Tuesday, November 7, 2006

to not become jaded

Two birthday packages arrived for me today:)   Thanks, BJ!, muwaaaa, thanks, sweetie:)   and Thanks, Beth and Len!    Still on a high from my presents, and seeing Missy M, I stopped enroute back from lunch and splurged by treating myself to a chai tea latte at Starbuck's.  (Not clear why grande = medium and not grand / large, and tall isn't tall but small but whatever, it's a fun treat I don't get often.)

Beth and Len sent me a double-disc, ha, almost said album, compilation of Beatles music.  I do believe I have this same set on 8-track.  (Yes, seriously, even if I've given away my 8-track player to Bob some years back.)    I'd talked with Beth the other day when Len turned 64 and she asked me what I wanted cd-wise....   so many great Beatles songs, yet "mine" is In My Life, the one my late cousin Dougie "gave" to me.   We'd stay up late at night and also spend our summer days listening nonstop to Beatles songs.    Very exciting for me to get both packages!, and Daisy didn't even wake up! when I stopped by to pick up the riding pants M had packed but I'd removed, and she wanted........ (and the packages by the door).

M looked a bit sad, or perhaps just tired? when I dropped them off as promised, in her barn locker, but she heard our truck and came to see me.  Twice she tells me, "I don't know who is picking me up, and I don't know when they're coming."   She had to wait the full carpool pickup time before trying to hang at the barn, even if I suggested she just call them.   We got to chat for a bit, I gave her a hug and kiss twice as I did wish to leave before Sh showed up, if it was Sh coming for M, so it didn't appear interfering (albeit, who cares, I can see my child).   I was glad, too, as this morning wasn't ideal.   M was up ready early, at first wanting to join me at the polls and then changing her mind, thankfully, just remembering late that she had her bibliography notes due, so I fussed while trying to help her and us not be late.   Then realized, she needs more organizational help, isn't the planner working?, ugh......  fine at our parting but still prefer a nice conversation before not seeing her or being "allowed" to talk w/ her for a bit.

I don't take a moment with her for granted.   I hope no one married with their children in their care all the time takes his/her child(ren) for granted, i.e., no one who isn't under constant scrutiny like many of us with kids in split households, but I know, every moment, is a moment given.   Nor with anyone whom I care about.   Dougie said he wouldn't live to see 30 years old, and inside, I breathed a happy sigh of relief when he did, but he didn't make it to 40 years old, so I rather toast to him, too, when I reach another birthday as if also for him who'd have turned 45 this past July.   My mother, my father, even my brother and stepfather, could have died by now, and my precious Grandma has, too.  Some people move into our lives for a short time, some longer, some we're glad move on, lol, admittedly:)   Glad for the conversation with two of my friends today, and the one with BJ.......

This is part of a conversation from another area.

E asks me:  "how old are you??? just curious?"
>I won't say when on a public board, but I've recently turned "ancient" according to my daughter who claims I'm now egads, middle-aged.  (I'm 45 years old.)  I tried to tell her that I fully intend to live to 100, so I have 5 more years to go before I'm middle-aged, but she didn't buy it:)
-- Sun
>oh wow...I would have guessed you were in your 20s! Although...I guess I don't know how old your daughter is...that would make a difference. lol
Um, yeah, considering she's been 12 years old since this past summer:)  Do I want to know why you'd have guessed in my 20's?!
-- Sun

It's nothing bad at all...I assure you! You're just so sweet and nice to everyone...you don't seem as jaded as most people are by the time they're in their 30s or 40s. :-)
-- E

I'm glad she didn't think I was being immature and hence THAT's why she thought I was younger:)  I think, instead, that what works for ME, is yes, to deal with things when needed, acknowledge the pain or hurt or work or whatever, but if someone's wronged me, to work towards letting it go.  Don't hold in the anger and let it eat me up inside, don't stay reacting to it, for then it still effects me.  Stay living and loving life, each moment as an Oprah quote talks of.  My mother was in the ER on Friday, and she's "alright" now (being monitored / trying to determine what triggers the irregularities), but she could have gone.  Even though she and I view life so differently from each other and it can be a struggle at times to deal with each other, we both try, we both do love each other, sometimes even enjoying each other, too:)   Letting go of the things that are little petty things, remembering fondly the things that are wonderful little blessings in life instead:) to me, helps keep me more sane.  I don't wish to be jaded or bitter or super distrustful.  I'd rather embrace peace and the joy of life and each other.   
Which all sounds sappy as hell I suppose.    Protect myself, sure, but not to the expense of not feeling and not living.   Sometimes, withdrawal is good and even healthy, just not forever.   Of course I've been hurt, and I may again.   I believe love is worth the risk, loving my grandmother and having that close relationship, even if it hurt more when she died, the familial love, or loving a man and the romantic love, even if one was shipped out to sea, known he would be, for example, some years ago.   Share the moments we do have in this life together even if it's known they will be limited.  It's too short to close oneself down and get too jaded or cynical, IMHO.   I'd rather believe someone's story and take the risk that it's true and I'm being conned, not spam stuff mind, then not be of emotional support and it end up, their story was true, they needed just a touch of kindness.
This is the Oprah Winfrey quote I read today (and yes, Uncle Billy didn't need to be my guardian angel any more after my Grandma died, too, and perhaps I have others up there in heaven as well)  Okay, sorry for the sappy, I'm going to love the cd's and the gift BJ sent me as well:)  Oh yeah.  
Now on to get groceries to my dad and pay my store credit card in person as this one doesn't let you pay it online unless you agree to no paper statements.........  good evening, all, and may your voting dreams come true, too!    (I did ponder getting my father registered to vote again, eh, if I know he'd be lucid enough next time, it'd almost have to be via absentee, how many housebound people, elderly or not, end up without a say?  Hmmm.) 
From A Prayer for America
Sunday September 23, 2001
Oprah Winfrey

I believe that when you lose a loved one you gain an angel whose name you know.
Over 6,000 and counting, angels added to the spiritual roster  these past two weeks.

It is my prayer that they will keep us in their sight with a direct line to our hearts.
May we all leave this place and not let one single life have passed in vain.

May we leave this place determined to now use every moment that we yet live to turn up the volume in our own lives, to create deeper meaning, to know what really matters.

What really matters is who you love and how you love

If any of this makes sense :)

1 comment:

  1. It's your birthday Robin?  Happy Birthday.  I don't have you on my B-day alerts.  Enjoy your day.  ~ Mike