Monday, September 4, 2006

14 hours in 14+ years

14 hours for 14+ years
14 hours to cover 14+ years, and here I'm left with 14,000 thoughts.
Basically, it was really, really good to see my dear friend. Chatting, laughing, catching up the good and the bad, from 9-11, and surgeries and custody battles, and my cat Robbie's death, 20 years old, Brian knew him, and the good aspects of his work, and mine. And some of our old memories, lol.
I even apologized for not really caring about the Valentine he sent me via the Diamondback. And, at one point, he told me, "I'm sorry you've had to go through this, are still going through this," and kissed me on the head, which was so sweet. I feel so safe with Brian, so comfortable. It was really great:)
I'm real concerned about him and his father right now, though. Brian's at his parents now, "tourist country" Eastern shore pathway to "the beach." Great weather today, too, really nice (so why do two of my neighbors, separately, feel a need to hang outside and SMOKE, instead of taking in this great slightly breezy air?). Brian's dad had colon cancer, as did mine, and then (or first?) prostrate cancer, surviving fine, etc., tho some nasty side effects including w/ his feet.

The colon cancer has returned, and even over Memorial Day weekend, hospice thought the man was going to progress rapidly towards death.  He apologized to Brian for being in such bad shape, like he can help it. Brian is also a bit self-defacing / effacing? (whatever the word is).

I got to see a lot of really fantastic photos of his work, and his friends work, and in the middle of it I asked him if he'd heard of buffleheads, lol, "What, the bird?" Yes, of course he'd know. And, of course, he didn't find it weird to jump to the east coast, i.e., a different topic. (Yes, M, like mom (me) thought, buffleheads DO migrate into Maryland / Virginia, too.)
I got to tell Brian how happy I am that he's doing so well with his work:) I truly am proud of him, all he's done.  It's very impressive, really.   I sometimes wish I'd had that confidence to break free from Maryland, and even my agency perhaps or within my agency more, and really try for a career. But, gosh, his is fantastic:) I won't elaborate more, however, cuz then he'd be id'd rather quickly via online searches. 
We are so alike. It's almost amazing to me to be back with someone, my dear friend who knows me so well, and I him, and yes we chatted about his high school and those friends and his reunion, but it was all so good, and comfortable, and fun, too.

While going through the past years of things, I mentioned, "Oh yeah, I realized that I have ADD, or most likely do," and then I laughed. I realized so readily, of course, Brian has ADD / ADHD, also. He laughed, "well, duh!" :) Or something similar.
We chatted about that a bit, too.  Man, the things we wouldn't complete until last minute, and then if required and we wanted to. Gosh. We DID, however, both finally graduate with our BS's.
In many of my descriptions of M (and yes, he remembered I almost named her Briana, down to the wire, M or Briana), I mentioned that she has this independent stubborn streak sometimes. "Oh, now who do you think she got that from?" LOL. I didn't think of myself as being stubborn.........   I suppose I was also explaining the Montessori a bit (for the self-reliant / independent part).

I found myself thinking, wait, so why am I "with" BJ? Brian and I just "are," when we meet up that is, so many things just naturally mesh. Oh, I know why I like BJ, and why I stay "with" him, quality guy btw. But, this has had me thinking. Other than them both being Irish guys with red hair, what is similar? Well, one thing I finally figured out, they both have a drive to go after what they truly wish to focus on, as do I, really.

My focus and goal has been M, and keeping her in this school through 8th grade, started there at 1st.   I am just fine with that, but need to remind myself of it when I compare careers.

(She starts 7th on Tuesday, tomorrow! Of course, have I yet heard from C confirming or declining/refusing if he'll be sure she gets to school in the a.m.? Oh, heavens no, why would he bother letting me know such a thing, even if I have asked, politely I think, to the point but politely, twice? Nor did I get to talk w/ her yesterday, even if that was day 3 and she's still on summer vacation, so court ordered even. Contempt of Court for C yet again; 5th time this summer re: the telephone contact.)    Anyway, I digress. Of course. Sorry:)

In our last hug goodbye, a tight strong hug, Brian says to me to keep watching out for that little girl. Oh, I will:) And, he knows that. He has no children himself, just didn't happen. HIS focus was in getting himself into the line of work he wanted, etc., and he told me his encyclopedia story of, um, the creature he has since studied.  He's doing his dream job, or close enough to it.   I AM happy for him:)   

And how different events and his pursuit and willingness to do anything it took to get in, all panned out, and he is a great guy, the good worker type, etc. His dysfunctions are very similar to mine:) lol, btw.  I never did quite "fit in," but he is somewhat the same. (I don't know if he realizes that his dad has been an alcoholic or not, though *I* came to that conclusion some years ago, for one thing.)  He is the baby of his family, and I the oldest, so that's a good pairing I've always heard.
BJ has had great relationships with his parents, wow, something NORMAL and healthy is so nice to hear about! :) He also has confidence and drive, though, and it's something I like in him. Okay, Bri's not always confident with ME, but still. That's almost endearing. In that "George O'Malley" way, aka, Grey's Anatomy, but less bumbling.   I like that character a lot:)
Continuing with the Grey's Anatomy theme, BJ would be more like one of the senior staff who appears to have his act together types, like "Derek Shepard" eh, somewhat.    BJ is not a "Mr. McDreamy," though.
Both good, caring people, really.
14,000 thoughts.......... at least, I'm sure:)

nd Brian he wore a pair of socks I apparently gave him, which I do NOT recall. I can't imagine why I'd have bought him that not quite red but almost orange-colored socks, either. Socks, yes, but that color, no. He saves them for special events, rofl. Says they match his shoes he wore, pointing them out to me.

My girlfriend wrote me back:  "Socks? Seriously? That is too funny that he not only still has them but remembered to WEAR them. Ummmm.... Yea, he has it BAD for you! LOL"

He brought me a little box of chocolate kisses tied w/ a red ribbon, that was sweet. HE brought up a potential need for me to eat, would I be okay or not, let's get something. Huh? Wow, he remembered my hypoglycemia.
I told him how my mother had been on the trip, not stopping for lunch on the way up and I was polite, but felt my blood sugar levels dropping and dropping, wanting to catch them. Nope, had to get all the luggage upstairs AND put away first, huh? THEN go order something at a restaurant, um, I could not wait and was munching away on what I could find. (She told M the next day that it was wrong not to have stopped. I know my mom was nervous driving and stuff, I can overlook the not stopping, but don't get UPSET at ME for it.)
Another morning, breakfast was delayed b/c we had to pack up or something, I forget, it helped her feel more in control and ready to go if we packed up first meaning full dress and shower, everything, first.  Fine.   Just I have to eat first thing, then everything else, then eat again.  She said snottily, "I guess you can go eat now, so you don't DIE."
To have Brian simply remember, on his own, and care, and be so accepting of ME, gosh, it really touched me, felt good. "Your mother sounds as if she has some issues." Yeah, she does. Rough childhood and all, I know that, and being in Maine brings them back out for her, I know that, too.  I try to overlook it all, but when she gets MEAN, that is rough.

Brian, of course, didn't look the same (nor do I). We talked of our gray hairs, our beginning crows feet wrinkles around our eyes. For the amount of time he is out, daily, in dry heat sun, wow, his skin is really in good shape.      Hitting 42 had me start spreading, and he's not as thin, but yanno what?   We're not in our 20's, and don't look it, either, but we're both pretty darn good for being in our almost mid-40's:)   He gets a good workout at work, too, a lot of outdoor physical energy, and, um, I can tell.
His glasses don't do him justice:) but he felt badly about it, so later I made a point to comment on his eyes, how I like his eyes. I do.

14,000 thoughts. I can tell him anything, and feel safe about it. I hope he knows he can tell me, too. I *think* he knows. I wished I'd picked up my photos in time to share with him (I did with my dad, who enjoyed them).  Me: "I don't want to lose you." Brian: "You won't; I'm right here," with a nice hug, but, where is "here" now? Oh, he is the one needing support today. I tried to be of support. He got a bit of pain in his face and eyes, when I asked him if he felt ready to see what his father was like now.  He was going to drive after meeting with me on to their house.   He said that he'd deal with that then, that he knows for seeing him over Memorial Day weekend.  Yeah, but, that's been a few months..... I wrote Brian last night. He's not the oldest, he's not the one closest geographically, not a defined/required role within the family.  He's being of support to his mom, I'm sure, likely emotionally, too, of course:) I don't know if Brian is truly prepared inside for his fathers death, even if it's coming and he knows it. This visit should help, painful I'm sure, but helpful. If the water and birds there help him feel more at peace, that he's home, just home. Etc.

I wrote a lot, actually. He hasn't written back. That's fine. He may not have gotten it yet. He may have 14,000 thoughts of his own. And, that's a lot he's taking in right now. It's okay. He hasn't lost me, either:)
My dear, dear friend. (Okay, no more sniffles, I decided I'd laugh at the good moments:) and was done with any pity party. Am I crying b/c of his pain now? I don't know. I had great emotional release / relief for venting with him. I feel badly now, cuz he likely needed more venting himself, but I told him that.)

Yeah, Picasso has more fun:) just had to add that, lol ;)   I may just have to play Picasso again sometime, too.

No comments:

Post a Comment