Monday, March 10, 2008

E (I try not to swoon too noticeably)

"I want to keep her to myself this time."
I want to remember those words.  "I want to keep her to myself this time."
Or maybe it was "for" and not "to."  Or "I'm going to..." and not "I want to...."  Eh, whatever. 
E, my favorite dancer good friend, E, whom I've liked for 6 years.  Yep, 6 years.  I was warned by one of the other women, a woman I'm friends with now but we were new to each other then, that I should stay away from E as he's too old for me.  Not b/c of his girlfriend, albeit that was E's reason (while flattered, he said, and then telling me that SO had asked E for my number).  Sometimes I"ve had to tell myself to STOP that crush feeling.  He and a woman I'll call Dora (not her name), have finally stopped dating about 3 months ago from what I can tell.  I didn't even pick up on that at first; the first ceili we both attended after E and Dora's breakup, I DID notice that I got more dances in with him than usual, and with P, another favorite dancer (who is married, btw, I'm NOT persuing him never have, we just enjoy how we both dance when together). 
E and I are good friends.  He is a really dear friend and I'd hate to screw that up.  We have talked about all sorts of things over the years.  Heck, he even came to his ex-wife's church (mine, ironically), to be there for me at Dad's memorial service, among other things, (such as giving me dating advice haha, gee, thanks, E, and we talk about our kids, and his grandkid named after him!, life, religion, politics, most anything).  But, gosh, I adore him. 
And I have adored E, even while dating SO, and BJ.  BJ knew I like E, and they met a couple times.  Heck, other "pretty pretty boys" of mine, guy friends, know of E.  One bisexual guy friend of mine, who dances in the Baltimore area, couldn't see the appeal, that E's older and yadda yadda.  Ah, yeah, E can hold his own.  He's likely in better shape than that guy, actually, anyway ha.  And E's sweet, a good man, respectful, smart, fun, classy, laid-back, a touch of the bad boy in a really great guy, and dances in a style that really works well for me, etc., there are many good reasons.  Believe me, with E "available," I've had to re-think this through. It may not be fantastical any more, but a possibility, and do I still want that?  E used to tell me that he's too old for me.  Hmm, is he?  Nah, not really, not in any way that truly matters.  SO doesn't know I like E but oh well.
Since January, when I returned to my dance group, my first outing with them again, it's been a bit of a sometimes friends, sometimes paying some attention, as if an old-fashioned almost not quite courting.  Not quite yet.  But like Barack Obama's Presidential campaign, there is no suspension of hope:)  (Hey, he's still ahead in the delegate count!  YEAH!) 
My knight in black-leather jacket.  That January night, enroute to the after-dance class outing, my car died.  Near a gas station, I tried to handle the situation; I've been unattached long enough, I can do this.  It still didn't work.  I called the place where my friends were, and a girlfriend said that E jumped up to get the phone when the waiter announced I was calling and my car had broken down.  And he came, on foot, putting out his cigarette, and helped, at the same time two police officers came, all doing the thing I'd be trying next but hey.  E is like that, anyway, but that he was the first one to respond, jump up to assist me, yeah....... my girlfriend who knows I like E said she decided to just let him respond, instead of her.  And he said he'd stay w/ me there at the restaurant while others left, once we got there, but some of them stayed, too.  We all toasted my dad, and the two recently passed mothers.  And I felt my emotional release then, back w/ friends, drinking (one glass) to my dad.  When we all departed, people gave their hugs, and I gave E a hug and surprised myself by giving him a quick kiss that hit his neck.  Oy.  I only had one beer.  I think he didn't hear my (positive) comment which is just as well.
And then a parade fundraiser where our group danced, where I asked him about him using an extra ticket I had to M's "Big Show" and he got all fumbling and flustered, something about things being topsy-turvy right now.  We were otherwise fine, hanging out some, and with others, too.  I e-mailed him later, telling him I'm sorry for whatever is going topsy-turvy in his life, and that I hope when it stops spinning, his world lands in a way thatis best for him; he deservesto be happy.  I meant it, really, never mentioning "Dora," (nor has he) but if they reunited, and he'd be happy, so be it.  He later e-mailed me, ironically as I'm SURE he didn't notice, on St. Valentine's Day.  Basically, he wrote a thanks for the nice thoughts and he's sure there will be future dance extravaganzas.
And classes, where we sometimes dance sometimes not, as per usual and I let him decide / ask.  And a couple ceili's and the Old Town Alexandria parade (where he drove M and me back to our car after we all ate out as per usual, a day M and I have as a fun day).  And the President's party.....  Friends hosted a President's Day party, and M arranged to stay over L's house as they had a lot of weekend dance rehearsals, anyway.  I didn't know who to dress as; that part was challenging.  I finally went not as a U.S. President, but as the late President Bhuta, including a blue veil that had been a celtic-scarf prop of M's in her dance stuff.  And reddish open-toed heels.  I had to paint my toenails.  I had to find pantyhose.  A few mistook me for Jacqueline Kennedy in mourning, but nah, I think I'd have carried an eternal flame with me for that one.  (Ah, but I respect her and found that to be a compliment.)  I actually knew a lot more of the trivia questions than several others did.  I suppose reading the newspaper when I can, helps.  E kept telling me how nice I looked, "Did you really just come up with that outfit today?"  He wore "Bushisms" around his neck.  We talked, and danced some, briefly, as most were not up for dancing except the host, so we obliged briefly.
It varies.  I'm trying to give him time and space.  Sometimes he is just with the others and that's okay.  And, yet. 
I didn't go to this ceili out of northern Virginia last month, even though many in my main dance group did.  It was our groups "social outing" of the month.  I was just too busy and they left earlier than I could do to get there.  My girlfriend reported that "Dora" didn't even show to THAT one (and she lives in northern Virginia), and that it was overall a really fun time.  Okay, a really fun time ceili outing; I'd go this month when "our" group did.  I didn't go to the social/dinner outing beforehand -- M had a gig, and she was GREAT! and so fun to see her!  E had gone to the dinner, and, just as I told the coordinator, I arrived in time for the carpooling, right as they were finishing up the check.  E then absent-mindedly put all the collected cash into his wallet.  He NEVER does stuff like that ha, and embarrassed, quickly fixed it, then went home to change while I rode over with others.
At "big ceili" last month, the one with my other dance group, that I try to attend monthly, I danced with SO, and LF, and several others including a few with E.  It was weird to dance with SO again, it's both comfortable and weird as we hadn't hardly at all after we broke up, and this time just after I'd just danced (probably swooningly) with E, and followed with a dance with E he asked me to, actually, Sweets of May which I don't care for but with E?  Of course.  Later, E and I went to dance a waltz.  I may have asked him.  It's typical for either gender to just ask others to dance, but he did ask me those other times.  I love to waltz.  I love E's style.  He can just move and flow to the music, and I'm floating along with him.  It's still to the great live music.  So we start out, and he says that he hopes he's not too boring (of a waltzer for me).  Huh?  Where'd his confidence go?  He mentioned not adding lots of fancy things.  "I've waltzed with you before, E." 
E's my favorite waltzer, something SO never did quite get quite right, albeit he tried for my sake and he's decent at it, and otherwise a good dancer.  I actually didn't dance Clare Lancers, which disappointed me, until I realized, duh, P wasn't there, and he and I almost always dance that one with each other (and have a fantastic time).  But, did E not realize how thrilled I was to waltz with him, one of my favorite dances, with him
So, Saturday, there were a bunch of ceili dances to start off, more boring ones actually.  E and I laughed and agreed to skip the "shoe the donkey," and he asked, "What's next?"  "It's a waltz."  "Well, then, let's do the waltz next."  That worked for me.   There is a group/set dance for the waltz called the waltz cotillion.  SO used to arrange those if we were going to waltz, sigh, okay, it's lovely truly and fun occasionally, but not what I want, typically, comparatively.  Another guy saw E(and I), entering the dance floor, and this guy came over excitedly.  As part of him asking if we'd join their set, he even said how much he'd LOVE to have E in the group (being that he's an expert on most set dances.  Ironically, he and I learned the waltz cotillion together some years ago in my main dance class).  E had to respond quickly, and did say something akin to "No, thanks."  But, the part I like, "I want to keep her to myself this time."
Ah, yeah.  I think he's coming around...........  :)
After, E thanked me, which is common for dance partners to do, and added that he hoped to dance with me for another dance later in the evening.  And, we did, having great fun with the Cashel Set, across from "Dancing Bug" and his dance partner for that set.
There were other fun dances, haymaker's jig ended up good, with a guy new to me I guided through, and a set dance similar to the North Kerry but with a Gaelic name that starts with an S and I can't pronounce, lol.  This was with a girlfriend, in a set that did happen to include E.  Then there was another waltz which I danced with "Dancing Bug."  He is a very skilled dancer, and often adds a lot of fancy moves and stepwork.  As he can stay being smooth about it, fitting all that in as if natural, it works.  Some others can (E can when he wants), but many cannot.  (It can also become TOO much at times.)  "Thank you, Robin, that was grand."  Ah, yes, it was actually.  Grand.  E and a friend had watched, "He put a lot of swing moves into that waltz."  "Yeah, well, it worked." :)   I forgot until about then, that "Dora" doesn't really care to waltz.  (She is a FANTASTIC Irish dancer, though, and I won't pretend to compare with her step dancing skills.)
Carpooling home, E offered to take me back the hour to my car.   I told my ride over (as we thought we had an extra person enroute back, anyway).  Then she was reworking it so E wouldn't have to take anyone.  Wait, huh?  I'm sure she's clueless about the E and I potential, and I'm happy to leave those out of it, out of it.  E said something about just come with me, and put his arm on my back briefly.  "Okay; let's go," I was not waiting for further discussion!  Now, another guy friend who'd ridden with us may have noticed.  The new guy and I smiled at each other, again, as I walked out with E. 
That supposed hour ride home sure seemed to be done within minutes.  Classical music, okay, I thought so.  I listened to only classical for about 4 years after M's birth.  We just talked, including of religion (oy, do I HAVE to bring that up again? but it's been on my mind a lot lately, being Easter/Lent and all and me feeling churchless).  I'd love to go hiking w/ him sometime.  Or on his boat we talked more about.  It felt like being dropped off from a date when I went to get out of his car, for a moment.  He verified when he'd see me again (we're both missing practice rehearsal tonight, "We know those."  "Yes, we do."  He and I are tops for two good dances, North Kerry Set and Clare Lancers, yeah for a gig next week that M will join us for, actually.)  Then he sped off.  HA, he's the type to stay and make sure the car starts, at least, he has for me.  It's okay.  In time.
"You've already won me over, in spite of me.  Don't be surprised to find me head over heels....."  --Alannis Morrissette

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  1. Oh my goodness, my heart is going all pitty-pat as if I'm living through this with you. This is so divinely romantic and spring is coming soon, and romance and spring just go hand in hand, swoon on my dear! E sounds so wonderful, a man who can dance, who wears a black-leather jacket (I have this thing about men in leather jackets) and he's your friend. Swoon!--Sheria

  2. So all this time I thought your name was Ceil, and I was reading your name "Ceil is a dancer" (my half-French brain automatically turning "un" to "a,"  Now I find out cieli is a form of dancing? I know that "cieli" is Italian for skies, so maybe skies sundancer?

  3. Hope it works out for you. ~ Mike

  4. mm hmmm, sounds like a love story in the making, to me!  no wonder you're trying not to swoon.  :-)  i hope it works out the way you want it to, sure sounds like it will!

  5. I had to go get more coffee to finish reading this :-).  I never swoon, which is my issue, not yours.  Swooning is great for the soul; you go ahead & swoon extra for both of us. ~Mary

  6. I felt as though I were reading a romance novel ~ how exciting for you!!  I think you should go on and swoon (not so he can see of course!).  If I can remember back that far, these are the feelings that make us feel we can soar. The anticipation of seeing him, the nervous feeling & sometimes saying ALL the wrong things because we are giddy!!  Enjoy this and I hope things move along with you guys ~ he sounds like a great guy...and a black leather jacket too...  ;)