Friday, October 27, 2006

all those initials

M is my 12 year old daughter.

C is her father.   Sh is his long-term girlfriend, and Si is their daughter, the 4-year old half-sister to M.

Doug is my brother (and also my late cousin).   Mom and Dad are, well, gee, ya think perhaps my Mom and my Dad.   Bob is my stepfather.   Beth is one of my aunts, my father's sister.

BJ is not his name but a nickname based upon his screenname, and yeah, a real sweetie ;)   I can't talk about him nearly as much as I'd enjoy to, good or bad lol but right now all good, in part to protect his privacy, and in part as others on aol also know him.

Daisy is our beloved beagle, the alpha pet which also includes Indie, Libby, Billy, Captain (Hook), and Tinkerbell.

Ma is the ironic nickname I came up with for the main owner and dance teacher at M's Irish stepdance school.  

L is sometimes M's one teacher, and sometimes M's one friend, and Mo is M's other teacher.   Md is one of M's best friends.

Brian, well, my best male friend from college, Amy being my roomie / best female friend from college.    SO is a former boyfriend I'm still friends with and haven't mentioned in a while, but he's in the overall dance community here.   As are my two very favorite dancers, E and P.   E is also a good friend of mine, and P I suppose could be but he's mostly in the other dance club, which I'm in but can't typically get to.   E is in my main one and that other one.

Any other basics anyone cares to ask, please feel free.   I may not answer, but wtheck:)



Eternal Optimist

Recently, a fellow message board writer told me that I'm an eternal optimist.   It was in relation to how I was responding to a poster on her particular situation, others seeing things so bleakly, and apparently I was holding out hope which I gathered glimpses of from the original poster (OP) on that thread.  The woman who called me the eternal optimist has posted with me for probably close to 3 years now, so she knows my style.

Yes, I suppose that is actually accurate in many ways:)   In here, I dump the angst, the worries, the oy Mondays and to-do lists, or whatever, cuz hey, sometimes I love Mondays.   Then, in theory, I've released the thoughts and prayers, and I can go on and stay trying to enjoy life, focus on the better blessings and such, for we are all so very very blessed even in our struggles.  

I'm fairly laid-back, hate discord, and know I need to prepare for the worst in case, but I do like to hope, and pray, for the best:)   M yesterday or so referred to me as "some nice lady."  She was concerned that if I help my father with Halloween this year, more children will come next year, as I'll have eased their fears.   Well, she's all excited, first year going over to a friends house, gathering with others, and it's not too far from my dad's, so what the heck.   It takes him a long time to get to the door.   I am sometimes referred to as the really nice lady, lol.   Hey, worst things can happen:)

"Imagine all the people living life in peace.  You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.  Perhaps some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one."  -- John Lennon (for anyone who doesn't actually know that)

Besides, it's more fun this way sometimes, IMHO.   Accept how things come, but know, It's All Going to be Alright aka how Jewel sings not as if I usually like her stuff.   Decide to have it be a good day, and it is more likely to be one:)   Filling oneself up with negative stress, IMHO, is not healthy or productive.

This also means, I'd almost forgotten, that I'm NOT going anywhere, I am NOT going to let the two (or more) who aim to harrass me, keep me from writing in here, PUBLICALLY if I so feel like, as I rather like the community feel to the group of journalists here, "J-land" if you will.   Screw it.   Life's too short.  

Happy Friday, anyway.  

(Not) Going Out

Summary of what's written below (written later, see, just had to get this out of my head first, lol, so skip the rest if desired):  

M had hopes to be in her big gig tonight, never knew if Sh / C would take her or not, Sh had originally said NO to it, but as she was too carsick last night to rehearse, she's out anyway, but C and I had back and forth details going on oy, in part as neither of us understood that (it is fair just not realized).   M may go anyway as Si may dance there now sigh, but I am off the hook for driving there to see my angel.   Just feel really bad for M who may be super disappointed.
My friend also canceled out yeah! so no pretending I like her aunt's food and begging off eating meat dishes.   I'll snuggle, read, watch the Card's! maybe, or rerun of Grey's, have a single drink and good Amish cheese / food.   This weekend?   Two ceili's planned.  I love to dance, I could use to dance again:)   I had to skip Tuesday, just TOO worn out.   Here's hoping M makes her horse show on Sunday as she's said she's been too uneasy about speaking directly to her dad about it, yet signed herself up.

The following is the longer version I wrote earlier!  

I so agree that a person needs to have some sense of balance in her life, a bit of time for herself (or himself as the case may be).   Sometimes, for me, that doesn't mean going out, it means getting to stay in:)   Heck, a couple downtime moments in the day writing in here helps, where I vent, get things out of my mind so I'm not bogged down with them.

A friend of mine called me this morning, canceling out tonight's plans.   I was so glad, lol, I did not really wish to accompany her to her aunts house party where this woman would be selling food, not quite like Tupperware, but sounded close enough.   Oh, I'd not be pressured, just please be the guest, she gets points for the number of people who show.   On a Friday night.   I'd canceled on this friend twice recently, so I felt obligated, and she'd asked me about it while I was driving M to rehearsal, spacing and not meshing calendar dates that duh, M has a big gig tonight (Friday), and I wasn't actually free for plans.

Yep, Tuesday night, I was too worn out still from the weekend, told this same friend that I would not leave her stranded or going solo, yet we both agreed, we didn't wish to attend a concert of some band she knows, after all.   Good thing -- it was a $20. cover which is not money I want to spend in this manner when it's so tight.   Hanging out with some of the friends I allude to in my other entry was an option after dancing on Tuesday, too.   Too worn out to move, I thought of going, I smiled to think of it.   I will again, and do usually dance at least twice a month, go out at least once.   Tuesday, I needed to do nothing.

M has/had a really big gig tonight -- in a professional sport stadium and she'd really wanted to go.   Sh had said a couple weeks ago that M wouldn't be attending.  I talked with teacher Ma today -- seems Sh didn't have a "real" reason just was saying that Sh didn't think C could get off work early enough to go.  Ma told me that Ma told Sh that most mom's just go w/out their husbands, then.   I think the change their (Sh/C) minds kicker is that Si is now maybe being asked to dance, too, with another new wee dancer who is adorable and good.   So last week, the dances were all reworked to cover for M not being there.    We went to rehearsal last night, anyway, but M worn out from the week I suppose, fell asleep enroute, and woke up all wrong that carsick sleep sick crap.   She didn't feel capable of moving out of the car even.   I talked w/ them inside, I guess not fully comprehending that it means M will remain not in the dance/set list, then, if she can't rehearse.   Fair rule.   Just didn't know / remember it.   What I thought I was hearing last night, I know the coordinator said this, that a day beforehand is too late notice, and they still hadn't heard a commital from Sh/C as to M's attendance Friday/tonight.    On Wednesday, M'd been told by Sh (or C?) to bring her dance school dress "just in case," and so I sent it on in.  

(I was allowed to help her bring items in today, lol, as she'd "found my new glasses" and I otherwise was deemed to look acceptable.)   Forgot the needed bobbypins, so I brought them to add to M's things during her lunch break, not realizing the timing was when they were in their "amazing race!" and I saw them whizzing by:) smiles on most of their faces, at least M's.   Nice break in the day, left a note at the barn about Sunday's show, too.  M signed herself up but we'll see.)

Call from C to me, "dance school says M is sick?"   I told him about it, had sent dress, etc., "Good," he says.   Hours? later, I see it after lunch, he writes back "as you know, she's not dancing" yadda yadda "so we're not dragging her dress around" or similar wording.   Um, no, I did not know.   Nicely, Ma and the troupe coordinator both contacted me (after both talked w/ Sh and maybe C at least once each), to also let ME know that M is out of the set list as she'd missed rehearsal, very nicely said and explained and I do understand that, both concerned if M knows.   Heck if I know if M knows, she was waiting for weeks to just be told one way or the other, so sigh, she'll likely get there, watch it all going on, and see her little sister dancing (which is something I think M and well as I, do support), but, her not able to.   How disappointing.   The coordinator said to have M still bring her dress maybe, but she'd have to call Sh about doing that.   JUST in case, if she'll be there anyway, if someone else is sick (one girl is, another hurt her ankle, all three out).

So I'm not driving to this stadium, finding parking and paying the small entry fee.   The charity gig last weekend canceled, I wasn't missing this show of M's, except now M's not in it.   Have to laugh, though, M will now have 2 pairs of jeans, long comfy pants and capris there (from my house), plus new WARM riding gloves, so she'll be warm anyway!  :)  She wasn't sure how to layer today (and 1 pair of jeans hasn't returned home yet, they will just not yet.)

Sometimes, just staying in, reading, catching up on a show or something, is recharging for me, and I need that.   Tonight, I need that, so this is good for me, sad for M.

And, sometimes, ya gotta dance!   I will hopefully get to two ceili's this weekend, a third is a conflict.   The one would have been great for M, also, a friend has a nice heated barn-like building with a great floor, a handful of kids, and it's a family-oriented audience.   In theory, I'm to dress up in a costume.   Finding THIS MORNING M's orange pumpkin shirts, I MIGHT wear that.   (I sent along her one bought last year but not worn, with some accessories.   Ifound a nice wand and wings,too, that she can use on Tuesday, and she picked out some fun cheap pretty dangling earrings that is her bonus for finding my eyeglasses finally they are found phew.)  

The other ceili is more adult.   I am hearing, also with costumes oy.   Did I not make this one last year or something?   I love the idea of dressing up in costumes, just I do NOT like celebrating or honoring Halloween.   Ah, well, I will get to dance:)   Mostly with me.  And, yes mingle, socialize.   I go for the dancing, and get in some socializing; some go for the socializing and might do some dancing.   There's a potluck, good food.   I'll have spent hours with my father, or, um, watching M's horse show gosh if she's able to attend.........   afraid to speak up to her dad or Sh and ask, M said twice this week that she hates asking them anything, discreetly having the program in her backpack on top of things they'd see, had me send her "costume" for it, with gear in her locker.  

Yawn, besides, isn't the next Cardinals game on tonight?!   :)   That'd be a fun game in person!   hehe   Rainy and grey here, 45 degrees F.   One glass of wine or beer perhaps, Amish market fresh food for dinner.   Snuggle under blankets.

I do need to get out some, mingle with adults.   It's easiest to socialize and talk with the other parents, those M rides with perhaps, those M dances with, or goes to school with.   We see them all the time, heck, half of last weekend we spent with others from the dance school.   Ma laughed that she sees us parents some weeks more often than she sees her own boyfriend:)   Some we'll enjoy staying in touch with even after whatever year M drops out, too.   Friends of my own?   Yep, have them, too, will see some this weekend.   Just not tonight thank the Lord!  Oh, and an extra hour this weekend, too:)   Could have used it last weekend.

Sorry this is longwinded again.   If I wasn't tired, if I had time, I'd cut out about 2/3 of this!  I want a nap. 


Thursday, October 26, 2006

I collect Tidbits of Information

About a month back, one night when I actually got OUT with ADULTS, two of the women started talking with me about our parents.   At first, the one was asking me all sorts of questions, with good intentions, but I'm not at that stage with my father yet.   When I told her it was really mostly me, that we hadn't recognized, or wanted to recognize, my father's needs and dementia (like the many mini-stroke kind), and it's just so daggone overwhelming that I'm needing to break it all down into steps.   She immediately realized and they both remained supportive.   But, I learned from them, too.   Both have mothers who have needed care, one went downhill rapidly with Alzheimer's, the other I'm not as certain about.   

The local nursing home that is so good, where I'd have wished for my grandmother if she'd ever gone into a nursing home instead of from her home into a hospital elderly care place where she died, medicare covers it.  Or Medicaid.   I cannot get those two straight.   Nor is he signed up for any Rx plan, cuz I'd have to understand it to explain it to him, and heck, we only found his card a couple weeks ago.   

That there's a free bus for the elderly and disabled, except that you have to actually show up in person to prove to them that the applicant is truly elderly and/or disabled.   As if a visual inspection can be accurate?   It's great this is offered.   Not that I wish my father to utilize this -- oh, it could be great for his indpendence, I'd like that part, but it'd be horrible if he'd forgotten, well, to wear clean and appropriate clothing, or brush his hair or something.  

Other tidbits.   Each person who shares, who has gone through this, is helpful:)   I have another step, another avenue.

My brother Doug describing his loss of dexterity in HIS fingers and hands, how they shake sometimes, and yep, he's 41, from the two mini-strokes he had when 39 years old.  (Nor can he stand on one leg any more.)    I know that my father's hand shakes, his handwriting is quite illegible, he spills drinks readily.   I always look for plastic glassware that appear nice, with ridges or bumps or something, to help him hold things.   I guess Doug is right, that that's likely why my father asked me to clip his fingernails andtoenails.   I did cuz Dad asked, even if I hesitated as, well, he doesn't wear socks around the house any more, but, I clipped them all and washed us up some.

I try to do things that will keep me from having a mini-stroke, or, of course, a larger one:)   Perhaps I should start taking that low-dose aspirin, that my father takes.   Bayer has a low-dose "women's" aspirin version, to help with the heart but also provides calcium.   There were other brands, also, but he asked for Bayer, as he'd read about Bayer, so he got Bayer low dosage for women lol.   Besides, more calcium can't hurt him with his diet:)   Osteoporosis runs in our family, his (late) mother and I both have it, he may not, but what the heck.   If I remember to get myself some, of course.   Take it daily if I get it.

I read how drinking juices, or was it eating fruit?  Gosh, it's in my own daggone journal.    Trying to keep track....... but it aids against dementia of some sort, perhaps the Alzheimer's sort.  This week, I read how eating 2-3 vegetables a day can help ones mental acuity, fruits less so, starting even later in life is helpful.   I add more to my salad at dinner I was preparing, anyway:)   

Now, socks.   I knew my dads ankles were thicker for a while, but he didn't feel bothered by them.   I looked for low sodium items, and kept bananas on his list even if he took them off for a week.  He loves fruit, he eats them, anyway.   It seems to have helped, I'm hoping.   I look for socks w/out the tight athletic ridges that go all along the calves.   I didn't know that there were prescription socks, or diabetic ones.    I love a pair of socks we found for my daughter (women's section of LLBean, smartsocks for hiking, low cut).   If I could find him a pair like that, or a nice pair of slippers again, would he wear those?  

It's colder now.  Oh, inside his home it's always around 70, as it's a daggone programmable thermostat, meaning, neither he nor I can alter the actual temperature setting.   Maybe I should ask M, lol!   I just flip it from "cool" to "heat" depending on the season.   I've heard that there are energy programs for helping pay utility bills if under a certain income.   It'lllikely take me hours or a day to get even one arranged for, but, worth it.  

I've heard the low-income property tax credit has been extended until October 31 for those over age 65, so I know I have to get that form, naturally for some unknown reason, NOT in the county office near my office, only in the other county office.   Having to apply yearly sucks, too, but I can understand it.

Tidbits, tidbits.   I'm learning:)   Why do so many have to become expertson such things, like family court laws, or caring for a parent with dementia issues?   I love my child, I love my father, and hope my brother isn't starting short-term memory loss issues himself, may my mother and stepfather remain fine for a while.   Just, gosh.   It is all part of life, though, and I'd rather have life with some issues, than not life.   :)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Caught a snippet of a Suzanne Somers interview on the radio, where she started off by saying that we are, basically, our hormones.   Eh, I think I'm a bit more than just that, but I know that they effect our lives.  (affect?)

Daisy is past her bleeding part of being "in heat," and is on with the "desire" portion.   She's a beagle, about 4.5 years old.   It's been 8 months since her last session, and I'm just fine with this one being more mild, less blood, less intensity in her obvious internal compulsion to hump some other living creature.   She'll try to play like a puppy with her favorite male dogs, one quite elderly who adores her, a bit of flirting going on, and of course, sigh, the presentation of her bottom.   Dogs have no sense of dignity, they just do what feels right to them innately.   And she is very scent-focused.   She'll try to mate with one of the cats, but her feelings are not so intense this year apparently thankfully.  This year, when I tell her no and try to release the escaping cat, Daisy will try to stop and listen to me.   And then go back at it, sometimes.  

Yesterday I walked into the suite of offices next to mine.   A woman was leaving, "Yes it is HOT in here, it's HOT down here (on this floor)."   The woman she'd been talking to laughed back, saying something about how she had been feeling really hot and had wondered if it was menopausal-related.   Two people were feeling hot, but, I wasn't.   It felt lukewarm to me.   Could it just be hot in the one woman's specific office in that suite, which is quite possible in our building, or am I having a peri-menopausal sympton oh no, wait, I wouldn't feel colder, I'd feel hotter, or am I sick?   Or, lol, perhaps they are both menopausal!    (As I still felt quite chilled last night walking Daisy all excited to be back outside, I did starte debating, am I just worn out, or am I getting sick?)

Preteen girls.   They're at the edge, still maintaining a lot of their childhood innocence, and yet developing, physically, mentally, etc.   Their hormones and bodies are all in whack.   One of M's friends broke down after the feis on Sunday, also 12 years old.   She and her mother are great people, not competitive sorts, and always get along well with each other, too.   I suspect the length of her day (various dancing from figures 8am to her particular hornpipe close to 5pm, with many breaks), with being all hyped up, tired, but happy, if she was running partially on adrenaline like M was, then bam.  Her hornpipe was conbimed with U13's which wasn't truly fair according to Ma (and us but hey).   Students are not to "toe" (go en pointe for ballet) in competition until U13 or older, so obviously there was an advantage for those dancers.   She'd gotten 5 medals, she and her mom were happy and having fun, but the girl misheard a comment and it just all came crashing onto her, sobbing crying.   Even said she'd been having fun, and she really wants to do it again (with her mother going, not for anything this long in one day).   This isn't typical of this girl to have a meltdown, but it is not atypical for preteens in general to occasionally have them.   (M is more likely to after returing from her father's, for example, or if she and I are both tired, not full meltdowns, but what seems to be a touch of PMS stuff even if, well, she's not yet PMS'g.)   All the parents understood, and I suspect the girls did, too:)   She wasn't talking with her mother right then, so I went over and put my arm around her and tried to get her calmed down.  I'd hoped to "break the moment" by taking her for some water or a restroom break.   She's just fine now, as I suspected, and her mother confirmed.   Beautiful wonderful young women, who are still, in many ways, girls, too.   They'll cling one moment, and race off into the world independently the next, torn on that divide between little girlhood and young womanhood, like the divide between being developmentally ready for toeing, or reading certain books and seeing certain movies, and no longer finding many books to chose from at the school book fair geared towards the younger ones.

Ah, to be female:)


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Cold cold gusty day

It's after 1pm, and yeah, finally up to 48 degrees F brrrrr, still "gusty" as the radio said this a.m.   Quite cold last night, and having not worn a sufficient jacket yesterday, I still felt chilled through.   Having bedding in the laundry, I had only one blanket.   Daisy mostly slept with M, and a couple cats, and a couple blankets:)  By morning, Daisy came with me when she heard the radio alarm go off, which helped warmth-wise while I ignored said alarm.   Not that I couldn't have gotten up during the night, changed the temperature or grabbed more blankets, but hey, that'd mean getting up, lol.  I was tired and cold.   I'm not as loopy tired today as I was yesterday, thankfully, but I wanted REST during the night.

I turned off the heat, then back on, and checked on M, tucking her in tighter.  I hear the re-ignition of the gas furnance.   It seemed to have died and the electric backup come on.   I hope this isn't a problem as I don't have money to fix it, tho I suppose I'd have to find it.   The chai tea latte I pull from the refrigerator to zap warm is more than cold; it's frozen.   I jiggle the iced latte around and recall how refrigerators are used by Eskimos to keep their foods from freezing.   If this is true, they don't want mine this morning.

Walking Daisy, I'm thinking that I've not yet adjusted to the cold weather.   I love fall, I enjoy winter mostly, I've camped in the snow more than once, but camping with Girl Scouts in 2 weeks may not be doable for me.   Yet I'm the other camp-trained adult who is to go.   We've not attended so far this year, and sometimes we miss youth group, too.   I suppose things naturally "give way" when there is too much -- homework added in plus 1 more night for dance (just through November), plus more care of my father, it's just not all doable, so sometimes, we haven't.   Church even called me last night and I didn't listen to it (yet).   I think the youth director knows to e-mail or call my cell:)

It's trash day at my father's.   I dont' know how early they come, but I didn't get his trash put out, or even bagged up tightly.   Or his recycling.   I meant to go yesterday.   SO loopy tired, and without my eyeglasses, and well I forgot.  I'd go into a computer program and forget whyI was in there.   I knew I had gas to get M to dance and most of the way back home, but timewise figured I'd get it at a station enroute, but forgot and nicely had enough to get home (stopping when back in town).   So, I spaced on visiting my father, also.   Oy.   I hope he didn't miss me on Sunday; maybe he remembered.   He doesn't have his cell phone, so he can't call and I can't call him.   I will go tomorrow, but can't today.   I feel badly, even knowing I am doing what I can, and that my focus has to be my own child first if it comes to it.   I want more for him, though.  

And, did Doug get a plumber?   I talked w/ Doug for a while on Saturday; he'd called to check on M's charity performance Saturday night in his town which was canceled, and to check on how things had gone for me last week, not getting my call to him.   I don't think Doug went by and did plumbing, nor got a plumber.   Dad still has a working toilet, but ick, sitll.   I had to REexplain yet again the cell phone replacement need, and to do it online I need Doug's code, but it's his code for "everything," so he said he'd do it yesterday or today.   But, did he?   He is not one to say he'll do something then not.   He may say he'll try and then not, but if he commits, he does it.   And, he's reasking me things 2-3 times.   I sure hope he's not developing any dementia of his own, he's younger than I am.   When I retold Doug that I'd clipped Dad's nails, this time, Doug asked me why, and why doesn't Dad do them, can he?   Doug never thinks Dad cannot, so this was interesting, a good development I thought.   Seems that after Doug had two mini-strokes, his dexterity is way off now in his fingers, which he described some, and he is unable to stand on one of his legs without also standing on the other.   It's starting to sink in for Doug more that Dad's problems are not just drinking, or laziness, but a lot of it is because he really is incapable.   And yet I repeat the why Dad can't call for a plumber himself question, the other questions, that have ready answers.   It's not like Doug's been drinking when we've been talking, either.   Oh, man, is this crap hereditary?   Are Doug's short-term memory problems related to his mini-strokes?  

And yet, here Dad sits at home, excited for his one other social visit of sorts, when the lady in his neighborhood walks her dog and brings up Dad's newspaper from the bottom of the drive to the carport.   He knows the time of each paper drop-off now.   Dag, I know he missed me Sunday.  Oy.  Oh, he has food, but still.   People need more than food:)   Forms for him, arrangements for him, just socializing, and heck, letting him know about the cell phone, and what's up with the plumbing.   Sigh.   "justmary" wrote recently about feeling overwhelmed, visualizing how much better her father's life could be if she could "just get it right."   Yeah, me, too.   Triplicate myself and maybe that'd help, eh?

It's library books due today day.   As if that's ever been a defining moment for me, lol.   But, this time, I happened to find the book on slave trade, a second time (where it'd been placed just apparently nudged off the ledge by little cat paws), and glanced this a.m. at the date.   October 24th.  Was that yesterday?   I squint at the calendar.   Oh, that's today!   I gathered her geology library books, also, and maybe can return them today, for once, on time!  

Today is "hike the local park with cool geology" day for M.   She did not wish to wake up today, but she dressed warmly and in layers, and I sent the water bottle.  I was hoping the high of 53 degrees F would have come true by now.   I think she had art this a.m. and hiking in the afternoon, only a few degrees warmer, and windier.   Maybe it was beautiful in the fall colors:)

Today is pack everything washed and folded to return to her dad's today, day, along with the notice of a horse show on Sunday that M signed herself up for yesterday.   Oh, she's all excited for it, assuming, hopeful.   There's a show in December, also, so that notice was sent as well, as she'll be with him that day.   M knows who she's signed up to ride, and what classes, telling me she'd like new gloves, too.   Um, yeah, she usually waits until she has several holes in her riding gloves before she decides it's okay to get new ones, ha.   I even asked her a couple weeks ago.  

Sent the individual pictures order form along, too, with my check.   We'll see what she gets sent in to wear for tomorrows photos.   Yet, as she agrees, even if we know we'll likely do makeup photos this year, if we don't order them initially, we can't order makeups.   Somehow.  I don't get that.  

There were issues w/ school pictures in the past.   He'd not reimburse me even if C said he would and please order some for him, or last year, he demanded to M that she bring up several photos for her to mail from his home.   I actually couldn't find them, ends up I think I'd left them at my mothers or something, so I offered to him when I saw him in person, to take my photo of her, and I'd just get another when I refound the photos.   Or, he could have reordered some.   C told M on picture day morning, or Sh did?, that he'd just take some of what I ordered, yet never discussed it with me.    I told M today that it's really not a big deal for him to get one or two, but if he wants several, I've already ordered a packet, so he can just chose whatever add-on selection he wants, get however many or as few.  

C called M last night, via my cell phone.   We were driving to dance rehearsal.   He asked if M was close by, and I gave the phone on to her.   Apparently Si had called her, but M's phone's been turned off (Grandma / my mother, and I have both called M, too, lol), or if on the home phone, well, we got in late Sunday, hadn't listened to messages yet.   No one calls us, hardly, the main Girl Scout leader showed up on caller id and pfft, that can wait.   (I did e-mail her.)  M was asked about the feis, and M gave me a look like NO WAY when I pointed out the horse show flyer to her, for Sunday as in she is not bringing that up with him right then.   Her choice.   M's told, basically, to bring a halloween costume tonight.   None of hers sufficed this a.m., and I put away the bag with the two orange shirts to turn into pumpkins argh, somewhere I can't locate now, last minute.   She isn't too anxious this time, however, like in previous years when they go plan events with Si and tell M to get a costume that matches her little sisters (um, with me paying, and yet if I'm paying, can't it be of M's chosing??).   Yet, I'm to locate something for her, well, she was beingnice and so I told her I'd try, and I will.

Oh, and this is "get everything finalized" today for the senior official for my entire organization will be visiting tomorrow.  It's actually a bit exciting:)   This person has come previously, and is a pretty personable and smart person.   It really is great to have the visit, to most of the regional offices that we have.  None other has done this.

Just hoping I find my eyeglasses sometime sooner than later -- having been SO tired Sunday night, while M was wide awake so worked on homework, including some not due until TOMORROW, lol, I nodded off possibly without removing my glasses first.   My over a decade-old ones are okay for driving, but too Ugly Betty for, um, general purposes:)

Tonight?   Either SLEEP and lots of it!, or mild dancing with friends, or going out with a friend to see a band at a restaurant and yet I'm too tired for that methinks, and this friend does have someone else going, too, so she won't be left alone if I cancel out.

I will decide shortly if I'm going private or not with this.  Thanks for the e-mails and comments:)

Monday, October 23, 2006

so who all IS reading this?

I may need to take this to "private."   I know "my" readers who post comments, or who e-mail me, and that's great:)   I had hoped to be able to stay public, so in theory, I can help explain the scrambled life of one with ADHD.   But, it's not my main focus, anyway, I suppose.   If you'd like to stay on my "private" listing, please let me know:) 

-- Robin

Feis (ROI)

The Rhythm of Ireland / Virginia Beach feis was actually pretty great!   I'm tired, really paying for it today.   What a time suck it is, but, M enjoyed herself, she did really really great, too, but if it's not fun then it stops, and it was fun, too.  I got to meet someone!, and yeah, life goes on.  I will elaborate more later, or, that's my intent.    


Having someone unfamiliar with a feis come visit, is a bit interesting -- M's cousins were obviously getting bored, but wanting to see HER, and excited when M had gotten a 1st or 2nd or something else fun:)   

M had already had a girlfriend, L, check on M's score, too, a 2nd ! (overall, two 2nd places, one each in slip jig and treble jig) great job! out of something like 20 dancers, a 5th on her (regular) jig that she felt she did real poorly on, out of about 20 dancers again, so yeah really, and an "oops I forgot my step" smile laughing at herself during hornpipe, even the judged smiled with her, M said later, not placing.   The prizewinner reel would likely have been a 4th, and L fell? so I think a 5th, but the judge gave only 1-3rd places, and M was not upset, she was feeling happy with herself and fine. :)

But, I digress, of course, I'm tired AND, um, don't tend to think linearly all the time.

I didn't know how bored Mike would be, I appreciate that he visited there cuz you just don't know what someone will think.   This was a very nicely done feis, held in a nice hotel with the family entry fee included in registration, so neither Mike nor I nor anyone else had to pay an entry fee "at the door."   I prefer this method.   

It went slowly through novice.  I think Mike saw Treble Jig and Hornpipe, both hardshoe dances, and yes, different speeds were allowed for Hornpipe.   I really liked this fiddler's style of playing, always a live musician, and Niall also seemed to be attuned to when a dancer was ending the dance, anyway, scheduled or not:)    (Jig, slip jig, and reels, are all soft shoes / ghillies).   

I'd forgotten about the wigs -- we talked more about colors and designs and a touch on level of competition and how it's all run.   It'd have likely been more fun to see a SHOW, or a hanging out hearing a band and feeling compelled to dance moment.   Anyway, MikeV's comments (copied from his journal    I'm Going Sane in a Crazy World :   It was a lot of fun.  I also got to see and learn a bunch about Irish dancing.  My ex used to play the Fief, but no dancing.  I can pick up the beat of anything so the differences of the dances was lost on me since the difference seemed to be speed.  The funny thing was that if you needed to find someone and said the one with the Shirley Temple curls it would have been like being in Mexico and saying yeah the tanned guy with black hair.

My reply:  Yeah, that is true:)   Readers, imagine Mike's face when I tried to explain sock glue to him, lol, albeit he could see my daughter reapplying duct tape onto the tips of her hardshoes, so explaining that duct tape is a necessity was easier:)   Ah, but Mike left JUST before the treble reel, which is more fun for the audience who claps along, and at the end, ALL the dancers (many) dance the same step together, and it's fun:)  (Okay, proud feis Mom -- M tied for 3rd in that!)    Yawn.   Is a long trip down and back.  Wish I could have spent more time, actually seen a beach there and not just highway and the hotel, and focus more on meeting up instead of the feis.   Ah, well, next time:)   -- Robin

We hadn't traveled to a feis before (well, Delaware Feis is just a couple hours away, so we did that and back in one day, but not previous to THIS summer, as she wasn't that interested until this summer).   It was really fun to go down Saturday night -- even if we spent Saturday DAY with M finalizing research and some homework, and me housework and laundry and the dog walker/feeder scheduled, etc.   M hosted a few of the girls in our room which worked out as ours was the only one with a microwave, and I'd brought popcorn.    Some of us parents got together for a bit, also, including teacher Ma, and we met a musician, Mark Annigan??? who recognized me from helping often at two other feseana's closer to his home area, and an impeccably dressed woman who I noticed on Sunday was one of the judges (she never had M, but also didn't meet M).   

Being tired is something to watch for, but being relaxed and closer-knit, being supportive of each other, has it's good points, too.  

Naturally, M slept the entire way back, so the "quick" last bit of Spanish and the math she was to finish in the car didn't get done (both started on, and science study guide finished enroute down and other stuff before we left).  BUT, it does mean she felt wide awake and somehow really on a roll with it, her mind able to just jump to the right ideas, etc.   Persona Secretivo ended up being Sponge Bob for this week, rofl, I helped her look up words like pineapple and porous.   Others are to try to guess it.   We did some last touches on her science presentation due today, she wide awake, lol, me, NOT.

I remember when she started putting all her research and ideas on the boards for this project.   Um, honey, perhaps get it all organized into sections, separate your papers out into groupings, start off talking of the mountains in Maryland in general, and then get more specific as to each one you're presenting about.   She was, surprisingly to me, really appreciative, "THANKS MOM!"   Okay, great!   She hadn't thought to get it organized first.   Guess that's part of what they are learning now, and what will always be a struggle for her, and me, but I also analogized it to a paper in terms of organizing this.   This morning, she retweaked some wording, and decided to demonstrate how a, um, nanock??? have to look it up, Sugarloaf Mountain was formed this way, by everything else around it eroding away, instead of a, um, the type where two ridges push up against each other.   Dag, I even studied this, in depth, read a lot of it with her, or in addition, I really LIKE the great variety of geology in Maryland.   Anyway, removed the dog treat that'd fallen into the sand pail of tiny shells, and she'll use shaking (wind) and water (rain) to demonstrate erosion, with a little coffee measuring spoon holding up some that'll not be eroded away.   Somehow. 

So, feis?  Ack, next time, know in advance when going down, or if too much else going on, don't go.  This was further than I was thinking, some of it nice driving, but not on 95.    Then again, I think M's aware of anything to work on for the one coming up, this was a really nice feis, even all broke for lunch at the SAME time which means no stressing over when each stage will go, and trying to not miss a competition at another stage, etc., meaning, she ATE lunch.   Hard to get her to eat during a feis, too wound / nervous, or too pumped up, or both.    She had a great time, and wanted to do this.  And, she DID get ALL of her homework done.   Yawn!

Friday, October 20, 2006

So, what happened with homework planning?!

Have to start off -- GO CARDINALS!   YEAH YEAH!   :)   Wow was that exciting.   I didn't get to watch any, as we were doing homework / housework / dinner / chores stuff, but wow.   BJ says it gave him a heart attack (so happy and, well, last minute, last inning, last game.)

It's a sunny day with fast moving puffy clouds and a flag looking as if it won't fly off the pole, but take the pole with it as it leans.........   then rainy, really heavy heavy downpouring black skies raining, then sunny again, and windy windy windy.   M goes, "I thought today was supposed to be like yesterday?" 

Some of the week has included trying to fit in various homework -- a "busy work" homework, which anyone who knows me knows I despise busywork homework, was due today, requiring a library visit.   M knew this last Friday but off with her dad for the weekend so that's basically a wash for visiting libraries (other homework was worked on).   Tuesday would have been great, Wednesday a maybe, but she remembers this on Wednesday night, too late.   UGH.   Tuesday night had been late fitting in homework for Wednesday...... oh, the easy part of writing a paragraph but still, if she'd remembered to bring home the paper, she could have simply rewritten a paragraph provided (nicely writing a new one was an option).   Thursday a.m., great, early, even the found out just Wednesday bit (epilogue of book also included in must read by), DONE.   Spent some time talking with her about how she plans her work out, we always talk about what is due when, but she doesn't always seem to remember, honestly speaking, or she's forgotten some little piece.   Everything is too much to carry, I agree, and her fancy calculator was at school, but we didn't think our cell phones could do negative numbers.....   fine, I can use one, too, bought a $4.99 one to keep at home.

So M and I talked again, she needs to restart using her planner again, or find some other way to keep organized.  

She's in a feis on Sunday, just had the charity / leukemia performance canceled for Saturday (no appropriate stage, I really wanted M to do that show, too, for her troupe-mate even, and local).   M WANTS to go to the feis Saturday afternoon and stay over, it's a drive, and everyone else going is staying over.   That costs money, of course, which I don't have - another reason why the performance Saturday was good as it made for a good excuse to drive on Sunday.   I'd feel better about it if child support had arrived, but nothing yet almost 3 weeks late again.   (There's a ceili Saturday night, also, a fun family one, but eh, we'll see.  And visiting my mother on Saturday for a festival local to her that we've all gone to in the past........)

M was all excited earlier this week when I told her what high school football games were going on locally tonight, and she's remembered, before she heard about it on the radio.   Heck, she even checked to see if the St. Louis Cardinals had won last night:)   lol   Her good friend, Md's older brother used to play for one of the high schools, and M is scheduled to attend the other.  MY former high school is playing "our" rivals, too, and, lol, M was cute, figured she'd get herself a ride to "her" game, so I could attend the other:)   Ah, but honey, the fun is in going together.   We haven't been to one all year.   A high schooler in the youth group plays for Md's brothers school, and a senior high girl, also in youth, plays in the band for "M's" high school to be.   It'll be fun, windy, but fun.

To let M know how serious I was about no more last minute forgot squeeze in stuff, as well as we can hep it, I told her she must have a plan for when and how she was doing her homework due Monday, before she went to any game.   Her favorite place is "the barn," and yet, she thought she might skip the chance to go there today, which I told her meant great, she can get one of her Spanish assignments done, or start math.   It was a nice conversatoin, repeated on the ride to school.   She was to call me when she got out.

Yep, got the call, she's getting in or in a carpool car with her friend and another classmate whose mother is driving, and going to Md's house and the game.......   I can't hold up the entire carpool line, and her potential ride.   She's done minimal socializing, BUT.   I okayed her taking the carride, if she called me when she got to Md's (whose mother did verify I knew where M was! lol, I think the girls planned this, really, Md was going, anyway).   M did call me.   I asked her what her plan was, and she didn't know what I meant, lol, HOMEWORK, child!  Huh, oh.....   She told me the game plan for the game:)   Do you have warmer clothes (bleachers + wind + bare legs = COLD), borrowing, do you have money?   I told her I could meet her at the game itself, but she MUST get at least 1 hour of homework done first.   Oh, good, they can work on the science project together.

Ah, heck, not as if I've felt like doing any work today, either:)   Most of those I work with were off this afternoon, it's as if there's a feeling in the air, it's Friday, let's play, yeah!   I can't imagine the excitement in Detroit or St. Louis.   But, M had to have a plan.   It was her deal with me.   Most of her homework is not busy work, yet, it still seems like SO MUCH.    It's almost as if youth are expected to work harder than adults at times, as so many of us don't bring work home (some do, I have).   Kids should have time to play, time to be athletic, or hang out, try a hobby, time for chores and family, but wow, SO much homework and I know this isn't even much comparatively.

At least she can read while driving, usually, and a few hours will knock out a fair bit of reading (not due for a couple weeks, still), maybe some final writing of one of her Spanish assignments about a secret persona.  Yeah, I want to play, too, lol, or take a nap.......

Kids:)   She is a good one, and even wants to complete all of her homework properly, no cheating on it, just not organized.   Me, her parent with ADHD, is going to help guide her on how to be more organized.   I'm laughing, while not.   And, actually, I've learned a few tricks about it all.   This parenting bit, though, well, I have to laugh in a way, her so excited, knowing I'd tentatively okayed the game, conveniently forgetting to plan out her homework first:)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

O'Malley / Ehrlich debate

Watch The Governor's Debate

I haven't gotten to watch it yet myself, but I heard "Bobby" gets a bit unhinged.  :)

Ticked at myself........

M is in a show this afternoon, oh yes, going on right now, and I'm not there.   For my own fault.  I checked out directions a week ago or so, but the map for that location only showed the most local of roads there, and, um, it's in the suburbs of another main city, not "my" main city (DC).  I talked with another parent briefly, oh okay, from my understanding of what she'd said, and this week and again this morning, looking at a map I have, I figured a full hour to get there.   Nope, finally did an online directions bit, 1 hour 37 minutes, what, wait?   That's not counting traffic into the festival and parking and walking, either.   I was doomed, I'd not be there in time, spending too long at my father's to have allowed an additional 40 minutes driving..........  URGH.  (Actually, I had to do the directions as if coming from my mother's or else those online directions tell me to go way south, around, and up, and not, well, cross-state and then over, so I really had to add another 20 minutes to the 1 hour 37 and sigh, REALLY doomed to miss my sunshine.)

They should be having a blast:)  I can imagine them in their regular dance school dresses, not in the backup if it's hot dresses, as it's NOT hot out, nope, perfect weather for dancing, really, just cool enough to stay not overly heated.   I want to see her, I wanted to be there, I'm always there for her, except once when I was chaperoning a retreat but she knew that in advance.   UGH, I'm so ticked.  I hope the volunteer school photographer is there:)   I hope M is having fun, not too worried I"m not there, gosh I feel badly.   I e-mailed her, but she's mostly not allowed online any more once Sh figured out I e-mail M sometimes (even though contact is to be encouraged).   I did call M last night (not that she's likely to even get the message).  

I'm wearing M's rings, that she'd left by mistake, cuz I know she wants them.  I want to know how her wrist is -- practicing one of thee coolest of dances, albeit TOO many dancers in it this year, IMHO, M hurt her wrist again, so she went to school Friday a.m. in my wrist brace, deciding no to a doctor, but still in some pain......  so I hope it's okay today:)

It's sunny and bright and I think high 60's outside, not sure, but almost chilly even with a polartec top over two layers, for ME, I bet it's gorgeous and fun.  She loves dancing and performing:) and her 4-year old half-sister, Si, will be there to watch, and it's a family-style festival.....   UGH, didn't wish to interfere per se, just wanted to watch M, share with her, her moments.

Sigh.  I know I'm a good mom.   I know I'm a good daughter, still stopping by Dad's today just cut it short, so I could see M, cuz I knew he expected me today, still getting him to change clothes, pick up the trash and put it out, go through mail and etc., talked w/ the dogwalking neighbor, bless her, she brings up Dad's newspaper every day to the carport from the road.   A neighbor who isn't judging, a neighbor who is just trying to help, gosh, not interfere negatively, we can really use that.    Heck, I'm even a good pet owner.

I just didn't wish to screw up not seeing M this afternoon.  And, I hope she's not too disappointed, too.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Friends are good to have:)

Friends are good to have:)
"You've been with me through this the whole time." Yes, I have, but I'd do it again if I had to, and I was glad I did, and now we only have forward to go:)
And, yet, lol, neither of us have money for flights right now then again, they are pretty cheap! "You better!" visit, he says. I will, babe.

And Doug even called me today, my brother. I'd called him yesterday for something, we'd talked then. But, he called back, 1.5 hours the second time he called today. Hey, every once in a purple moon, we get that amount of time, so I stayed talking.
I'm happy for him, starting his own business this week, with a business partner:) A bit amused how it all came about, but, he's in a good position for doing this right now. It fits him.
At one point he mentioned that he should have become a lawyer. Well, yeah that he has most of the skills for that, and a couple in our family ARE even, but I simply said, "Yeah, but you'd have to deal with people." lol Neither of us are the type to have "welcome" on our doormat. He does well at sales, actually,

He does well at sales, really well (he won't bulls#$@ and just gets to the point and deals actually, but broken down, that is different from dealing with someone for an entire case. not that we talked long on that point.
He was checking on me, am I ready for a thing going on Monday that I'd gotten worried about.

I guess I am -- a guy I'd gone on a blind date with some eons ago is helping me out. He and I work on paper and phone, I'd could be a friend with him, but eh, he, ah, didn't present himself quite fully honestly, which would be okay, but it's um, not.  So our weekends didn't mesh for many months, which I was glad about, and then they did but, he stopped asking and I felt relieved:) Now, I need his expertise. So okay.... and he seemed real happy to hear from me, and to offer his services.  

No one's compared to BJ for me, so why should I stay trying to search out dates, eh?   I'd been encouraged to, so I tried.   Blech.  

Doug will find a plumber for Dad, YES. We got to talk a fair bit about my father, after my stuff and his stuff. That was good. We hadn't had a chance previously for me to simply explain that Dad's dementia is really dementia now, and the actual status of his health.  I wasn't preaching, wasn't trying to say "I do all of this, so why can't you help out?" At one point I did say, after mentioning that I think Dad needs a proper diagnosis, that I just haven't had the time to do any more than I have, and I know he doesn't have extra time, either / has been busy. And he doesn't, and he has been busy. Not as if I am not busy with, well, life. But whatever. Update on some of dad's financial stuff, house, gosh, whatever, including the cell phone being lost again but I'd found his wallet/id, that I try to clean a bit more each time. Doug said he will try to make calls today about a plumber (wow, TODAY? next week works, too, but, today would be awesome). Said he'd find help, if he did it himself which he
suspects will be it with an "ick" factor in his foice, and I said, well, I had to clip his nails, toenails even, last week, (which was, well, ick), AND I do his laundry all the time, and his shopping, and his trash, even the cleaning I can get to.  Guess I should help Dad get this weeks trash picked up, though, and maybe Dad could do more (ugh, when is it enabling, and when is he just NOT able to? I think more and more, he's not able to), before Doug and/or a plumber stops by.
At least I got Dad's heat turned on last visit. Not that I can figure out how to set the temperature, but I did switch it from "cool" to "heat." lol, yep, I can do that much:) This thing is programmable, though, so I can't do much more than that, especially in limited lighting. I'd replaced lightbulbs, but not in that hallway / different bulbs there. Dad can't replace them, egads, standing on a chair? He'd hurt himself. And if a light is on, it tends to STAY on, until however many days later.  Maybe M can help me figure out how to program the thermostat.
Talked recently to another friend of mine, him trying to offer support and help me out:) Gosh, sigh. I suppose I could have asked for help and support previously, too, but, I didn't feel I could ask more than, say, Doug or my dad. And BJ knows but he's not local. Sweet guy:) but, he's not local. Anyway, talking w/ my other friend was good, too. He'd gotten updated diagnosis for his 7 year old son, how that boy could get so old already I don't know!, but I'm thankful cuz my friend and his ex-wife think it's amore accurate diagnosis.... Sometimes, I wish I could really like-like this friend. He'd be good to me, he is good to me, and into most things Irish even.  His family is nice, his kids great, he has things we are friends for, but. Reasons I won't list, but, we wouldn't make it longterm. Not that he nesc. minds, lol. And, friends being there "all along" over time, isn't a bad thing, either.

"love put your records on, play me your favorite song....." is going through my head. Such a great song:)

I sometimes have trouble facing things -- I finally talked w/ a girlfriend of mine about some stuff, then it felt easier, I was ready to deal finally, I thought, then got way busy, but when I was more capable of reaching out, not just her but started with her, these other friends, and Doug, too, they cared, they're supportive:)   Dealing sometimes mean, well, pain, or hurt, or unpleasant stuff.   I do think sometimes that my senses pick up more stimuli than other peoples senses do (I know that's true for my skin, more sensory perceptors per square centimeter than for anyone else in my entire 11th or 12th grade science class).   I also try to see the person behind each face.   I like people, usually, just more one on one or in small groups, and not too often.   Things can be overwhelming to me sometimes, taking it all in.   This particular thing got really scary, too part of Friday.

Oh, somefelineone opened up the curtains. Daisy is fed and resting again. I meant to grocery shop today, but napped. I needed it, not quite well all week.  M is dancing at afestival tomorrow. Not that C (or Sh) would respond to the coordinator a yes or no, as required at least 2 weeks in advance, until Ma herself called them on Tuesday (she called me to get the # first, didn't say WHY but, all was resolved by Wed., so hey, I don't need or want to know what all was said, Si dances there, too, now, just glad this was resolved).
She's also knowing in advance this time that she CAN go dance, with those friends, and for C (or maybe Sh through C), is allowing this:) Oh, C did strongly suggest that I have M try out for this studios dancing troupe, and Si should enjoy the family festival, so hey. If they had conflicts, just say. For him, saying now is a huge commitment.   It's not close to here, but, I'll go see her. I can't for some of them, just due to the nature of the performance venue itself, this her first one with this troupe:)  Packed her all up Friday a.m., the main school dress and a backup one, depending on the weather, the new!! tiara which we both like. That's good, they're $20. amazingly enough and she has one, but, this matches every girl dancer has the same one. The one boy has beautiful long hair, but, no tiara :)

Doug's telling me that the trip to a feis next weekend will take longer than I was thinking, ugh...... BUT, he was asking me the "where and what time" details when I mentioned that M is dancing in his town next weekend, also.

And the ever-present cat, or two or three, in my lap or nearby:)  Indie was my feline-lover boy today for a long time, after Ms. Liberty left.  

Friday was one of those mornings when M wanted extra time and hugs with me, and with Daisy, and just to be home, but also a shower (a last shave under the arms before not having shaver access for a few days, for one thing).   Invariably I still have at least one piece of her clothing from her dads in the dryer to pack up, plus packing up her dresses / tiara / bloomers/ bubble socks / wig / etc. for the show Sunday.   I figured I'd just shower and dress after dropping M off at school.   She clearly could use help carryingall her things in, so I offered to do so, or call her friend over who'd just gotten out of his mother's SUV, also.   M had commented earlier to me how she believes that particular pair of sweats are too short on me, huh? just fine if I'd had socks on.   Whatever.   Now she looks at me, "Mom, PLEASE, whatever you do, DON"T get out of the car."  LOL, okay, honey, can you get it all?  Not easily she couldn't, plus practicing a dance Thursday night had her wrist hurting again, but, she made sure she got it all herself, lol.  

I'd pulled her purse over -- they were going to learn about how to conduct research at the library and she wanted to take her card.   Almost 44,000 people have library cards registered through "our" particular library, that's noisy and cramped, but, they're trying.   I figured I best teach her respect by showing respect, such as knocking on the bathroom door before bringing in some breakfast, or having HER go through her own purse.   We'd both left the purse while gathering everyone else.   Oh, well:)  

Later, most of the weekend so far, actually, I've worn M's shoes (they fit, they're better than mine...).   Didn't reach her when I called, but I'll see her tomorrow, hopefully. If it's not M who is calling me back, it still makes me smile when I check caller id, and see that BJ was the last one to call me....   oh, yeah, I'm feeling real good about he and I again:)   Wearing my claddagh earrings from BJ again, too.

Ah, Daisy has probably had 4 decent walks already today, but is sitting by me, wagging her tail, soft whine, paw up on my leg. At least it's a touch warmer out now!   This a.m. was heavy coating most everything white frost, definitely below freezing overnight.   One perfect light brown/blonde leaf beautifully encased in frost as if a maple syrup candy.
Alright, girl, I'm here for Daisy, too:)


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

the "little" things:)

Ever take the time to notice the "little" things, that actually aren't so little?

A few I've noticed the past couple weeks:

- Bus Transfer:  I was stranded without my vehicle, and no money.  (Lesson learned: NEVER leave home without ANY money, if possible.)   Not enough cash at home to hail a taxi and pay him/her when we arrived, my brother out of state for a few days, I walked, and walked.   I asked directions from one couple to be sure I was headed correctly.  She said she'd offer money (I had NOT asked for) if she had it.  I smiled, thanked her, and said, "If we all get to where we're headed, safely, we're doing fine!"   To the large bus stop and walked past it about a mile or so to my father's, spent some time there with him (including explaining to him a couple times why I wasn't getting him groceries right then), and he offered all of his cash, all $7. of it.   Like I knew he would, like I would for him.   Walking the mile or so back to the big bus stop.  Thankful I realized "my" bus route, after figuring out which one it'd be, didn't run that late that afternoon before wasting an hour waiting.   The replacement bus was a few minutes late, as if any of us could do anything about that, so we waited.   I'd figured out the bus fare, $1.25, wondering if I'd get chastised for not having $1.25 exactly, but $2.00.  Heck, keep the change, I don't care.   Ah, it's here.   Mild jostlingly along with others, a young woman / older girl (student??) held a slip of paper in my face, offering it up.   "Oh, thanks, um, will this get me on?"   It was her bus transfer, she hadn't needed, and yes, it gave me a free pass:)   After such a really rough day, it truly had me trying not to cry right there in public, finally, riding home, and with a touch of kindness.  I gave Dad back his full $7. the next day.

-  Finding an author you love.   Ah, yes, while at the Border's we visited last weekend, hearing Michael Yugo and others, a treat in itself, M and I spent hours.   She finally happened upon a book she was really enjoying, something like "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life," by Wendy Mass.    "Mom, ever have an author just write in such a way....." she basically went on to describe that magical moment when words draw you in and just cannot be put down.   It'd been a few hours, fireworks were done (outside), yeah, another "little" thing we got to share even tho it'd been rainy, I had a coupon, so I promised her I'd buy it.   M looked up the author, wow, the author had also written "A Mango-Shaped Space" which was one of M's very favorite books last year or so.   "No wonder I like this one!"   The Mango book had a protaganist with synthesia, which, ironically was one of the things I was reading about in a magazine there that night.  I showed M the examples the magazine had.

- Finding Dad's license.   Okay, finding BOTH of his driver's licenses, both expired the same date, one obviously a replacement for the other later found.   How many years have they been lost?   I wasn't too fond of going behind his side table and his couch, and under them, just, well, a bit icky.   The wallet was trashed.  Neither of us cared:)   We didn't find his cell phone, STILL missing, but, thrilled, he has identification again now:)  

- Finding my shoes.   Okay, I have more than one pair of shoes, but not a ton, as M even says, I need shoes.   I have one pair of black "winter" shoes, with a touch of a heel, and a buckle each, on the outside.  I can wear them with jeans, or some dresses.   It's turned cold.   Where they heck were they?   Finally, M thought I should look in my dance shoe bag.   Oy, yes, they were in THERE, from the last performance in September, for me to wear when not dancing in the dance shoes.  I guess I wore my somewhat new slide-on sneakers that day (I also need a pair of "winter" sneakers).   It's good to find ones shoes:)

- Playing a board game.  M loves to play board games, and we hadn't in a while.   Life gets in the way, other activities.   As we were to watch a whole musical based upon the game, Clue, with my mother a couple weekends ago (Flat Stanley joined us!), I'd splurged, bought us the board game of Clue.   Sunday, after dinner w/ Mom and Bob, the four of us played Clue, a few times.   Spending family time really isn't so little a thing:)

- Homemade applesauce.   M wasn't feeling her best yesterday a.m., didn't really wish to get up and go to school, was to see her dad last night, struggle to get going.   She's always liked my applesauce, which is one of the few things I actually enjoy cooking.   She had helped me this time, too, adding "pumpkin spice."   I scooped up all of the last of it into a container and sent it in her lunch:)

- Couple extra moments.   Some mornings, I can take a few moments and not just wake up M, but go in and lie/lay next to her (except she's under covers and I"m over) and give her a hug, just talk w/ her gently, whatever.   Often Daisy will join, or a cat or two.   Not this a.m. as she was at her father's, but, some mornings.   I do always give her a kiss and call her Sunshine:)

- Remembering PE class.   M insisted on wearing her Crocs yesterday to school.   I hate those shoes.   Well, I'd likely like them, perhaps even a lot, except they do not fit.  Sh bought them over a full size too big, accidently as they say both 6 and 8 on them, and those things are SO wide, anyway.   Without socks.   "Don't you at least want to take socks with you, what if you go riding or spend time at the barn?"   Okay, fine, it was to be 82 F or so (yesterday), and she'd only be outside for recess, she thought.   Whatever, her choice on a morning she just wanted to stay home as it was.   I realized after I dropped her off, that she was going to have "physical expressions" today.   C and Sh don't really care for M to wear her sneakers (athletic shoes) from their home, while she's at our home, so I had no reason to assume she'd be sent in them, unless M herself remembered.   Okay, okay, pack up dance clothes so Grandma can p/up M for dance class, dance shoes, and, yes, kangaroo sneakers, before PE.   I did NOT wish to interrupt class, either one of the groups they'd broken into.   Students from one group saw me, and teacher Mo from the other group saw me.  I smiled and held up the mesh bag, pointing that I'd leave it outside the door.   Mo smiled back, and "body-language" indicated that she'd seen me, she sees the bag, M will get it later at break time, and all is fine, a few seconds of communication.   M and I didn't see each other, but that's okay -she wasn't left in Crocs for her athletic kicking ball time or whatever they did today.  

Little blessings, if we just look enough to notice them:)

The Next Day

Isn't that always when the truth comes through, when something is really tested as to its merits and whether or not it really stood the test of time, was worth it?

I messed with my hair as closely as I could to how my hairdresser, Robin, showed me just yesterday.  Hmm.  Not quite the look she'd accomplished, still looks as if *I* did it, but, it still looks good (IMHO).   Caught a look of myself in the restroom mirror, and naturally, of my hair that I"m actually wearing DOWN today.  Hmmm, hours later, somhow both a bit flattened and frizzed, yeah, it's acceptable.   Nice when it works.

Heard an artist new to me last weekend, Michael Yugo.   He played acoustically, as did another man and a woman.   M and I both enjoyed the artistry of the others, particularly the womans, and her voice, in the background as we wandered around one of the Borders within driving range, reading a bit of this, a lot of that......  Michael Yugo's, however, just had a style and songs I really liked.   After all the sets were done, I mentioned to him that I'd really enjoyed his stuff, but I hadn't caught his name, etc.   He'd run out of cd's (which I hadn't asked for, but admittedly, thought I'd enjoy), so went outside to his car and behold, he had another.  He GAVE it to me, titled "A sampler for you," said he was embarrassed enough to have his likeness on there, never mind sign it.  He was very personable, "real" as it were, talked w/ us about this drum-like piece of equipment he has (M's dance teacher, Ma, would likely really enjoy it), and he's not in his young 20's like some of the other artists whom M and I sometimes run into.   It was great, and we listened enroute home.   We both agreed we'd not have wanted a cd of the woman's, oh, her last song inspired on 9/11, was one we liked, but most of her stuff sounded all the same and, well, not THAT special.   His work, I was thrilled to have a cd of.   BTW -- MikeV -- Michael Yugo is going to Virginia Beach the weekend of October 27-29, hoping to confirm a booking at a Jewish center of some sort, I don't know the names of places there.

The next day, I popped in the cd sampler, song 5 I believe.   Have to admit, many times, listening to an entire cd after the live show just gets too boring, almost as if a let down.   M didn't know what cd I'd put in, or if it was the radio.  "Mom, I like this song, is that from the guy from last night?"   Yanno what, I was liking it, too!  Yep, we've got a winner this time:)   Check him out:

It's always nice when everyone's still smiling, the next day, eh?   ;)

Oh, and sorry, no pics yet of me with my new "do."  I haven't been able to upload photos onto this journal since summer, and I have one I LIKE of the Portland Head Light, sigh.  Not that anyone's been around to take a photo of me, anyway.  If I GET a new photo, I'll e-mail it to anyone who asks (whom I know something of), but am not eager to post one too identifying of myself or my child.   Weirdos come online, too.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Sundays Full Moon

SO big, SO bright, SO full.   Perfect, really.

We'd been at my mothers / stepfather Bob's place, boardgame of Clue after dinner.   Earlier, M wanted to play frisbee with me, a miniature frisbee I had difficulty altering my depth perception for, to catch it properly.   I do better throwing it.  It was a mite frustrating.  It reminded me of those little tiny specks of white against a sky blue background, coming out of nowhere visible, suddenly appearing way too close and way too fast to my face or limbs, unable to catch the ball.   I was always put in the way outfield, bored out of my mind, unable to see but not realizing my disadvantage, years before my parents, teachers, or I realized my need for eyeglasses which clarified and brought the world to me like I'd see it in photographs.  I used to study photographs sometimes extra carefully; they looked so different from my vision of reality.

This moon, wow, it was huge against the darker sky.  Nothing like a little speck of white.  I smile now when I see a full moon:)   No longer do I feel any twinge of heart pains, angst, or wonderings so much, if I see a full moon and am reminded of Brian and I, all those many months ago at Assateague one January.    Nah, we've resolved all that now.   I will still always carry a piece of him in my heart, and he'll always carry a piece of me in his:)   And, that works.   Even in our lives now, full of those we also love and care for.   We'll just always know that we'll always be special to each other, too.  In our own way, we're always there for each other.


It's been a while coming, even scheduled for previously and then had to cancel out, but, finally got my hair cut again. :)   Likely 8 inches worth? or so?   It'd gotten too stringy looking for my tastes, and is still long, just past my bra strap, but thicker looking again.   My everpresent bangs restyled to the "popular" style now, aka "Devil Wears Prada" 's assistant's look.   Surprisingly, it shows less grey than before, too.  (To color or not is something I really don't wish to have to face; I like the idea of going natural but I don't like looking OLD.   Right now, eh, it's not horrible.)

I'm glad I've kept it long still this time, this haircut:)   I can carry it; it still looks good.   Feels really short (had it really gotten that long?), but, I'm pleased:)  

M's is just BEAUTIFUL when hers is long, and I'm not sure just how long she wishes to grow it out this time, but she likes it short enough for her to manage herself.   I do believe that should be her choice to make, so I let her.   My mother preferred mine short, ha, but it wasn't short once I could make my own choice.  I love long hair, kept decently.


Saturday, October 7, 2006

Child's Innocence, Adult worries

Rainy sleepy Saturday good for laundry and cat cuddles and less so long walks with the dog albeit she did get one. :)
A lot for this past week. M's perception? When asked what she wishes to pray about, for the church to consider and raise up for us, she finally came up with thanks that our animals are healthy. Well, and she and I, and yes that is a good one, really. And, I am thankful. Then, last night, ah I love Fridays when she comes home with me, pouring rain out. I'd used M's rainboots in the morning, and they were still out. She smiled, put them on, and went puddle jumping:) lol Got SOAKED! lol but so happy, poured out the water from her boots OUTSIDE our door, and came in for a long warm shower. If someone were to ask her, she'd say life is good:) Well, she's 12, a preteen, so all that angst and there was confusion Monday, but, she's happy with school, rode Corey yesterday before the heavier rain. Life for her IS pretty good.
And, I don't complain. Take away last Saturday which was hell , and the parts of Monday where C was being noncommunicative and things didn't work as they should have which is all actually a long-term problem, and my week's been fine.
Today, I suppose, is the Saturday I couldn't have last week, except M and I both looked forward to an Oktoberfest today. We shall see. Tomorrow might be Girl Scouts and I felt burnt out last night when the main leader called, RIGHT when Grey's Anatomy was coming on. The only show I'm watching these months, so I figured I'd catch the phone message instead.
Maybe a practice dance "feis" class today -- one of M's friends is going and M could use it, laundry, Grandma / Bob, and also church and my father. Saturdays are my down days in the week. That and Sunday mornings. We all need some downtime in our lives, that balance.
Mostly yesterday and this week, I've thought of two people whom I care about (in addition to M, and my family). One, of course, is BJ :) What a week for him. I wish sometimes I could write more in here about him, and us, or not us, or whatever, but to do so means making this journal private, so I don't.
But, three big events for him this week, each different, and one really good one, at least, I hope he's enjoying his reunion this weekend:) I'm glad for the timing of that, for the timing of the other two THIS WEEK, wow, even with one anticipated and partially a relief. I'm glad he'll be with buddies, and heck, I don't even care if he sees a former girlfriend there, really. All three of these things are events that naturally have one focus on past, present, and future. Or, past and future, and how to live, and be, and who one is, in the now. He'll incorporate it all in, balance it out fine. He's a great guy, and has the psychological and emotional and other skills to take these things, and move on from them, and do more than fine. But, I still think of him, send him virtual hugs:)
And, a girlfriend of mine. Oh, my, I think it peaked for me more last night, M in the shower, me stressing over my friends situation, so I washed all the dishes, and on a "end of the week-looking house is not acceptable" focus, while my mind couldn't stop thinking of my friend, and I wanted to laugh with M in the puddles, but I don't also have rainboots:) She did snuggle with me after dinner, and we watched some t.v. and that it was all good:)
But, my girlfriend, oh, my. She has a lot on her plate, anyway, three young boys, one a baby, and the preschooler is disabled. While her boys were with her ex over last weekend, the preschooler got a bruise near his eye. That man isn't an abuser, but he can be neglectful, and yet, this boy is also supercharged to put it mildly, his innate nature.
On WEDNESDAY, the boys teacher finally notices the dot of a bruise that remains, flips out, and calls in social services. It'd been there since last weekend, but she didn't see it. The mother waited for her children to get off the bus and the bus driver was simply told that the mother had picked up the boys already (not the baby who was at home with the mother).
The ex, and the mother's mother, both stated that the boy had received the bruise over the past weekend, and yet my friend is STILL being accused. Never mind that her older boy is STILL being beaten up on the schoolbus (tho finally that's being handled). What my friend is going through is an absolute nightmare. I KNOW she does NOT beat her kids. AND, the ex even said she didn't do it, it'd been there, so ???? She can't afford the lawyers fees to get this worked out (oh, and was just laid off from from work, too, but hopefully "legal aide" will get back to her eventually).

My problems from last Saturday are still around, and will loom larger next week and after, BUT, this week? I'm fine with all that. As M says, we're all healthy:) And, she is happy. I'm so blessed for that. So my prayer focus right now, is more on my two dear friends....... especially my girlfriend living the most hellish thing I can imagine, falsely accused of abusing her child, oy.
Ha, even Daisy is back curled on the bed today:) I hear the load of laundry is done (rewashed from earlier this week but didn't get it into the dryer lol). M is still sleeping. I turned on the heat last night. It's supposed to be gas heat, but sometimes that clicks off and the backup electric kicks in instead. Thinking to put filter on the list, but not today. I'd have to go into the even heavier rain to get out the filter for the sizing.
A nap sounds good:) And more Saturdays. Oops, sleeping beauty is up. Need to call the place for her hoped for audition, oy. If they chose her, there's hardly time, and if they don't, will she be upset? She'll deal:)
She had a touch of vertigo? huh? not so good


Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Little Bit of Sabbath

So I sat in my chair in the sanctuary, with these others in theirs, one man in the small group with all welcome but obviously these are the regulars.   Our eyes closed, traffic noises nearby, including a siren at one point and when I hear one I always pray for those hurt or potentially hurt, so in my head, I interrupted the praying going on for this emergency.   We'd talked first, each one of us at a time, before the pastor started to lead the praying.

M and I, and I asked to include my father, for my church is his only connection to any, and I was asked about my mother and stepfather nicely, M and I were one of the few families scheduled to be prayed about specifically today.   Every Wednesday at a set time, this pastor and the group form, and pray, rotating through the last names of those within the congregation.   It used to be "all staff," but seems, apparently, it is not, as only one staff member was there this time.   Betty had called me, possibly twice, but M and I were busy at the library and then her typing / composing her essay due today, and Monday night after getting in from dance, I figured I'd just call Betty back Tuesday.  Until Tuesday flew by.   But, in my mind, and in asking M her concerns and praises, I focused for a moment upon myself, and on M, and what ARE our concerns, struggles, praises, joys, going on right now, to share with God, and with these people.

My boss left early for his meeting, and I thought, oh heck, maybe I'll just go by the church instead of trying to call them in, trying to reach Betty now, last minute.   Betty helps with the youth, and has since I, and her daughter and their neighbor boy, my high school boyfriend who was best friends at the time with C.   Betty has known all of us, and is a wonderful woman, who shows her care and love of God and people.   I'm driving up, counting down the minutes left until "prayer time."  Normally people's requests are taken in advance, not show in person, but.   I feel I could really use some prayers and uplifting right now, so I was trying to make this.   I debated calling the youth pastor, who I have in my cell phone, to ask him what doors were open.  LOL.   I tried 'my" door, anyway, and it opened, so great:)

The pastor was praying, carefully, with thought and God's guidance, over everyone there, and others who she knew could use prayer, and those request which had come in.   I'd add a few of my own, silently, when I knew the person, or I could relate to the situation.   And I cried, I didn't mean to and sometimes I thought I wasn't, but gosh, it's been a horrible set of stuff lately in some regards for me, last Saturday oy, and etc., and it is a release, and such nice things said (even Betty piped in).    And I had requested the thanks for a great new boss, whom I work well with.   I remember the pastor giving thanks for the moments together, with the busy world around us in a busy week, for a little bit of Sabbath.  And we talked of the great testiment to living of ones faith that the Amish are doing in the face of the horrible tragedy that befell many of their girls this past week.    That hour together, it WAS a little bit of a Sabbath.

There was some socializing after, also, including sharing photos of one ones new granddaughter:)   A woman I had not known before had taken my hand to let me know it was nice to meet me.  I told her it'd been nice to meet her, too, and I thanked her for what she does.  "Me?  I don't do anything."   "But, you do!, you pray every week."  "Tsk, that's nothing," said with a defeating sort of shrug.   She hadn't said a lot earlier, other than wishing to sell her home finally, and is hard of hearing, but that wasn't all of her reasons it seemed.   I stayed holding her hand, and I looked right into her eyes.  

"My late grandma was in her 90's, and she may have felt as if she had little control over helping the lives of those she loved, but she could pray.   And she did pray, and it was important.   It helps."   I meant this, and said it all very seriously, reassuringly. 

The woman almost looked as if she was going to cry.   "Thank you."

"We can all only do what we can do."  :)

I'd have likely worded it all a bit differently, but, my grandmother was not powerless, and she knew it.   She had her chair and her Bibles and books by her chair, sure, but no matter where she was, she knew she had the power of God with her, and the power of prayer:)   She had a real faith, and I know it made a difference in my life.

I'm walking towards the one set of doors, the others seemed surprised, "You parked over there?"   "Sure, I've been coming here since the 70's, this was the only entrance, and, well, I still park there."  "But, how did you get in?"   We tested the doors.   They WERE locked, lol, NOT a way to get in from the outside through those doors.   We decided that God had unlocked one of them for me, so I could get in on time:)   In our "busy lives that let us know we're alive" as the pastor also said.


Tuesday, October 3, 2006

It's too early.......

This morning (NOT now!), the clock radio alarm went off, playing music.   Having not slept well Sunday night, I was still tired and wasn't quite cognizant that the radio alarm had turned on.   Daisy jumped up on me, knowing it was time for me to rise, trying to give kisses blech, and the cats started stirring, which is somewhat interesting considering only one of the cats can hear.   Okay, okay......   "wake up, smell the catfood."  (I need to find out who has that line in his song.)

Little Tinkerbell walked on top of the radio, her wee paw pressing the power button to OFF.   Then she turned and yawned a BIG yawn, and stepped back off the radio into Bitty Babies basket, aka, a cat bed now.   ROFL, my little snooze button:)   And she's the one w/out any eardrums.  It was really cute.

Wild Child (Captain Hook) turned it back on a few moments later, having been playing with my feet when his sister turned it OFF.   After breakfast, and morning kitty treats, he did play in the "waterfall" (shower), and then took a hiking excursion for a bit with Indie, Daisy, and I.   I had to throw Captain back inside, though, cuz he wanted to rummage in the bushes, Indie was ready to walk w/ us again after months of attempts, including yesterday that was just too cold for him, and Daisy wanted to MOVE for once.

Ah, well.   M got to school in plenty of time, showered, fed, disliking the new chai tea mix I also dislike.   Life moves on:)


Sunday, October 1, 2006

Child Support / my friend was correct

Ah, so how the basic law here in my county, or perhaps my state, per the police officer I happened to ask this weekend, I can file eh, whatever it is I'd file, as soon as the child support is late, no however many days late, but as soon as it becomes late.   "You could do it right now," he said more than once, but that I'd have to do it, they / the court won't.    Well, it was a weekend, so I'm not so sure about that exactly, if I could have filed over a weekend I mean, but.   He was referring to, if need be, having the person owing child support arrested because of it.   I don't wish to go that route, especially if M or his other daughter were around, how traumatizing that could be for them; I simply wish it paid within a reasonable amount of time from when it's due (of course, if he actually had a financial hardship, then talk w/ me about it, but, he doesn't, he has money).   I shouldn't have to go waiting and waiting (and asking him simply has him get defensive combined with, potentially, making him feel that I need it so he's wanting to hold onto it even longer, being passive/aggressive, and not seeing it's for M's expenses.)   Yet, this is interesting.   My friend was correct, having said that if it were his state, 4 weeks late already, the guy would have been arrested by now.  

I pulled out said order yet again, the one just for child support.   "ORDERED, that accounting from (month) 1, 200x, the (C as the NCP) shall pay child support to the (me as the CP) in the amount of $(x) per month; and it is further ORDERED, that if the obligor accumulates support payments arrears amounting to more than 30 days of support, the obligor shall be subject to service of an Earnings Withholding Order, and it is further.............   (about him having to notify the court within 10 days of any change of address or employment as long as the Order is in effect, and the potential penalty, etc.).

He is self-employed, owns his own business, hence why the judge didn't have the Earnings Withholding Order done at the time of the Child Support Order.

So, how I am reading this is that it IS due the first of the month, every month (no ending date provided but typically age 18 in Maryland), and just he won't be servided a wage-garnishment order until it's 30 days late.   Doesn't mean that 4 weeks late isn't 4 weeks late,it's just that 28 days late isn't quite yet 30 days late.   I could still go to the courthouse and file, heck, I could tomorrow but I won't I don't even have time tomorrow, and state, legitimately, that I have not received child support.   Heck, even August's wasn't mailed (or was it received?) until August 23rd.   It's rare to receive the child support in advance of the 1st of the month, I think perhaps twice total in all these years.   It, however, used to arrive within the first week, then over time shifted, and lately, has shifted a LOT.   I don't find it acceptable, and I'm happy to hear that it's NOT.  I had been misreading this.

C believes that the CS he pays is not late until it hits the magic number of 30 days.   He also claims that whenever in the month it arrives is okay, and based upon precedence blah blah blah.  Of course, if he truly felt 100% okay about it, I'd think he wouldn't write the check with one date, and mail it 10-11 days later (per the postmarks), he'd just write the date out for the date he was actually ready to mail it.   So, maybe he's also bluffing?, or just hoping to believe that?  I don't think he'd actually risk legal trouble with it (and yet, he is).

I'll wait until M comes home tomorrow, maybe on Tuesday, I'll e-mail him and just ask when he plans to mail child support.  

And I need to find all those envelopes, too, with the postmarks.

I can't wait to see her:)   I'm not sure if it's at 9am, or 3pm, it could go either way (meaning I'm NOT rocking the boat yet with him, nope), and made myself a copy of the whole thing (Court Order) to re-read over thoroughly again.   I just hate thinking of potential hassle and strife, and I've always reason to believe there could be a fight when things like this happen, and I DREAD it.  (Okay, can ya tell I don't like to make him mad or get on his bad side, he's not exactly nice to me, so it's hard sometimes.)

But, now I'll race outside -- I haven't gotten a chance to see that wigwam yet, and I think Daisy would love a nice jaunt.   Had hoped to go yesterday, but, well, that was a fiasco of a day (for, IMHO, insufficient reason, but whatever).  Hmmm, or go tomorrow after M comes home?   Eh, we'll see.  Maybe both.