Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Visitation Schedule Rants

My mood?   Much improved over last night.   I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS, and, did I mention?  I HATE this.

Oh, initially last night, my mood was good -- M's camp is working out well considering my screw up with them.   She'll be in field hockey camp next week, YEAH!, (instead of lacrosse later in the summer, or going to Maine next week, or switching next week around with C for M to attend a "mandatory" dance company camp that isn't happening now in our town, but another week/another town and oh well she's been booked for camp that week and it's also when she's w/ C so I just told Ma that M couldn't do it).   They won't even charge me a processing fee for the change (from LAX to field hockey).   That's really great, and they have always been really nice:)   M took a LAX mini-clinic one Spring with them.   (Her main sports are dancing and horseback riding, but having a week or two here and there for exploration isn't so bad, plus she's interested in these, and always has, or art or drama, lol.   It's also pretty local, and 4 hours / day so she can relax in the afternoons.)

Anyway, sent BampBob (my stepfather) an e-birthday card for his big 70 yesterday.   I'd also sent a card and a nice "world's greatest grandpa" t-shirt with M when I dropped her off there in the morning.   I didn't wish to miss the "party" with him, but had rehearsal last night for the Potomac Celtic Festival this weekend.   I had worked through lunch and was headed home before calling Bob and M, and going on to rehearsal.

C called.  He'd called the house and left a message (fairly polite), but not reaching me, called my cell.   He basically yelled, ranted, manipulated/cajolingly condescendingly, accusing me (of not catching his potential mistakes um huh?), and demanding for 15 minutes.   I actually had to put the phone down twice while he vented loudly, me picking the cell phone back up a bit later, him still going.   C called back a bit later, too, which I was tempted to ignore, but I answered.  He was more calm then, still pushy and such, but a bit better, not quite as high a volume in the yelling, for another 4-5 minutes.  I still told him I would not make a decision in haste w/out looking at things first ("don't you trust me reading the schedule?" um, that's not the point, but he was the one calling last minute after over 2 years of having this schedule, saying "oops," lol, even if it is complicated).   It sounded okay, though, I was thinking, gee, he's not pushing the until Tuesday bit just insisting on 1 more night not 2, we can work this out.......   me not realizing, duh, the Court Order really DOES say it's supposed to be Monday.   Ugh.  

C doesn't always ask for what he's really asking for, either, and I think this time was no different.   He is trying to claim, oops, he'd just realized over 2 years later, and after we'd agreed on what the Court Order claims summer visitation is, several times even, that he believes M is to still go with him every/other Tuesday night even in the summer, not only the school year.   Um, no.   But, I was polite, said I didn't think he was correct with this but I'll check it when I get home.   That didn't sit well and he started in on me, yes, yelling.   I repeated that I didn't have the Court Order with me and that I was driving.   He said he knows this is late notice, but unless we agree to alternative arrangements post haste like, he WILL be there (my place) at 3:00 p.m. tomorrow (today).   It's really to be 3:30 if it were to happen, but whatever at that moment (and I'll even let him know that 3:00 p.m. is fine by me, Thursday night as scheduled, if he wants, instead of 3:30).   He seemed almost embarrassed to even bring it up, that he'll understand if she has plans for tonight, it is last minute, etc., which I found interesting and had me more skeptical.   Yes, she's at a party (well, that's this afternoon and then youth group summer time event tonight, but he didn't ask for details, or even ask to talk w/ her.)   Heck, we're to give a minimum of 48 hours notice of changes, too, and this was less than 24, but he's telling me he's doing me a courtesy of calling me.   Yeah, well, he knows I wouldn't anticipate him (or really his girlfriend on his behalf) coming by today for her, and, well, we wouldn't be here.

He "happened" to mention that he'd be keeping her until next Tuesday a.m.   We'd discussed for practically a year now that it's Monday a.m., per Court Order.   We'd talked of switching weeks for her dance camp, and that if we did not, that she/I intended to sign her up for field hockey camp thatweek.   He seemed all bent out of shape, or, well, pretended to perhaps, that she was scheduled.   That it won't work, now for him to have her through Wednesday morning as a makeup for tonight/this Tuesday night and the regular through Tuesday a.m.   Oy vey.    He blamed me repeatedly for me not catching his mistake of Monday a.m. not Tuesday a.m. (except, I reread the right section this a.m. that it really IS Monday a.m. like he and I agreed to several times these past months, that HE stated first even as "this is the schedule per Court Order" he expected me to agree to), that he's so sick of me coming after him (I said, calmy, "You called me.")   I'm really sick of this bs, too.  And etc.   This synopsis is with me trying to get to the kernel of it.  

I'm so glad I waited until this a.m. to write him back -- I was too wound last night previous to heading to rehearsal, and I was already late to that.   A friend there, Mi, looked at me and asked if I was alright.   I forget what I mumbled, but she inquired further, "No, really, are you alright?" later telling me that my face and my body language indicated I really was NOT alright.   I even came across more negatively about a dance I don't care about than I intended, but I was able to explain that to the woman who said she'd switch with me, tell her I don't care for it, but I don't mind dancing it, I was just really stressed.   After I got to dance, gosh, N has become a good dancer, I didn't have a lot of patience for H (she's always a challenge, has some problems), but I just kept my mouth shut, I still love dancing Lancers:), I know I was tense going in but gosh, dancing helps me so much:)   And some venting.  I told this friend, Mi, some of the stuff.   She's never even had kids, but she knows how to listen and I just felt so beat upon I wanted to just cry.   That's a good thing in some ways, b/c after a verbal beating, I tend to get all knotted inside, angry, and then later, that crying bit.   I don't even know if I did cry or not, but it means I've moved along in my steps in processing and handling it.   Of course, it meant I could hardly concentrate to eat any dinner, grabbing only a Nutri-Grain bar, and later, a cheesestick.   Lovely, not, on and a slice of cake after rehearsal for someone's birthday.  

I almost wrote him last night, too, after getting home, but I was tired and knew it'd take me some time.   Again, I didn't realize until this a.m. that it really IS to be Monday a.m., which I knew he was thinking it was by the way he was talking, not really forcing that issue, just trying to get one extra night in there somehow, not the two he was claiming he was due.   I just wasn't fully certain of it until this a.m.   If he hadn't fussed so much, I'd have likely gone along with it, but he forced me to reread it all, so now I know what he's bluffing on, too.

I don't care if M spends extra time up there (if she wants to).   If he'd said, hey, Robin, we're used to having M here every/other Tuesday and we miss that in the summer -- think we can work something out?   Shrug, hey, if it didn't interfere with stuff, sure.   (Actually, it'd help for daycare this week, but it'd also mean M and I having not as much time w/ each other, no hang time, no time to buy her cleats, or try to borrow a hockey stick, finish up Father's Day presents, whatever.)   I'd offered for him to have her for Sunday afternoon, with no strings attached, and NEVER heard back from him.   I didn't wish to get into a tit for tat, I want us to be able to just work to accommodate M, or whatever, so I didn't even ask for switching time, just have M be with them and share in the afternoon.   Nada word.

(An aside:   Sunday afternoon was Si's second dance recital.   This just turned 4 year old, who is adorable and I mean that sincerely, sweet girl, was taking two dance classes a week, and it appears two gymnastics classes, down near me, a week.   One dance class of Si's was Saturdays at 10 but M can't have anything anytime b/c it'd interfere with her time with C (rolling my eyes, yes and no), even if he was at work.   This recital was in their new town, near where my mother lives, and I'd gotten word about it only via M, who got it via Sh and Si.   I wrote twice, I called their home and his cell, NO responses to anything, offering for him to pick her up, asking for details, etc.  I'd told M she could go, rearranged our schedules /didn't make other plans, so she could.   No response at all.   Really weird.  I finally called her new cell #, the girlfriend, Sh, and she was curt with me, that she'dgiven M all the details.   Well, a) no she didn't, and b) what's wrong with confirming, anyway?  I got directions, too, that I didn't get quite right but I found it.   M said that maybe I could just go in with her, that it was alright with her.   Beautiful Sunday day, gorgeous, but yes, to spend time w/ M would be more fun, so thinking maybe I would as they didn't pick her up and I was dropping her off.   I'd see inside.   $12./ticket.  That was not mentioned.   M, bless her heart, got out her purse to pay for hers.  I wouldn't let her.   The ticket seller just said, "Here, take this one.  Um, someone turned it back in, can't use it."  Bless her:)   (I later went to thank her again, and the woman said, "Her father should have paid for that, then."  Yes, true.)   I made sure M was okay, had her cell, and waited for her to walk in.   I then found out it was going to be 3 hours long, wow, and then an additional hour for awards and a reception.   Gee, what do I do now, we won't make it to my mothers/Bob's for later in the afternoon........    After the first intermission, the tickettaker left and I could go in, too.   I didn't find M until after the second intermission, and she had her cell phone off.   C didn't even stay, he actually LEFT.  C and Sh had not only not left a ticket for M, but didn't even save her a seat, even tho they knew she was coming.   I don't get that.   M found them at the first intermission, after Si had danced her routine, and C was leaving.   So M sat with Sh and Si joined them.   When I saw M @ 2nd intermission, Sh moved things so I could join and sit with them, instead of having M leave.   The second awkward time of the week with Sh and I hanging around so that M and Si could spend time together, but whatever.   Sh was polite then, and after it all, thanked me for bringing M up.   I did it for M, but yeah, to support M supporting Si, yanno?)

So then C pulls this sh&* and I don't get it.  

I am guessing he's just upset again b/c he wants an extended weekend -- his summer weekends are "extended" for Thursday afternoon 3:30 to Tuesday 9 a.m. (which entirely screws camps but whatever), but that is just until the weeks at a time schedule goes into effect.   The e/o Tuesday does not occur in the summer (it's not even mentioned), and really, wouldn't make sense b/c then she'd go with him for Thursday evening until Tuesday a.m., then back with him that Tuesday night?   Not the intent.   And, to be honest, I think he knows that but was bluffing by using that, even tho I still have to respond to it sincerely and as if he was serious.   However, the week-long at a time bit starts this Sunday at 3:00 p.m. (M with me until 3:00 p.m. next Sunday, then 1 week with him, 2 weeks with me, and then intended to be 2 weeks with him but....) Etc.  This Sunday is also Father's Day, so every Father's Day, like every Mother's Day with me, M goes with him that day and over night until 9am or beginning of school / camp that Monday.   He had his lawyer and mine go over this indepth a couple years ago.   It means that every 3rd Sunday in June, she is NOT with me starting at 3pm, but with him over night until 9am on Monday.   The extended weekend ends at 3pm Sunday b/c the weeklong bit starts.  

I think when I write him, politely and focused (yes, I can do that when I really try!), to the point, factually w/out emotion but not cruelly at all, I should include that the intent later in the summer was for her to be with him for 2 weeks straight, but b/c of the wording of dates (a first Sunday in August thing), some summers, she's with him for 3 weeks straight.   Maybe reminding him of that will calm him down some.  I know that I'm not really happy about 3 weeks in a row, but I have learned to accept that b/c it is what it is.   I hope he can do the same with this coming weekend, not 5 nights (Th - Mon night), but not 3 nights, either (Thur until Sun 3pm), but 4 nights she's w/ him.

Let there be peace on earth.......   Why does this have to be such a daggone struggle.  Did I mention, I HATE IT?!  :)

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