Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Rambling Evening Thoughts + Scars

Seeing if this works again:)
Tired, but feeling good again:) Back to okay.
I think I've been mostly stressing from Thursday late morning until yesterday maybe even last night. In part b/c of my father, in part b/c of M going with her dad, getting her ready and all those "must do before I go for 3 weeks" stuff done (like homemade thank you cards wow M they are BEAUTIFUL), and then now she's GONE.
I worry how will I react as time goes on this summer for the 3 weeks. I can forget to eat (cuz I'm off schedule), feel down (separate from forgetting to eat), etc. And miss her a LOT. Sunday night I was burned out, so burned out, I just finally plopped on the couch under covers and blankly watched t.v. I rarely watch t.v. but in part it was to make me tired so I'd sleep more readily, not miss M so much. Try to focus on other things to keep me from thinking of her and missing her. Oh, I miss her, but I'm not paining about it right now. I was trying to avoid that part. I guess it'll hit me more, I do miss her NOW, just knowing..... and of course I called and of course no one will even give that message to her.
But, today, other than work and my own animals, I took a break from all the rest. I did do a search on National Council for the Aging ??? which I include as a link -- they have a great benefits check questionnaire for each state / area. It didn't print, but that's ok, I didn't GO there (to my dad's).

I did an errand for ME wow. Last week I got M right from camp each day, no daycare! :) so no lunch really either, which is fine, but. Took a long bath/shower this a.m. which is rare.
Then returned something to Border's, and read the last chapter or two of Ernest Hemingway's Farewell to Arms. I got so nauseous, and quite faint. I needed a cool drink, yes, that's it, the cafe is closed.... huh? Outside was oppressive, heat index of well over 100 F, I made it back and got a ginger ale. (M's half-sister Si was born in a similar manner as Catherine "Henry's" boy, cord around her neck and all, but lived as did Sh, and yes, M and I were there, I took her for it.)
BUT, it was a my choice errand. Work had some must take care of things, combined with a ton of downtime, but it was ok. I think of BJ and his great strong arms, and he tells me he ran into a chain link fence with his face OUCH OUCH OUCH. Poor baby, tho I'm glad if it happened, he shared it. Even got myself ice cream tonight, and not even M's kind. Not sure if it'd make me miss her more if I got a kind she alsoliked, or if I got a kind only I liked....... Dad can get ice cream, hey, why can't I?
Even if I balanced it with a good spinach salad with freshly cut veggies..... hey, I don't cook if I don't have to, but I do try to eat decently, well, the ice cream was a lower fat than many, sort of:)
So, I'm really tired, but Daisy and I took a LONG walk for the later evening one, and she wanted to MOVE. Thunder and moving winds, somehow no rain HERE so apparently all around us. Made it feel GREAT:)

Now, about BJ's face -- "....guess who tried to be a hero and dove to catch a line drive near the outfield fence? Needless to say, I didn't catch the ball and instead, fell headlong and face first into the chain link fence. Would have been pretty comical had I not been bleeding from multiple cuts on nose and forehead, plus bruised all over my face. Still not looking very pretty today...but the swelling has gone down at least.

Graceful I am not...anyway, no big deal, shouldn't be majorly scarred...not that it matters!"

Okay, couple things here -- OUCH OUCH OUCH I recommended vitamin A and retinol.... I learned a few things about scars when I got mine. I do hope he's okay.  (Seems his one daughter has become an expert as well, so he's being taken care of!)  

Secondly, isn't it just like him to try to do it? He's a confident sort, goes after what he really wants, and typically does well for it. Heck, if he didn't try, he wouldn't have caught it, either.  So, he gave it a try.    I like that in a guy.

Thirdly, not to stereotype men and women, but how many women do you know who would say it doesn't matter if she's scarred up or not? When I first got my scar, which is almost not even noticeable NOW, but at first, I scared young children. Seriously. People treated me differently but I wasn't different inside.   It made me wonder what it must feel like to grow up disfigured, if it'd make someone feel differently inside, too.  Then a Christmas dance party, I had on bandaids and coverup, a guy in my group told me I look "devastating." :)  I'll always be grateful for that comment, and it helped that he meant it. But, men? It wouldn't do well if BJ were to end up truly scarred, in "society" and his work, of course I'd still feel the same for him, his personality would still carry him through, and for men it's not as bad. But still, to just matter of factly say it, ha, it says a lot about him, to me:)

Okay, relaxing soon. Teeth, maybe even wash my face, THEN clean the litter boxes, and SLEEP. I really do miss M and I guess I'm going to have to allow myself to face that she is away (even if I do want her to have a good relationship w; her dad, really).  Even got to read a whole months worth of journal entries for an online friend:) lol he knows who he is, and that means a TON of entries. Like a new-styled book for preteens done in a style of IM's and journal entries, I think I'll get to reading it all, like a non-fiction novel. Cuz I can.

Spent some time trying to get my one e-mail loop as a yahoo group -- yeah it seems to be working! tho we have some kinks to work out.   Hence, the "loopy" as the mood:)  hehe
Don't even feel a need to drown my thoughts, dull them, or to just veg from burnout, with television. May not even watch any more for a while, cuz I often do not. One day one step at a time. Crazy lives we lead, nuances, etc. Have a blessed evening, all:) And, sweetpea (M), may God keep a hedge of thorns around you, evil away from you:) Sweet dreams.



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