificate for since Christmas (her big gift from me). Oh, and a card:) It's so hard sometimes to go this long, I'd like to send more:).
And then have him want to keep all communication cut off, he truly believes it's inappropriate when it's on "his" time. Huh? He's learning that's not what the courts think, so he sometimes talks a good talk, but he's said that quite a few times, yelled it even.
Daisy went searching for M this a.m., trying a game we used to play with Daisy, "Go find M" and then she'd sniff and search, oftentimes M would be at the neighbors upstairs, and that's where Daisy tried to go. I do wish M was coming home this weekend instead of next. It was intended to be 2 weeks, truly it was, just got worded wrong. I try not to think about it. Try to keep busy -- and yesterday at work was wonderfully very busy and productive again! :) I like my boss being back, and all of that. I try not to feel stymied as if I'm holding my breathe until she returns, try to do things. And, work takes time, and I'm spending extra time at work, to take extra time off when she's home:) and my father time, and etc. Heck, I'd love to visit with BJ next week for his bday, that'd be great, but maybe next year for that. He'll be home w/ his kids and then on travel.
But, I still really miss her. :(
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Walking Daisy and Indie-boy this a.m., we passed a lovely townhouse across from "the" park, that'd been vacant and for sale gosh, a few weeks now. A new sign was added,
GORGEOUS INSIDE." :) I wanted to add, "Me, too, and you, too!" lol
What about for us humans? Do we feel gorgeous inside? And I don't mean just for my neighbor who is almost 2 months pregnant now yeah, congrats to her and her husband and their 4-year old. How do we feel, physically, mentally, spiritually? How are we perceived, inside?
I know, physically, I've been feeling fairly awful this past week. A lot of PMS symptons not like my typical ones, pain and sensitivity in other places even (no I won't get into details on HERE publically), and different pains now. Is this worse because I've been out in the heat some, potentially got dehydrated, too? "Just" because I'm getting older? I knew my body started shifting sometime during the year I was 42. Shifted outwards. I can't fit my clothes anymore that I could wear for years and years. I still need some new things. And, then, this past week, even my current clothes some didn't fit bleah. Maybe it's the added salts to compensate for the sweating, or in some of the prepared foods and nuts I'm eating more of w/ M away? Who knows, but it all SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. Well, some small things are fine:) but mostly, it SUCKS.
And, aren't zits supposed to be less of a problem by the time one hits this peri-menopausal crap?
At least, this time of month, I can like chocolate, dark chocolate. The only time I have ever liked chocolate is some of the time when I was pregnant (I really liked peppermint patties, helped w/ the nausea, too), and when PMS'g. A couple scoops of Nutella last night, okay, it's cocoa but I felt it'd help (plus a healthy dinner, really, I MADE myself eat, and oj w/ calcium.) Some ice cream this a.m.:) just b/c, well, what the heck, lol, plus lentil pilaf. Give me some protein / complex carbs to start the day so I don't go flying and then crashing. No, don't worry, I always eat weirdly. Just don't ever usually have ice cream around, and I've been eating SO SO healthy lately, a little ice cream sounded too good:) Besides, Miss Liberty wanted to lie down on top of my lap, so it was hard to get back up to get something else, right?! :)
Cats don't typically see themselves in mirrors, know what they themselves look like. They just know who they ARE. :) Gorgeous inside, they are, and outside, tho not sure they always feel that way, at least about themselves/inside. I doubt they care what they look like outside.
Adding: Just had lunch with a raspberry iced tea and the world feels better now, a touch of sweet with my caffeine:) (Not completely, but improved.) Read the last chapter, give or take, of "Eleven Minutes" while at Borders. I picked up M's sequel to City of Ember whose name escapes me right now, and the free sample of Tom Petty's single, Saving Grace. Eleven Minutes is actually an interesting story, or so it seems from the jacket and the bit I read. The main character is a young woman who becomes a prostitute, a bit of her story as to how and why, I think, and then finding a man she loves who loves her. It's scary for her, b/c it's not just sex now, but that sacred sex. Sacred sex involves her soul, too. The gorgeous part of her, inside:)
Monday, July 24, 2006
I was thinking back this morning, 12 years ago this month, I took a morning shower with labor pains, somehow! Now that bathtub is leaking into the ceiling above the refrigerator. (This is at my dad's -- he lives close to the hospital I was using so I moved there for a bit while our condo was being built, then when M and I left the hospital, C drove us to my mothers/Bob's to live for 4 months until yeah, our condo was finished and ready for moving into).
My "baby" has grown so much:) Remember her pressing on my sciatic nerve, moving about after lunch during staff meetings, lol. Pregnancy didn't do so well for me, oh sometimes it was neat to feel her growing inside of me, but physically it was uncomfortable and sometimes painful. And so worth it. So little, bathing her in the tub. Her first hair a light red in the sun.:)
Now she's excited for the new stepdance routines to learn, with her own drumsticks!, and tackling ideas and concepts........ She's done well:)
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Hey, so I learned one of their names! But the two other guy musicians last night I don't think were the ones there on Thursday. Anyway, nice Irish music again -- and the waltz tune was great. I love waltzing and a woman who drove 4 hours from Virginia Beach to attend, didn't wish to sit it out. Heck, I don't care, it was a "for the love of the dance" type of thing. Just glas she led, b/c I can dance that quickly and as complicated as she was leading the waltz, but I can't lead it that well. I would waltz with M for hours a night sometimes, when she was a wee baby, and then a toddler, and sometimes when older. Last time M joined me at a ceili and agreed to waltz with me, lol, she was trying to lead:) She is getting older.........
Also met a woman, and her date, both of whom I'd seen before. Ends up, this woman, same name as M, dances with Footworks with Ma.
Thee best part, though, was M calling me:) Finally, right as the Connemarra ended and a break was starting up. I'd called her earlier. Guess she'd just woken up. She'd been to Wolftrap with Si and Sh, and Sh's dad, and C joined them (he'd not been with them overnight Friday, but worked on setting up shelves in M's room there for her birthday.) I'm glad she got something birthday wise now:) Anything, I don't care, plus I guess a couple books. She's almost finished The Borrowers, oh I may have to re-read it myself! and will start Lilie's Crossing and something she got there that escapes me. She finished City of Ember! and asked me for the sequel. Ha, I'd planned to get it and mail it, anyway, so now I'm glad she asked for it, AND liked it so much. And etc., etc....... she's excited to get to her performance dance camp, and has drumsticks already for it! All new dances, Mom. So, good. Tennis camp continues next week. I thought Si's did, but I couldn't find M's online. I laugh at her nickname as part of her team, lol:) She'd e-mailed me horse profiles from ones she wants to buy ha, tho hasn't been able to get her own e-mail yet. Etc. etc. It's just so nice to stay in touch with her:) and I'm glad when she's having a good time. Hard to tell as she was sounding out of it / tired, but presumably it was fun.
I did start off with North Kerry set with E, just warming myself up with that one, but it was still quite nice:) Ended with Clare Lancers as always, and that guy is a good dancer, not a "wow I must dance with him again" type, but very good nevertheless.
Interestingly, SO was there w/o his girlfriend I'll call CC. Apparently she hasn't shown up in a long time now. One lady asked me if he and I were back together, cuz we happened to arrive at about the same time. "Ahh, can't you find someone local?" lol, when I mentioned BJ, who she remembers meeting a couple times. Too funny. Yeah, local would help instead of 800 miles away. It almost makes it easier to mention BJ, cuz some of them have met him, and then they don't fret so about me, even when we were in our "in touch" days but not quite dating phase. SO did ask me to dance with him for the Ballyvourney Jig Set. A great, fun dance, and what the heck. It felt really comfortable dancing with him again, even that fast, I'm pleased; it was fun. I forgot there was a chain at the end, lol, but hey, so did half my set:) I'm really glad he asked me. I was the one trying to push for friendship after we'd broken up, but he couldn't handle a whole dance with me, or workshop, he said that, it was too difficult. Then CC started joining in (formerly the wife of one of his best friends see, SO and CC had grown emotionally very close, apparently why he and I stopped dating, but she's cool and what the heck, I e-mailed her to let her know no hard feelings). But, she was still uncomfortable with him dancing with anyone else, so he didn't. She used to tell him she was jealous of me and didn't understand why as they were only friends. Life goes on. And it got me feeling all weird again if we'd be at the same places / dances. But, admittedly, when she's not been around, he's been real friendly. Anyway, I feel like this re-cracks the ice yet again:) It's good to know that he can be a dance partner again; I like that:) We do well. On a side note, I took BJ to a mini-ceili at J. Patrick's in B'more one afternoon about 1 1/2 years ago? I forget exactly, but oh my, SO and CC were there, along with E and others, and did SO and CC fawn all over BJ. I was cracking up. E told me it's b/c it helps them see I've moved on. Yeah, well, sure, but it's still funny.
Okay. So I went back to sleep this a.m. after walking Daisy and feeding the cats, et al. Until a wrong # called. Spent hours at my father's. We re-went over thee same mail and bills as last time, but this time, I had him write out the checks (even if I had to doctor one, and switch one enveloped from a torn / taped up one). I got them in the mail. Cleaned, and, are you sitting down? he got together one bag of trash, also. I guess I'm getting better:) Plus, the trash comes on Tuesday, and I told him I'd take it down to "the curb" today. He did this while I went to the grocery store for him and for me, telling him I'd like him to do this. That it's important to know that he can take care of himself here. (We've talked of this before but not sure it's sunk in super well before, that and I was obviously picking up some things there myself for a bit.) He did thank me a couple times. Decided that he DOES wish to go to the book store later this week after all.......... (used book store which he loves and I like). Sometime, we'll work on getting him to take some there to SELL, too:) And, um, me, too.
So many hours at and with my dad. I don't know what he'd do if I moved, or became physically incapable. Guess I'd have to get him set up better. For now, one day at a time. I made sure to comment on how well his attempt was, how much better that area loooked:) I cleaned a LOT of the kitchen. Three BIG trashbags later, and a lot of cans / bottles in the recycling. It helps.
I don't want tomorrow to start yet. I want another day to just do what I have to do, or want to do. I have laundry, mine which incudes M's, and Dad's. I'd forgotten to take his last time, I was so frazzled about the overflowing toilet. I have more "todo" things of my own. It was good to dance; I needed to dance and be social! (no more "safe sex" feelings, but heck, I was dancing! and seeing friends! and listening to live goodmusic! and shall I say it again, dancing! lol). :) And slept. Etc. I'm glad to see my boss return; I like working with him, and the office should perk up again, or at least my section of it. But, I'm not ready YET.
Boy, is this a disjointed entry. LOL. Thee best news is likely that my cousin got engaged:) FINALLY, lol. Patience is thee word for the weekend, and for them, or mostly, for HER. I'm really happy for him and them. He's a great kid, um, in his early 30's now, but I still think of him as a kid. 100% no question theee youngest of all of the cousins, some who have grandchildren even. (I was told last night I didn't look old enough to have a 12-year old, huh? I'm 44.5 years old, I'm not old enough? lol right, classmates of mine have been grandparents.) I didn't know until this a.m., but I think M will be happy to hear it, too.
And, I did get to see a former really good friend of mine on Friday night -- yes dancing again and I didn't care a ton for it. Contra dancing. Some of it I think could be fun, but some seems weird to me. Mostly, I was way too overheated and hot, and got a bit dizzy for one dance when there was no chance to do an "opposite spin." Oh well. I'd promised a friend I'd join her sometime there, and it happened to be Friday. But, nice to see my friend, the musician / pianist again:) He's an EXCELLENT musician, I referenced him in an earlier entry b/c I knew I was going to see / hear him.
Yawn. My legs don't feel it, so guess I'm okay w/ a lot of dancing. But, I'm TIRED:)
It's quiet. I could be at a training thing w/ that financial group, but eh. I don't know if I'm going to pursue that, am going to research the company more, so why take the time?
Happy week, all.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Trying out different colors:) Thought it'd do a different font, too, oh well. I don't recall the names of the other musicians who played last night at a mini-ceili, only Tina's. One guy is new to me, also. Hot, sweaty in my "strawberry" shirt, drank a lot of water and a full bottle of orange Gatorade I think all got drenched out through my pores........ but, that's okay:)
Busy doing some things, including giving Daisy and the cats plenty of attention, even fed myself something quick, then drove right by the place last night. I get there strictly from visual memory; I can't even tell you what main road it's on by name. I turned around in a church parking lot, heading out all clear both directions, glanced at a sign as I passed it "this is not an exit stop" and I was thinking, what's an "exit stop?" realizing too late that without the punctuation, it meant "This is not an exit!! STOP!" Oh, well:) Maybe they should have written, "STOP this is not an exit" if going w/out punctuation. I may have caught on then.
Okay, only just over 1/2 hour late with the turning around. They appeared to be part-way through Lancer's or a similar set dance, three full sets worth that at one moment in time, all three were doing something different from each other, lol. I talked some niceties with P's wife who was busy grading summer class papers, listened to the music, checked out the snack table taking just one sliver of a ginger cookie.
A couple people seemed new to me. One new guy in particular appeared to have little sense of rhythm and beat, but was having a blast of a good time, with a big smile on his face, really trying hard. Got to give him credit:) Sometimes, it's really not the skill in the dancer; it's supposed to be FUN. Then half-time break time for all, where I found out he's on vacation here with his sister, tho he'll look for a similar group back home in Connecticut........
Ah, but some four-guillitine??? dance with E, and later, the mazurka with P. E and P are my two ultimate favorite dance partners:) Both are excellent dancers, along with many others who are part of this more advanced group. I know E well, used to have a massive crush on him even, ha, BJ knows that even and they've met and E even asks me about BJ. But, he is a good, dear friend. His voice was starting to go, he rubbed his head a couple times, and seemed not as sharp as usual. I know him well and wonder if he's coming down with something. Ah, but to dance with him -- he makes me a good dancer and it's always fun and always smooth and once I'm warmed up and can just relax and move with him, it is real good. I would dance with him any day, any dance:)
An experienced woman dancer in my group once commented that E is her least favorite dancer, b/c his style just does not work for her and she explained it. They are good friends, just she can't quite get his way of dancing. I found that interesting, especially as she then explained what style she most likes, which happens to be like her husbands. At least they are a good match, then:) Her husband's style is really not quite mine. And, gosh, I love how E waltzes, too, so apparently, our styles must be similar.
And then P, lol, I didn't even say hi first when they started getting into sets for the Clare Mazurka. Tis okay:) We did chat a bit of hellos and other things, tho he is a quiet type, which balances his normally chatterbox wife. He really dances, can dance fast (swings and doubles), (okay, so can E) and hard yet smooth and we communicate completely and well together without hardly saying a verbal word. I was warmed up by then, and with P, I can just flow with him while we dance. It's not sexual, it's not that we're hitting on each other, we are touching as appropriate, it's like safe sex really sometimes. Okay, without the orgasm, but the endorphins are there, there is that high. And we both knew it was great and we smiled our thank you's, twice, and that's cool. Sure, it helps that there is really nice and lovely music playing, that we both know that dance, etc., but still.
BJ has come to a class and a J. Patrick's small ceili dancing time with me. He did really well at the class, and he'd not tried this before! He also has a mind that can comprehend figures and patterns fairly well. Both E and P have careers that utilize that type of mind, as do some others, and I can get that myself. I don't try to memorize, though. I like to get the concept, and then just flow with it, feel it, body memory I guess, and being lead by a good partner. Anyway, the important part is having fun, along with being safe, and giving it a good try:) But, when they have the capacity to dance, too? BIG kudos, then!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Actually, I think it was a different song from "the Boss" that I heard this morning, but it was still one of his older / more classic songs. I went to a few of his concerts longer than 15 years ago........ heck, I dressed as him for Halloween one year, lol, but that's another entry ha.
When Amy first asked me what my hopes and goals were, where I saw myself headed, back 15 years ago, I kept thinking, 15 years ago, not 12/13, but 15? See, M was born 12 years ago this month, and of course, conceived approximatley 9 months before that........ So much of my life I view as pre-M, or post-M's birth, with my current home and current office both chosen b/c of her, and decorated with items from her, or photos of her. I had to think about this, the year 1991.....
I was really involved as a youth advisor at my church and back then, I could really spend a lot of my time doing this. This is one area where spending more time, gets more rewards, forges connections with the youth. Some of my friends were other youth advisors, too, late 20's / early 30's. I also played handbells in the bell choir. I'd played piano growing up, tried a couple other things, but never played in a group with others before, so that was enjoyable. We went on a mission trip to Bolivia even....... and I was dating. I was also a volunteer at a Regional Park near me, that wasn't even a lake and official parkland until the year I graduated high school. (One of my best friends at the time was a fellow youth advisor (for a while), AND helped with the bird walks at that park -- his ear is FANTASTIC the best I've ever known, and he left his very promising physics career (doctor of physics / nuclear science?) to focus full time on music. I'm excited to see him play again tomorrow night, and am happy he's happy. I dated one of his roommates rather seriously, also a physicist, and I had to look up when Jurassic Park came out, b/c we'd read that, and later when it came out (apparently 1993, tho), went to see the movie, I got so interested in the chaos theory that I wanted to take an introductory physics course........ Rebounding from him back to C, and C rebounding from a failed relationship that was serious, also, C and I got back together and wow, now we have M.....)
I also looked after my grandmother sometimes, more so in later years.
For me, I was contemplating where I wanted my life to go. I would have been 29 years old, to be 30 in November. What was God's plan for me? What did I want?
I'd been out of school long enough by then that I wasn't sick of it but ready to learn more again, starting to look at graduate programs. Did I want to transfer to one of our Seattle offices, where I have relatives I really like, and grad programs near there sounded really interesting? Or, stay local?
I don't recall when I first started taking graduate classes, but I did start taking a few at U. Md. to help me clarify just what masters degree program I wished to pursue, taking my third? class the fall of 13 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with M.
Back 15 years ago, though, I was trying to zone in, who did God wish me to date, for I did see myself getting married and having children, in that order. Likely to a good, Christian, man, too. Eh, maybe that'll still happen, just likely without our own biological children being I'm 44 1/2 years old. I don't mind stepchildren:)
Would I teach science? I really love the public outreach parts of my work, relaying the science to "constituents" (which differs from "public" which typically means media). I enjoyed interactions with the youth, primarily middle/junior high school youth as my favorite age range back then. Or, would I stay studying science and "be" an actual scientist? I love hands on exploring and understanding what God made. Or, bone back up on my math and pursue agriculture economics, which did so intrigue me? By the time it was just over 12 years ago, I was thinking maybe a teacher of environmental science....... now, today, I'm thinking, maybe a Montessori teacher instead:) lol if I ever get that chance to go back. The idea of being a science teacher was different from being a scientist which had been more my idea when I obtained my bachelor's degree (in natural resource management). I'd been in the working world a bit by then; I love that there are scientists who go out annually to the same exact spot and study a species, but ya still have to get the funding on the Hill, or wherever.
So, Amy, I did have different ideas back then, but I was also still working them out:)
And, for the record, I'm not upset that they changed. "Working" with M is really thee utmost important thing I can do with my life, really, parenting and guiding and helping her grow. Even if we're not living in Seattle, or having me driving a polo green camaro, or having completed my Master's. It is truly okay:)
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Just as I arrived at the doctor's office parking lot, M called me via Sh's cell phone. (Used to be, Sh should hang up her cell phone if M dared try using it to call me, so this is an improvement, tho allowing M to use her own cell phone as WELL would be best, considering C and Sh call M on it, when they do call.)
Anyway, really nice to hear from her:) M had NOT gotten my phone message I left last night, tho that is court ordered sigh. I figured she wouldn't, so told her I'd said she had some mail (bracelet from Washington Post's Kids Post summer reading book club), and an e-mail from one of her teachers for next year. She was eager for that one:)
M has a daily tennis lesson "camp" for an hour this week, and Si has hers for 45 minutes. M enjoys their new ping pong table more, ha, I always really liked ping pong:) She didn't talk any more about that, though, tennis or the pp table. M used to tell me an adamant NO she did NOT want to borrow a racquet and try tennis at her school's camp where there are courts. I just told her I'm glad she liked trying it out now. I am glad. Also, that she's doing something, anything, for herself, tho it's ironic b/c she's in it b/c of Si, not b/c she ever expressed interest, but whatever.
Right then, they were returning from Si's Irish step dance class. Gee, guess what studio -- yep -- M's studio (the far away one not the local one that's almost mostly closed down). It does make it a lot easier over time, and I'm glad that Si is having fun and things are working out, so there's no conflict with Sh or anything in regards to that dance school / teacher. But, did M get to her (local) makeup class yesterday, or the one this afternoon? No. Was M in the stepdance camp held locally a couple weeks ago? No. Even for M's mandatory performance group camp, when originally scheduled, C demanded that it not take any of HIS time, that he'd switch weeks instead so she could attend. Then it didn't happen, and so we didn't switch weeks, but the regular dance camp did still happen that week and he wouldn't take her. But, Si gets to take it. I don't get C / Sh, it does not make sense.
I did at least send M with riding pants and both pairs of stepdance shoes, and she goes in with a friend and practices dancing in the back room of the studio. That's good:)
Ma is saying that Si should go to a feis coming up thisfall, M kept saying that Ma was saying this. Ma has been nice and all to M, not at all being rude, but it's not M's class, so Ma isn't picking out M to talk with. Ma likely thinks that M is attending this feis, any feis, if M wants to, anyway. Um, no...... M is with her father that weekend, and, gee, for many of the weekends feiseana are happening. M and I talked a bit the feis part, i.e., that she is with C that weekend for that feis, if she's allowed to go, also, that I'd make sure she is registered. (Not that I should have to pay if she's w/ them and they're going, anyway, but, I will look out for M; I can't trust them to look out for her in these regards.)
I just re-wrote C about the performance group camp coming up in 2 weeks. Mom says we can forgo our trip to Maine if this means M can attend the camp (which C may only "allow" M to attend if C and I switch weeks, but that's only doable if Mom, M, and I, don't go to Maine this summer). I asked him first if he'd allow M to attend the camp if she does get registered, after saying that I think it's great Si is having a great time in her stepdance camp:) And, it IS great. We'll see how he responds (or not). Then when Mom or I can talk w/ M, we can see her preference, and then approach C about switching weeks.
I may have to mention to Ma, too, about specifically saying to Sh that M should attend that feis, also.
It's just frustrating that they treat M one way, and Si another, so obviously different.
Heck, I don't get why M couldn't have known in advance that she had tennis camp this week, sheesz. It's an hour lesson, ya think I'm going to go and crash it? No. An all-day, or a half-day camp that then held a show for parents, if M wanted me there, I would be there. Like we invite C to things (or Sh or Si) of M's, not that they always come. But, M is 12. Why can't she KNOW in advance? Shaking my head.... whatever.
Oh, we talked of other things, too:) and that's always nice, even if just a couple feet from Sh so not like she could fully talk. I had to cut it off after 15? minutes b/c of the doctor's appointment, but that's okay. Hate to, but. I told her no, I hadn't sent the washing instructions for that shirt she designed for Si, as I had forgotten; she thinks mailing or e-mailing is good, but e-mail to C's e-mail and only bcc her. It's as if she was not wanting Sh to know she was getting online there (not that she has this year), or that she didn't wish them to know her new / current e-mail. Well, that is up to HER, tho if he asked me, I'd tell him (first checking w/ her I suppose).
She's reading The Borrowers. I LOVED that book:) I may need to re-read it myself! Or, maybe it's a series...... it played a life in my imagination for some time at least. She will finish City of Embers in a bit I guess after reading this, but that's okay, just enjoy reading. I was thinking of mailing her the sequel to City of Embers, so now I know to wait on doing that. There is a play locally right now of The Borrowers, and we almost went to see it last Saturday, but I got mixed up as to the location, had hoped it was at Glen Echo, but it's not, and then her friend couldn't go, so we did Montgomery County Humane Society calendar photos of some of our animals, after bathing Daisy, and other productive!! things around the house. (She also hand made beautiful thank you cards that day I still need to address and mail for her; I want to color photocopy first.) I told her that if they go see that play, though, that that's okay, just let me know if she'd still want to see it w/ me / again or not. They wouldn't seek my okay, but I did wish her to know I understood and not feel guilty.
She may visit a new pool tomorrow afternoon...... C is working this week, Sh is his daycare for his two girls. M didn't know what they'd do this weekend, but I'm Court Ordered another telephone contact by Saturday (even if I'll call her again beforehand, and my mother may tomorrow, too).
Update Thursday -- got to talk with Ma/the teacher! She says Si has the same talent M has......... suggested Si wait until the November feis, but did mention something to M and them today about the upcoming feiseana's, so that's great. As long as M wants to do these things, then I'm glad Ma is supportive b/c if it comes from Ma and M, then C doesn't feel it's ME. If any of that makes sense, plus Ma really wants M to come to a few days of camp. She'll tell them that she suggested it to me, and that I'm fine with it and will contact them to try to work something out, yeah:)
Oh, and M's in the Oircheatas!!! For the 8-hand figures and Ma is pretty certain in the 4-hand ones, also. Yeah:) And we talked about fall which I had screwed up in my head which class is which (duh) but I think it'll work out now..... I would prefer M have the balance of competition-type class and the dance company, and Ma agrees that if M wishes to do both, then this is better for her. Some are doing regular class, competition class, AND company oy, no, not for M, not an hour away with her going to Oircheatas classes, also........ but, it'll work out:)
I'm glad to get the feedback from Ma, too. And, yeah, so she's enamored with Si, that's fine. With 8 years difference, I don't THINK it'll feel like competition for M. Just wish that C (and Sh) would allow M to do things that they allow Si to do, yanno? That's all.......
Basically, I was asked have I called the state yet, and about checking into a home health aide. Adding a sign "remember to flush" is a good idea:) and not a question per se, so thanks for that suggestion, MikeV, that is a good one, and for everyone's support.
I have not called the state yet, nor asked about getting a home health aide. Of course, first thing was getting the crisis dealt with, and the constant making sure he's in clean clothes and fed appropriately. Now I'll have to try to be sure his finances are on track. Yeah, me who has to really take care that my OWN are own track (thankfully online payments are more commonplace now!!!). I may go by there to my dad's this afternoon after MY doctor's visit (just a recheck on my scar with the plastic surgeon who fixed it up for me and did a fantastic job). Oops, maybe buy bleach first......... I couldn't sterilize the bathroom when I was by on Monday.
Anyway, I'm trying not to be overwhelmed with ALL of this at once.
I'm realizing quickly again, that my brother likely is NOT going to truly buy into the idea that yeah, he could and should help out, too. His comment to me when I mentioned that my fears were correct, that Dad had lost his passport and therefore had no photo id, "MVA can give him a non-driver's id card." Gee, thanks, D. Yep, I'd taken Dad twice to the DMV (MVA), long lines, too much for him. They'd be worse now. And, well, he still had his passport so I figured he was alright "for now," and then, frankly, I forgot. Dad was okay with this, his bank knows him, where else does he need id for, he has some old credit card as id (gee, great), and I forgot. Plus, I don't know how to obtain one of the state / DMV id's, now, without any OTHER form of id. Wonder what D would say if I asked him to take Dad there:) Oh, he has to work, well, so do I.
I have to do these things in steps, break them down, or I'll feel overwhelmed with the big picture and stymied on what to do NOW. I don't do well with a big picture, give me some details along with it. Unless in a crisis, then I can focus and pick out the details. So, I'm going in steps.
I have talked with a neighbor who works in the mental health field, who got me the link to Alzheimer's Organizatoin or whatever it is (on my list of websites), and I checked that out some, not much in the way of summer classes or support groups local and not during work times, but, it'll help and I'll check it again. She also suggested Meals on Wheels. Yes, I think perhaps Dad would accept that at this point, maybe. I will ask him again. Years ago, he wouldn't. I also need to be sure he'd be, um, acceptable for a visit, too. He could use the social stimulation, for one thing.
Home health aide is an excellent idea -- I really do think that could be our best shot, cuz he's not budging from that house anytime soon. Amy also reminded me in e-mail that those with dementia can become worse after they've been moved. Sigh, of course, but I hadn't thought of that.
So, I think I need to ask him if he has Medicare or Medicaid (I'm SO unclear what the difference is). I know he did once have a card and it's his SSN or similar to that. He knows the #, but lost the card a long time ago. Last year, flu shot time, my General Practicioner (GP) said he'd take Dad on as a new patient. Dad decided he wasn't up for doing that, but, at this point, he HAS to get some diagnoses done. He could use dental attention, too, but hey. I think the process is that AFTER that is done, THEN I can check into having a home health aide for him, and what he qualifies for.
As far as visitors to his house, anyway, um, not in this condition. Most areas are just fine. But, it's gotten trashed in the family room where he hangs in all the time, and in the bathroom close by there, oh, and the kitchen is partially. He has a long history of being enabled, and I was not going to stay falling for it. I stayed trying to encourage him, as if with a child, to stay doing the things he was capable of. Heck, that'd be good for him now, too, jsut he's capable of less. When I go in and help with cleaning stuff up, I can act like it's US doing it, say, okay, Dad, can you hold this bag and I'll put these newspapers in it......... or whatever. I know he can't carry them down to the curb now, he used to be able to even just 4-5 months ago, but not now. I thought he'd still at least pick up the trash, I didn't wish to, he'd rely upon that. Now, it just has to be done. Somewhat ticks me off, cuz if he CAN, I want him to. But, sigh, maybe it's beyond him now, and I am okay accepting that if that is the case. If any of this makes sense.
I did also check into the National Council of Aging -- see the link I have -- they have a great area on their website for Benefits Checkup I mentioned in a previous entry. It didn't print sigh, so I'll redo it. You don't provide any identifying information other than zip code, no name or address, etc. But, it DOES ask a bunch of questions, and from them, they provide a report of services that could be potentially beneficial. It was great, just didn't print. For my father, 25 pages worth, including links and addresses, etc. This will give me a good start, too.
A woman in the building next to me is also one of the coordinators for my church's "VIP" i.e., seniors group. I plan to talk with her, also.
But, while I check some of this out, which is a lot!, I think he has to have those couple rooms cleaned up first.
Being I'm not getting many questions (okay, so 4-5 people read this total), I'll start at the beginning:
Easy Cheese (aerosol): Heck no, I want the REAL thing, baby! :) I LIKE cheese, real cheese, real flavors, and I don't care for it all processed up. I can, however, see some use for spray cheese for more biodegradable graffiti writing, or for fun during parties........ if ignoring aerosol components which reduce reduce the ozone layer.
Communism: I have never been nor am I now a member of any Communist party. (Is there more than one?) I do see some benefit to "all people are created equal," that is a Christian theme. Yet there's that George Orwellian / Animal Farm addition, "but some are created more equal than others." I like there being some reward for ingenuity and hard work, while liking people who are down on their financial / medical/etc. blessings to have a support system..... but, never considered joining the Communists:)
I've been pondering Amy's question, wow 15 years ago........ I think that'll be another entry! :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Seeing if this works again:)
Tired, but feeling good again:) Back to okay.
I think I've been mostly stressing from Thursday late morning until yesterday maybe even last night. In part b/c of my father, in part b/c of M going with her dad, getting her ready and all those "must do before I go for 3 weeks" stuff done (like homemade thank you cards wow M they are BEAUTIFUL), and then now she's GONE.
I worry how will I react as time goes on this summer for the 3 weeks. I can forget to eat (cuz I'm off schedule), feel down (separate from forgetting to eat), etc. And miss her a LOT. Sunday night I was burned out, so burned out, I just finally plopped on the couch under covers and blankly watched t.v. I rarely watch t.v. but in part it was to make me tired so I'd sleep more readily, not miss M so much. Try to focus on other things to keep me from thinking of her and missing her. Oh, I miss her, but I'm not paining about it right now. I was trying to avoid that part. I guess it'll hit me more, I do miss her NOW, just knowing..... and of course I called and of course no one will even give that message to her.
But, today, other than work and my own animals, I took a break from all the rest. I did do a search on National Council for the Aging ??? which I include as a link -- they have a great benefits check questionnaire for each state / area. It didn't print, but that's ok, I didn't GO there (to my dad's).
I did an errand for ME wow. Last week I got M right from camp each day, no daycare! :) so no lunch really either, which is fine, but. Took a long bath/shower this a.m. which is rare.
Then returned something to Border's, and read the last chapter or two of Ernest Hemingway's Farewell to Arms. I got so nauseous, and quite faint. I needed a cool drink, yes, that's it, the cafe is closed.... huh? Outside was oppressive, heat index of well over 100 F, I made it back and got a ginger ale. (M's half-sister Si was born in a similar manner as Catherine "Henry's" boy, cord around her neck and all, but lived as did Sh, and yes, M and I were there, I took her for it.)
BUT, it was a my choice errand. Work had some must take care of things, combined with a ton of downtime, but it was ok. I think of BJ and his great strong arms, and he tells me he ran into a chain link fence with his face OUCH OUCH OUCH. Poor baby, tho I'm glad if it happened, he shared it. Even got myself ice cream tonight, and not even M's kind. Not sure if it'd make me miss her more if I got a kind she alsoliked, or if I got a kind only I liked....... Dad can get ice cream, hey, why can't I?
Even if I balanced it with a good spinach salad with freshly cut veggies..... hey, I don't cook if I don't have to, but I do try to eat decently, well, the ice cream was a lower fat than many, sort of:)
So, I'm really tired, but Daisy and I took a LONG walk for the later evening one, and she wanted to MOVE. Thunder and moving winds, somehow no rain HERE so apparently all around us. Made it feel GREAT:)
Now, about BJ's face -- "....guess who tried to be a hero and dove to catch a line drive near the outfield fence? Needless to say, I didn't catch the ball and instead, fell headlong and face first into the chain link fence. Would have been pretty comical had I not been bleeding from multiple cuts on nose and forehead, plus bruised all over my face. Still not looking very pretty today...but the swelling has gone down at least.
Graceful I am not...anyway, no big deal, shouldn't be majorly scarred...not that it matters!"
Okay, couple things here -- OUCH OUCH OUCH I recommended vitamin A and retinol.... I learned a few things about scars when I got mine. I do hope he's okay. (Seems his one daughter has become an expert as well, so he's being taken care of!)
Secondly, isn't it just like him to try to do it? He's a confident sort, goes after what he really wants, and typically does well for it. Heck, if he didn't try, he wouldn't have caught it, either. So, he gave it a try. I like that in a guy.
Thirdly, not to stereotype men and women, but how many women do you know who would say it doesn't matter if she's scarred up or not? When I first got my scar, which is almost not even noticeable NOW, but at first, I scared young children. Seriously. People treated me differently but I wasn't different inside. It made me wonder what it must feel like to grow up disfigured, if it'd make someone feel differently inside, too. Then a Christmas dance party, I had on bandaids and coverup, a guy in my group told me I look "devastating." :) I'll always be grateful for that comment, and it helped that he meant it. But, men? It wouldn't do well if BJ were to end up truly scarred, in "society" and his work, of course I'd still feel the same for him, his personality would still carry him through, and for men it's not as bad. But still, to just matter of factly say it, ha, it says a lot about him, to me:)
Okay, relaxing soon. Teeth, maybe even wash my face, THEN clean the litter boxes, and SLEEP. I really do miss M and I guess I'm going to have to allow myself to face that she is away (even if I do want her to have a good relationship w; her dad, really). Even got to read a whole months worth of journal entries for an online friend:) lol he knows who he is, and that means a TON of entries. Like a new-styled book for preteens done in a style of IM's and journal entries, I think I'll get to reading it all, like a non-fiction novel. Cuz I can.
Spent some time trying to get my one e-mail loop as a yahoo group -- yeah it seems to be working! tho we have some kinks to work out. Hence, the "loopy" as the mood:) hehe
Don't even feel a need to drown my thoughts, dull them, or to just veg from burnout, with television. May not even watch any more for a while, cuz I often do not. One day one step at a time. Crazy lives we lead, nuances, etc. Have a blessed evening, all:) And, sweetpea (M), may God keep a hedge of thorns around you, evil away from you:) Sweet dreams.
This is borrowed from Dan / DP (The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind ) who borrowed this from Paul? who got it from......... anyway. Great idea, even if he is a prolific and good writer with many readers, I'm sure I'll get a few questions, right?! lol (If this link here doesn't work, go to the blogs/journals I have listed on the side. He's worth checking out.)
So, ask me a question, or two. Then after, I'll answer them (unless too personal to be answered publically, but hey). :)
Have a great day, all! -- Robin
p.s. -- would anyone ever write that their mood is flirtatious? I thought of that, for I've been feeling a bit like that today, but huh, I'm writing on a COMPUTER in MY journal. I'm not flirting with the computer OR with myself. They really need to have the "mood" drop-down menu include a blank space people can fill in with their own actual mood!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Stopped by my father's at lunchtime. M and I had brought him lunch yesterday, and left it there for him instead of eating with him, as he was asleep. Well, M preferred we not eat WITH him, anyway, not realizing he was all cleaned up tho the place needs cleaning. We were on our way to my mother's / Bob's for what we could make of the afternoon before C picked her up (he lives near there so I actually made it easier for him). Anyway, Dad had gotten the food we left. He asked if he had seen us, but I told him no.
He was eager to see his mail. He LIKES getting mail, just hadn't gotten it since July 3rd. On July 2nd, I had picked it up for him, per his request, and there was a few days worth in there but not a ton. I simply put the newspaper ads and crap directly into the recycling:) No need to pick it up from his living room floor later to do that. He had trouble that day, needing to sit down at the grocery store (dressed okay but insisted on a jacket so likely overheated tho cold in the store). I picked out several birthday cards for him to chose from -- he chose one for M, signed it, I added $20. of mine, and we mailed it out that day. He was really interested in what she might plan to buy, not sure if he'd remember now, but he was fine holding on to me and etc. But, he hadn't gotten his mail since.
I went through it yesterday, 2 weeks worth wow, mailbox STUFFED, including the court notice for Friday's would have been foreclosure, and two certified mail notices -- one from that lawyer but expired July 12th, so why the heck didn't the mail carrier NOTICE SOMETHING? And, did he even try my father a the door, or? I don't know that my dad saw any of this. Oh, and almost 20 letters from other lawyers and real estate "investors" and others offering their services to my dad, some scammers, some likely legitimate. Nothing from "the" lawyer -- why wouldn't they send something both regular and certified? To me, that'd be best cuz picking something up certified is such a pain and gets delayed, and, in this case, never received. The lawyer who charged over $3,300. for this. I find that excessive. I may write them and ask if they'd consider reducing the fee at all, explain the situation........ doesn't hurt but I know it's not likely.
Today, Dad said he wanted to read all of those "solicitation letters," anyway, but then later he was fine with me recycling them. I could foresee them getting mixed up with his legitimate / current mail. We went over his bills, too. He wrote down that July's mortgage had been paid, he'd not remembered that was part of the arrangements, and was grateful. It lets him pay for his overdue electric and gas bills, and overdue lawn service tho at least they are really nice. I had planned to write them, but he kept the bills. It's fine, they are his, and now I know to followup and ask him about them, too.
His property tax bill also arrived. He thinks he's not eligible any more for the county (state?) program that reduces the taxes. It's one I've gotten him in each year, so ? He usually followed through with the paperwork, thrilled it was reduced. I am going to check, heck, sounds like even I could qualify at quick look, wow, all these years I paid extra cuz I make more now than ever before as a homeowner?! I told him I'd see if there was "another" program:)
I suspect that the thing one was always really good at, and my dad had a quick / good mind for figures, is the last thing a person wishes to let go. I'm happy for him to do his bills, me run someone else's finances on top of my own? That is a lot. But, I will have to keep close check. He never cared a lot about cooking, oh, some, but not hardly. And, his mother doted on men, true southern hostess:) She was in her 90's preparing food oy vey at times ha, but she was and she did alright. He is in his version of elderly and tries to maintain his finances.
He didn't go with me to the store, though. He remembered just where the pistachio ice cream is this time, describing the location well. I'd tried many visits and could not find it. Oh, it's Ben and Jerry's. I bet it's good:) I know what he likes at this point, mostly, but he tells me his mental list, anyway, which is good for him and me for remembering. I got a few extra things, too, like freshly made soup for lunch, some liquid soap for the bathroom, the milk he gets (organic ha he doesn't care about that, but he'll recognize it -- it's red with a white jumping cow -- on the end of the aisle so it's what he gets typically). Etc.
He did ask for Vermouth, tho he calls it wine. Blech, it's sticky and I suspect very sweet. I'll never have the stomach to try it. He thinks it's better than drinking Scotch. I doubt I could try that, either. Thursday, he asked for a cola or iced tea, so today, I got him two juices (he loves juice and citrus), milk, and a bottle each of lime Cola and iced tea. Hey, his mother's from Georgia, of course he drinks iced tea, sweetened:) Anyway, he's had nothing alcoholic for probably a month now, or longer -- however long I've had his phone. Not that I'm trying to keep his phone from him, but I tried to get it to work. Then I went to one Sprint / Nextel store, but they weren't fully equipped yet to handle upgrades from Nextel to Nextel. Now, waiting on Dad's next paycheck to just buy him a new one. He asked again for buying just a new phone -- so I told him where I'd looked. We could converse today much more clearly than last week (last week also a sober week, mind).
I forgot to take his formerly worn clothes home with me to wash....... I got rattled cuz I flushed the toilet for him. Apparently forgetting to flush sometimes is "normal," and at least he knows where he should go. It overflowed. I was gagging. It "fixed" (cleared / flushed) but there are some areas needing more intense cleaning I could NOT do today, already over a 2 hour lunch (I marked it down on my timesheet). It's filthy in there, ANYWAY, but ack.
I spent time researching dementia lately, okay, more like the Alzheimer's organization site for classes, as I saw a brochure for spring classes for caregivers. I could use those, but few classes (locally) in the summer. I was prepared for Dad to be really bad off today ha. It comes and goes, and apparently that is normal, too. Guess I'm happy he was more clearheaded today. And still with clean hair and clothes, too, other than the same socks.
One thing I saw on the website is that caffeine can make one urinate more often, or something like that, so since sometimes those with dementia can't notice their body signals all the time, don't give caffeinated drinks, and decrease liquid 2 hours before bedtime (but don't overlimit beverages yadda yadda). Then again, I'm fairly certain my father also has ADD, and since those with ADD / ADHD have biochemistry that differs from "the rest," and caffeine helps us focus and calms us down, would it be of more benefit to keep him in iced tea and cola? I was torn, am still torn, but wtf, I got him iced tea and cola:) I am worried that those of us with ADD / ADHD might be more prone to early dementia, anyway........ not that I know if that's true, but seems possible.
After M was picked up by C and Si yesterday at my mother's, (man, 3 weeks, I have not had it hit me yet, I'm ignoring that length of time, she slept with baby-Baby that last night,too, her first dollbaby ever, etc.), I had planned to leave, but ended up socializing with Mom and Bob. We talked a lot about my father, and it was interesting to hear my mother talk of how he had been, too. Very concerned about "HIS" home, and keeping it up, I knew he was about the outside, some other things, too. I knew she had just wanted out so gave him the home, when they separated / divorced. She deserved better (tho she didn't spend those years complaining, mind, she and he both tried to keep negative comments away from my brother, D, and me).
I could sit down last night, do nothing, somewhat read, watched a futuristic movie hopeful astronaut God's child Vincent pretends to be perfectly engineered Jerome and gets away with it:) Grey's anatomy, too, yes, at the same time, so hey, I multi-viewed. First time to just SIT in so so long. Even the pets took 2 hours Sunday a.m., between Daisy and the cats and dogwatching the two boys (dogs) again and their meds and their geri-pads....... oy. I'm glad it was only 1.5 days this time. I love and adore M, so happy to do what I need for her, well, nixing a few minor negative moments ha, but still. I have sole physical custody, it's really me who has responsibility for her. my brother, Doug has disappeared again from taking care of my dad, and I was worried, gosh, is it really JUST ME again taking care of him? Guess it's partially my dad, too, though, and that helps. I had to just chill last night, though, burned out, and trying to be so tired that I didn't miss M not being home. (Daisy and Liberty, then later Billy, then Captain, kept me company, of course.) :)
One day at a time:)
Friday, July 14, 2006
Mood = relief
First off, thank you to all of you who have commented or e-mailed or otherwise lent support. That this was SO far along in the process was really scary, and there were a lot of hurdles along the way to resolving this.
"Well, I was happy to see my dad had really washed up. Not clear if that included his hair or not, lol, but, it was presentable. And, clean socks. Had him change his shirt and put on pants I'd brought, oh, too big, so another pair I'd bought him a few months back, still new w/ tags. Great, works fine. "I think I won't go today, I'd rather just find out the amount and write a check." ACK, um, "no, Dad, it's too late for that now. You have to go with me. They have to get the money wired to them TODAY or by noon, (12:26pm somehow that odd time), your home will be sold." "It will?" Ugh.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Well, this was draining and isn't done, but resolution has been determined.
My brother, Doug was not mean to my dad. I don't know if he ever is mean, but he was upset when he first heard, heck, so was I. He also got to see our dad, and his place, and realize just how truly downhill our father has come. Well, actually, it's been worse the past month or two than before. I guess b/c of lessened activity? I don't know.
I wrote my mother an e-mail just so I could vent it, even wrote that I am NOT asking for her to help, I just need to vent and wanted her to know what we're going through. She tried my brother's cell a few times but had the # wrong (didn't know at first b/c Doug and I would be talking w/ each other originally), and then she got me, and whatever we all talked. Get this -- she is lending the extra money needed. I don't need the advance on my (expensive) credit card. Doug got a travel reimbursement check in so he cashed that to help.
Mom said on the condition that we get that house sold, but I asked Doug if that was okay with him, and it is, and I guess I'm okay with that, too. I'd kind-of like it myself someday, but. I want it fixed up, but he cannot care for it, and he needs to be someplace different, so this really would be the best choice. This might be the unfortunate catalyst that allows Doug to work with me, in helping our father. I will be sure Dad knows that Mom lent the money, too.
Doug stopped by, Daisy was leary, but not too bad cuz she could tell WE were okay with him being there. Gosh, wonder if M will end up being Doug's height? Nice they could chat some.
Talking with Doug a lot myself, too, which is good.
The mortgage company woman was actually really helpful, their lawyer was NOT. She even talked w/ her supervisor about something.
Thank you for your prayers:) I do believe they've helped. Very stressful. If I hadn't gotten notice by today, he really could have lost the home he's lived in for 40 years.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
This is how it goes...
I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office...
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk...
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills... Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.
What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .
BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .
Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .
BUT FIRST I needto find those checks.
END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious . . .
I'd get help . . .
BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.
I had thought of titling this Sex and ADD/ADHD but there are varying definitions for "sex," and this really encompasses more of the relationship than "just" that.
I may not have time to elaborate very much right now, but at least do note -- A person with ADD / ADHD who is in a romantic relationship, is STILL a person with ADD / ADHD. This is true whether the two people are in the process of physical intimacy, making arrangements for a date, packing and going on a trip, almost anything. But, what does this mean exactly?
Exactly will still vary from person to person, on how s/he is handling his/her disability, and on the other person in the relationship and how s/he is with accepting it. No person is exactly like another, and each relationship is unique. I'm not claiming anything otherwise.
Look at some of the traits of someone with ADD / ADHD. Her mind is in constant motion, with great ability to multitask, and be very creative potentially, and the inability to focus very specifically unless really hyperfocused. To put it bluntly, if you ain't all that interesting, you ain't all that interesting and you won't capture her full attention. The difficult part is that you may not capture her full attention, ANYWAY. Your goal is to get her hyperfocused on you and what the two of you are doing (conversation, board game, fooling around, whatever). Even if she is VERY interested in her partner, and what he's doing and/or talking about, her mind is thinking of many things at one time, and is naturally going off in various tangents. If the television is on, bam, don't keep it in her view b/c she cannot help but be distracted by it visually, or better yet, turn it off so she's not being distracted by it auditorially, either, unless it's a slow movie she's seen and finds boring. The radio can also be distracting, as there tends to be commercial breaks and talking, i.e., distracting, varying stimuli. Putting on a cd is a better choice -- can help set the mood and stays within a similar niche, doesn't jump to a new voice and new style of song and then someone talking for a commercial break. Of course, something you both enjoy listening to is best! (Okay, you want specific ideas -- try either classical, or something else with limited vocals, or only vocals in another language than one s/he knows. This is good for studying by, also, seriously. Having some background noise such as non-vocal music, is very helpful for a person with ADD / ADHD if trying to do homework, I'm sure an internet search will support me on this one. So, hey, it canhelp set the mood for "other" things, too.) Okay, not having pets and chores around help, too, as they can be just too compelling, and will/do distract. A person with ADD / ADHD cannot help but be distracted. (If you're going to be boring or super quick, nix the clock, too, btw.)
Even if a person is thinking only of her date and things related to the two of them, even if there are some other things going on with the two of them right then (say, fooling around some), she might still verbalize these other things on her mind, also, as her mind is focusing on ALL of it, not 100% on any one aspect of him/them. Of course, if the other person is trying to focus on the, say, rubbing someone's feet for example, it might be distracting for him to hear her talking. She may be fully focused on her mate and yet still many aspects can be related to her mate and what they are doing. He might even get frustrated by this, or feel as if she isn't really into it, which of course may be true, but really might NOT be true, too. He may not really comprehend / understand.
(Okay, I need to get M to give me a lesson on when to use "might" and when to use "may," as she is constantly correcting people on that but I can't figure out which one is correct HERE above.)
Remember, those of us with ADD / ADHD can also hyperfocus. We're either thinking all over the map, or very into what we're doing / thinking about. Hyperfocus is when we get so totally focused on something that we're doing / involved in, we tune everything else out, and it's as if nothing else is going on or matters. This is when a parent must actually walk up to her ADD / ADHD child, look the child directly in her eyes, gently, with a light touch, moving her face if need be tho don't startle the person!, and interrupt, and get a response, or said parent will truly NOT be listened to, and not b/c the child is dissing the parent, but the child truly will have no idea she's been spoken to at all. When (consenting) adults are being physically intimate, this is the goal for the person with ADD / ADHD, i.e., to get hyperfocused and totally into the moments with his / her partner. Let this person have the variety s/he is comfortable with, in addition to all of those normal "advice" things. I'm not even talking wild here (that's between the people involved to figure out how "wild,") but variety can be really simple stuff, too, say, running fingernails lightly up and down an arm and ones back, instead of always starting off with a back massage, a morning shower instead of always whatever routine "timing." Other details, hey, y'all can figure them out, or be creative together, and hopefully, y'all are both really into each other, anyway:) To me, physically intimacy really should include that emotional aspect, IMHO, sexual relations can be just too powerful not to.
And, hey, if we're on the phone talking, don't get upset if I'm washing the dishes or sweeping the floor or doing laundry. I need to keep myself busy, and why NOT do those things? They're boring. Hence, I'm trying to think on the phone while keeping myself occupied. I know that my boss uses his cell phone when driving:) I would more often myself but it's not always so safe, and, well, only so often I talk on it. It's as if driving time is down "dead" time. He also reads his e-mails while "driving" tho he only responds while at stop lights, like I only put on makeup at stoplights. Hey, when else is there time to paint ones nails and take time to let them dry? lol. Anyway, just because a person with ADD / ADHD is doing more than one thing at a time, it does NOT mean that s/he is NOT interested in the other person, just that his/her mind is just doing it's natural multitasking. It is okay:)
Unless she starts talking about retiling the ceiling, then maybe you need to ask her if she's very focused, and if not, why not.......
BTW, my former serious boyfriend, SO, was the first to make me feel as if there are positive aspects to this "dis"ability. He would get so amazed and impressed because my mind could go readily from one topic to another, he liked it. It is certainly helpful to have ones partner be able to accept this. Sometimes it's too difficult, even if the partner WANTS to, it just might disrupt him/her too much in his/her own internal requirements for "sense" and "order." A guy in my office has the greatest inability to multitask I've seen, and is very m-e-t-h-o-d-i-c-a-l and I've had to just accept that and work with him in his 1,2,3, step process he apparently requires internally, finsih one task completely before even beginning to think of another task. He holds no interest for me, anyway, but, that would drive me nuts in a partner, especially in moments where we shared of ourselves with each other, and likely my way of processing information and actions would drive him nuts.
Please also do NOT think that anything specific in here relates to BJ and I. Those details are private:) I just started thinking in general, cuz thoughts do take tangents, and hoped some of this just might be helpful to someone else out there.