Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Christmas Wishes

I send M off to school this morning with gifts she and I have picked out for her two teachers, and her Secret Snowflake.  And the last of the homework due before school lets out at noon tomorrow, DONE, phew.  It's really been piled on, two presentations (the Bolivia country report was presented in Spanish, and with props), a chemistry project and an art project, finals, rewrites and new writing assignment, spelling and math, and even seminar reading and questions on Agent Orange.  In these 2 days.  Are they nuts?  One Christmas wish was that I could be sure M got this all finished, realistically, planning it all out carefully this past week and longer.   A couple times, it's as if God helped open doors for us to let her stay working on it.  So much work, she wanted to complete it all on time or early.  NOW, well, after her school work today, she can relax, too:)  Tomorrow they will celebrate!   We can enjoy now!

We'd gotten Secret Snowflake his gift from the M&M store in New York City, only open 9 days!   All the students wrote down their wishes; he'd written cheap chocolate.   None we'd seen previously seemed quite right to M.  The second floor of the M&M store includes ceiling-high tubes of colored M&M's, that can be mixed and matched in colors not seen in the typical store.   M chose Christmas colors, wrapping the large bag this a.m. in an M&M gift bag and generic hand-made card.   She's afraid he may like her, so she didn't wish to get mushy or flirty at ALL, no Hershey's kisses, no special card.   Just in case.   That'd be horrific, apparently.

Mo will get "juicy" Expo dry-erase markers.  There was no question in M's mind that this would be her gift for Mo.  Um, okay.  At least I know it's something Mo will use!  It's hard to tell for a teacher gift sometimes.   I was getting amused listening to M relay stories about Mo and how particular she is with her markers:)   Mo wants them juicy, and to be Expo.   Mo won't use some colors, such as seafoammist green or some such name, as it's "too distracting."   "What about this set, honey, it even has a special eraser."  Hmmmm.   M would ponder, checking out the colors.   We settled upon a multipack of about 15-20.  M put on Mo's card that she can give any extras she won't use to Mr. Lang.  :)   (Mo also got some cinnamon tea just because it seems like her.)

Mr. L is the environmentalist outdoorsy person.  I'd found a book on mountain biking in the MD/DC/VA area.   Others had better titles, but this one offered what I was looking for.   It had maps, what to expect at different mile markers, the terrain, etc.  The store was out of my favorite C&O Canal book, the others not really emphasizing what I wished (not even including my favorite Locks with more than a passing nod).  The mountain biking book is more usable for him, heck, he could hike these trails, too, perhaps with students along.   He's not from here, so may learn of a new place.  With a 25% off coupon and a store credit, I could get this:)  M was not so convinced, for I screwed it up and told her it was a dirt biking book.   "Well, will your dad like it?"   Um, his interest is more mountain biking, also.  The option was a pair of nice homemade mens wool gloves I rediscovered from my items from Bolivia.   M gave me a big smile this a.m. when I showed her the book, along with an explanation on the difference between mountain biking and dirt biking.  LOL.  I knew the difference, just spaced.

(Update: Mr. L said he'd almost bought this same book for himself but held off! and Mo offered happy thanks as well, so M was pleased.  She received a talking poinsettia.)

M was speculating.   "Hmmm, I've spent so much time wondering just what to get [Secret Snowflake], I forgot to guess what I'll get!"  She thinks she knows who has her, though, and is happy.   That girl will get something M will enjoy, and has even left M secret notes.  "I think she'll get me horse stuff, knowing [girl], that's what she'll get me.  I also put down cheap jewelry."   Previously, she'd told me her $10. max ideas were horse stuff, and gift cards to either Michael's (arts and craft store), Aeropostale, American Eagle (not that $10. goes far there), Borders, or Starbucks.   She's 12 years old, asking for a gift card to STARBUCKS?!  LOL.   We ran into Art Teacher, who smiled at M, and said that having known M all these years, she could see M asking for this. 

"Oh, and you can tell Grandma that I also want one of those ring fixer things."  She has binders for every subject which use loose-leaf paper.  The holes sometimes tear, requiring a little sticky-backed white paper ring to repair the holes.   Staples had a fancy gizmo that holds several of these paper rings in an applicator.  I did get her the wire shelf with suction cups on the back, for M to use in her locker.   I should add "office supply store" to her potential list of gift cards:)

The other day, I mentioned to M that Teada has a new cd out.   "Can I get it!!!!!"  She just might:)  http://www.teada.com I wish they sold t-shirts, too.   Basically, a "boy band" out of Ireland, who play traditionally-styled Irish / celtic music, and M just adores, and I like.  Avril Lavigne may have a new cd out?   Sarah MacLachan has a Christmas cd out, that I've read is "eh."  Hmmm.   But, "eh" for Sarah MacLachan has still got to be rather spectacular and listenable.   Seeing the cd U218 had me telling M without a doubt, I'd enjoy that one for Christmas.   Some great songs listed on that one.

And peppermint lotion.  "Peppermint lotion?"  "Well, yeah.  You know I had to go into almost every store in the local mall to find you angel wings and a halo for the horse show."  "Ah, Mom, is there something you want to tell me?"  lol   See, there was this big display of it outside of Bath and Bodyworks, so I had to try it.   I have peppermint soap and lotion in my bathroom right now, too.   I'm in peppermint mode:)   Even treated myself to some candycanes.

Saw a burgandy velveteen purse at World Market that's real pretty, and will work well enough.   I'm to be surprised when I open it, lol.   The 40% off coupon helped:)   Of course, M saw things for Si, and her three cousins from her dad's side, and nice reddish candles for Sh.   She's a very giving child.   M even bought chocolate golf balls for her uncle on her dad's side, as she saw them and they reminded her of him.   She never asked me for money for that.  I did pay for most of the other things.  Ahh, it's so neat to see her enjoying giving just the right gift!

M may have forgotten that she wants the Little Mermaid dvd.  I did get that:)  Anda tinkerbell traveling mug that looks very grownup.  And some clothes.  That child has grown again just this fall, at least an inch.  Step Up is a movie we saw in Maine this summer about a performing arts high school in Baltimore, and a foster boy who ends up trading his street gang ways to infuse a different dance viewpoint, and becoming a student himself.   I haven't even seen it out.   Maybe sometime, she can get that, too!

And a glue gun (for arts/crafts), only about $2., for a project she may do for the dance troupe gift exchange.

And M'd really mostly like a solo dress, 'can't everyone just put their money together."   I know money isn't easy to come by, and there is an issue about whether or not it's okay any more.   Others her combination level have them, Ma has okayed it for M as soon as M made prizewinner last Spring, but she's not ALL prizewinner.   Ma prefers girls wait until then.   Still:)  For shows and stuff......
I let her know that seeing the Rockette's is really a Christmas gift, too, from my mother, and she (and I) both know and understand that.  In Bryant Park, we saw fun gifts, M picking out a pink tee with a glittery NYC skyline on it.   Mom got M a hat and scarf set for both M and Niece.   It doesn't match a thing M has as outerwear, lol, but, she likes it and wears it.   Even if she'd have been perfectly fine without any of that.  Heck, I still want eyeglasses, I need them, but, I'm fine without them still as time goes along.
Mostly?  I want "Better Days," like what the Goo Goo Dolls sing about.   In some ways, it's what M wants, too.  The "real" things in life.   Yes, we'll visit "Winter Lights" again, for charity but for us, really, for our annual tradition.   This year, Md will join us.  Last year, BJ joined us.  Magical, twinkling lights.   "I've already been through there this year, Mom."  Huh?  M, Md and others in their class played frisbee golf near there recently in the daytime.   She is not so happy that the big swan? on the lake isn't there any longer.   We'll put up the ornaments, wrap around garland on the cat tree which she keeps insisting will be our Christmas tree this year (even if I'm not convinced yet).  
M's in a school she loves, feels very comfortable in, I love FOR her, and I'm struggling to keep her in, financially, but it's worked all these years so far.  I want her challenged enough, thinking, learning, exploring.  I want her healthy, in body and mind and soul, and happy.  Even if we're both sick with bad head colds right now, mostly we're healthy. 
I want peace.  Mom got fussy with me early December.  Mom, get your own journal!   Don't take things out on ME!   She always has, really, only verbally not ever physically.  Still.  One of the things was Mom being upset that Dad hasn't paid Mom back yet the full amount she's owed.  Finally, I had to acknowledge her feelings and words, which I did mostly agree with, and let her know Dad's problems aren't technically MY problem, either, and that I do not wish for discord between her and I.   Please, Mom, be angry at Dad if you wish, just be angry at HIM for it, not through or at me.  I didn't need or want that pressure, or to be in the middle, sins of the parents don't put on the child.  And, she stopped. 
I want peace, and better coparenting.   M was allowed to attend the December school horse show.  She SO wanted to be in Octobers they didn't allow, AND this one.   We'd spent most of the week getting her and her horses costume ready.  And she'd laugh watching her friends riding the "Sit a Buck" competition (she had gotten out already), in a white satin leotard with a huge white ballerina skirt over her riding pants lol.  She called me the night before, C in the background hurrying her off, her obviously insisting on calling as he never allows it typically unless Court Ordered.  Yes, honey, I already dropped off x,y,z, today and just have the halo to make and the felt ornaments to finish, yes, I'll meet you.  Her whispering that she hadn't told C or Sh that she needed a check, too, but she'll bring some of her money from her dads.   I gritted my teeth, bit my tongue, not happy that she feels uncomfortable with this, knowing I had not received child support at that point and couldn't pay this, Sh said for M to sign up, BUT, I would NOT put M into parental strife, nor would I let her pay.  I overslept but it was fine.  I helped her and the horse, she was happy.   C returned with her breakfast, sitting in such a way to block me, whatever.  Twice I told him I had found the jeans from his home, the very bottom of our clothes hamper, here, please take them (washed and folded).  The second time, he didn't ignore me.  After the girls went off on their own to the inside ring, to watch, I left for a while.  I wanted C to be able to interact with M, and I was rather forcing it:)   Ugh, I mistimed my return, missing one of her competitions.   She was okay with my apology.  C had her 2nd place ribbon stuffed in his pocket.   Yeah, then a first place on her jumping! :)  I took a couple proud momma photos of her, the tree topper angel on top of Christmas tree Echo.  C raced over, snatched her blue ribbon off of Echo, and stuffed that into his pocket, too.   I almost laughed; it was SO daggone petty.  HER ribbons, C.   (Another day, M and I were looking at her horse ribbon collection, I told her that they were hers, if she wishes to keep them at his house, that's up to her, if she wishes to bring them home, they are hers, and she may do that.   M told me gravely that she wants them home.  I stayed upbeat, "Wherever you want them, honey, they are yours.")  There were requests for help moving the jumps, and he helped, and again with something else.  (Wow, okay, this is good, he's feeling welcome now, what both Barn Director and I wanted.)   I'd help hold M's horse or talk with her, sometimes talk with other parents and riders, C and I were both there as parents, just not right with each other, and this was good.  Her relay team got second place on Greta out of three, all laughing at trying to eat doughnuts and return "home."  M kept calling for me to stay in the stable with her, her her, while she took care of Echo after returning Greta.  C was around, too.  Sometimes, I'd talk with him, or try to.   Finally, he did respond, as if normal conversation.  Just a sentence.  Still, it's an improvement I'm glad for, for M's sake.  She doesn't require either of us, really, to help her, but, in another sense, she needs both of us there to support her.
I want peace.  I don't want hassle with C this break, over pickups and returns.   Wow.   Seems I will get peace with that, due toan e-mail from C last week.  Thanks, Lord.   None of us need that stress!
M has always shared Christmas Eve / Christmas Day with both of us, and our verbal agreement was to alter where she spent that night.   He is not a church attender (he says he believes and prays daily, who am I to judge what's in his heart in regards to his relationship with the Lord?, but organized religion is NOT for him, okay, fine).   Last I talked with C about his feelings towards Christmas mornings, he still was NOT fond of them, due to how his parents dealt with them, later divorcing which I suspect was ugly.   Most years, C would switch time around with me, M spending that particular portion of Christmas with me, instead, but him always still seeing her.  Until last year.  The Court Order has a new plan, alternating 3:30pm Christmas Eve until 12 noon Christmas Day.  Period.  Ack, so no mention of the other parent seeing her, say, Christmas afternoon?  I offered that to him, anyway, twice per my feeling it was the right thing, and per her sad face, her desire to know she was wanted there, too, by her daddy.   He declined.   It was heartbreaking.  I'm sure she cried.  She called him Christmas Day, all excited to also talk with Si, 3 1/2 last year, likely enjoying all her morning Santa gifts.   He didn't return the call.  M was hopeful she'd get to go to Vermont with everyone, and I told C I did not care which part of Christmas break M was with me.   He wished to follow the Court Order, and went without M.   Granted, his favorite relative, his beloved grandfather was dying.  I told him I was sorry to hear of that, and I meant it.  But, bring M along, then, or at least call her on Christmas Day.  Something.
This year, M is scheduled to be with C Christmas Eve night.   I was preparing myself for this.  I'm wanting M to have a relationship with her father, and all of her family.   I hate not sharing Christmas Eve with her, though.   Preparing myself for that evening candlelight service.  Remembering that very first one with M, her safely inside of me, and us sharing holy communion.  I understood more clearly how Mary had felt.  Not that I was a virgin nor do I claim to be perfect:)   I didn't have Gabriel per se.  Still, Iunderstood.   Being alone.  God was there for us, he is blessing us, forgiving me, whatever, spreading his love.   How likely I'd be to give birth if riding on a donkey in my 9th month of pregnancy.  
All those Christmas Eve services with M, and the one I'll never forget.  Her first candlelight Christmas Eve service.  Wow her eyes so big, taking in communion and the lights, there eager to watch an older girl sing the Silent Night solo.  It's a special time for the two of us.  She loves it.  However, would not be Christian of me to ask C to give that time up with her.   Would not be right of me to ask M to give up her time with C, either.
His e-mail basically relinquished seeing her over Christmas Eve or Day at ALL.  Not even an ask to reswitch to another timeframe.   I gave him a day to reconsider.  Why does he do this to M?   Doesn't he see how heartbreaking this is for M?   I told him that she mostly wishes to see both of us over that timeframe, but if this is how he wishes to handle Christmas 2006, it works for me.  
I eased M into this, spun it.   I learned via Sh that Sh was trying to plan Christmas with C's family over New Year's long weekend.  (Yep, Sh had Si in a feis, and then called to see about having M attend, as she'll be with them.  The next day, Sh called back, won't be traveling there to the feis where C's sister lives, but will have M's two cousins come over, instead, maybe others.   M has missed seeing them, the ones who live in Delaware I called to have come watch her dance there.)  Told M that her dad is letting us go to church services, "Wow."  M was shocked.   He did mention it, but still.  She actually seems okay with it this year, happy to get to church services, OUR candlelit church, not even Grandma's is the same.   I do NOT get why C would not see his own daughter over Christmas, especially as we're all fairly local to each other, and he living near my mother's/Bob's.  Maybe he's seeing other family then, Sh's dad maybe?  
I'll fill up her stocking on Christmas morning, now.   We'll have a chance to put out reindeer food, and Santa snacks up high so Daisy won't "help" eat them.
I wake up one December morning, warm white furrballs next to me.:)  My little family.  I wish to protect them, do right by all of them.  I have all that I need, really, even a nice boss at work who is telling me not to push myself while being sick.  Other than some financial stuff I'm working on that's, um, could use some prayer and more work, big issue, and then figure out my dad's, and do my taxes.  Dad IS getting two meals a day, weekdays now, which is a step.  My mother could have died early November, instead, she's shaking her booty in New York City, lol.  M is growing, and doing great:)  (And, as this is public, I don't talk details about BJ.)  Yes, life can be good.
Merry Christmas, all.  

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

www.LyricsTop.com ]



  1. I'm a big Sarah MacLachlan fan myself, that was one of the hints I dropped this week. ;)

    Definitely better this time of year when everyone gets along. Never seems to work out here, but we'll see if this year can be the exception.


  2. I love the GooGoo Dolls. Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!  Hugs,TerryAnn