Tuesday's update

So I get a notice to print off something in color and realize, oh, I forgot to get my new!! color printer set up and I gave away my other one......   it's only sitting right here, but I got caught up in meetings and flights and hotel reservations and helping the new person figure out where in our DC building he's to go tomorrow for a meeting........  but at least I have someone who'll print the item off in color, and got the meetings and other stuff set well:)

I finally decided around 3 or 3:30 to eat some lunch, microwaved Amy's frozen veggie lasagne that pretty good, btw.   I usually wait for the food, stretch, do ballet, whatever, but didn't have the patience to wait the full 5 minutes (never mind turning it for another 2 minutes).   It was partially VERY hot and partially not cooked.  I should know better.   I'm patient with children and pets and living creatures, but not microwaves apparently.

That was my emergency stash food.   I'd not eaten at lunch b/c the financial assistant at M's school called me back.   The teacher decided she wanted the cash.  I was a bit amused, really.  The school does charge payments, often, but I think that the teacher felt rushed and didn't know how to deal with that or wish to bother dealing with it.   Whatever.   I did get out long enough to run to that bank and drop the cash off with the "office administrator" who is wonderfully helpful.   I wasn't sure I'd have the time, but I barely did so hey.   Only b/c I work so close by, and the teacher knows this of course, cuz she'll call on me to help out throughout the years and stuff.  

But, in the vending machine/microwave room, doing my stretches, my mind wandered to dancing and tonight.  I have M's clothes with me, check, water bottle, check, snack, check.   Daggone it.  I knew I had to stop home at lunch, for her two pairs of dance SHOES.   UGH.   Well, guess I will drop her at class, hope they're doing soft shoe first and she can dance in her socks, and then swing home to p/up the shoes and walk the dog/feed the pets.   I just hate having her look bad and unprepared.

Also meant to call the magnet school's program coordinator during lunchtime, and confirm for Friday for M to shadow V, but, we have talked and it's not a big deal to leave her a message and/or just call tomorrow.   Still.  I was thrown off schedule.

I do, however, have my boss okay, the most important thing of course, M is likely enjoying barn time b/c she almost always does, and did I mention, it's GORGEOUS outside!  :)   Walls of pollen scratching my eyes, but GORGEOUS:)   Bet she gave Corey a good training session today, hopefully!   She's worked hard w/ Corey and everyone is pleased at the payoff so far.

 

orange swirl

I've tried to think lately just how to describe what it's like to have ADD.  I have a few concepts I like:)   Swirling thoughts.   Sometimes, swirling by and around, it's as if I feel like I'm drowning.  That's not such a good thing when it's that bad.   Swirling as if one could just reach out and pluck a random idea in her hand, something minor or major and it's as if they're equally important and as likely to be mulled over or half-forgotten, and not grabbed.   That's a problem -- how to differentiate and recall what's important, even while sure, notice the rest, but not to the distraction of what's needed.  

Sometimes, it's not exactly swirls.   Then again, often thoughts do have some relation to each other, just skipping along rapidly instead of stopping and slowly going forward from a to b to c to d........ on to, say, r.   Sometimes, one can go from a to b, see b as practically the same as d (and, it is), and flip on to, say, v, b/c there is some connection between d and v in my head that's personal so I won't relay it here.  Or something blows outside the window, and I remember, oh, w.   It's been fun the couple of times when my boss and I both jump immediately from, say, b to d to w, and we don't have to stop and explain how, or apologize.   He might not get v as readily, but he'd not find it odd if I said, oh, d reminded me of v -- can we go to that now?  

I also think of chaos, the concept of the ADD/ADHD mind as beautiful as the Chaos Theory is.   Have you ever seen photos of that?   I almost took up a college physics course after the book, and movie, but more the book, Jurassic Park.  Okay, it helped that I was seriously dating a physicist, and his housebuddies and friends were mostly physicists, too.   He and I shared that book, and he could explain some of it to me.   The photos are beautiful.  Chaos isn't actually as out of order as one would think, either.  There are patterns to it.   Within the chaos, there are patterns, and there is beauty:)

But, I think orange swirls more than caramel somehow, orange sherbert swirls in vanilla ice cream:)   One might have to go around and through and get scattered about, but there is some connection and some jumps to ones thoughts.

I do realize how utterly difficult it may be to read most of my journal entries.   I'm sorry about that.  What I do, typically, is just type right out of my head, thoughts as fast as my fingers can type them.   However they come out.   I do this in part to help show how my mind functions, for myself and anyone else reading.    When I'm thinking more clearly, or focused on one topic, it's easier.   When I'm just spilling out my thoughts, yikes.   It's a snapshot in time of my brain in motion.   I find it easier to read something orderly.   I'm sorry if others need that and can't handle this.   I understand:)   No worries.   Sometimes it helps me to just vent on here, too.  

I swear I'm ordering orange-swirl ice cream next time I see it offered, though:)   Or caramel.....

Tags: ADD, ADHD

it's Tuesday again; money woes

Well, Girl Scouts last night that was alright.   Lasted long b/c the last meeting before the picnic/party/awards night.   (There is a swimming night, too, but when M is with C and likely Si's b-day party night, too.  I'll let M decide if she's telling C or not.  It's doubtful he'd let her go even if not Si's birthday party day/night, but hey, up to M if she wants to or not, if she does, we'll let him know.)   Guess this woman is still going to just stay planning EVERYTHING.   Not having me involved, even, and I'm the coleader.   I did help her figure out what requirements were met for what IPP's (what they call badges / try-its at that level of GS), and what fun patches, etc., but still.   The girls should be planning EVERYTHING at this point, so WTF???   In DD's old troop, they started planning out and budgeting when older Brownies, and of course all through Juniors.  This is supposed to be a Cadette troop, and the leader is doing 85% of all of the planning.  Whatever!  :)

 

M was concerned last night b/c I reminded her of a feis class Saturday -- it's in preparation for a feis, i.e., dance competition, she's in on Sunday and has known for months, told me she wanted to do this feis, etc.   But, "What time is the class Saturday, Mom, b/c of the show."  Huh?   She thought she'd told me all about a horse show she wants to be in, to show Corey, the horse she's been training.   Ugh.   She fully believes she told me, and I entirely do NOT recall that conversation at all -- if she dreamt it or if I was too far away and didn't hear her, I don't know.   The timing works out beautifully, and it'd be great for her (and for Corey), but gosh.   That's money.   These 2 weeks are very tight monetarily.   I reminded her I'd just paid for her to go to camp with her class next week and I didn't know if I had enough for a horse show.   I don't think I can charge it.   I DID just make my last payment to the school for the year, yeah! :) so I can catch back up (pay back down) on my charge card this summer, but still.    She does about 1 horse show a year and now she gets another opportunity that'd be perfect, but it's NOW?!   Oh, well:)

 

Wrapping up the end of the year mostly.   Way overdue with some forms for next year, etc.  My ADD has kicked in so badly this year it seems.  I didn't mean to not fill them out yet, and I did only misplace them once (for a while).   I can't have the "set up" charge for next year's financial contract happen until 2 weeks from now, anyway, but in theory, I can just tell them that part.  It's the rest of it.   I wish I had my taxes done, too, b/c then I could apply for the financial aid.  It's just too overwhelming for me.  I have a mind for details; I have a mind for math.  I do NOT have a mind that can organize this stuff sufficiently to DO the details and the math.   DOING them is the easier part, almost.   Gathering / organizing is not....

 

Need to find out what is happening for SURE with dance camp, b/c it alters how C and I will do the summer visitation schedule, and, um, M's/my mom's/my trip to Maine, too.    Hopefully tonight at class, b/c I have to write him again about it, but can't yet.  (I saw he wrote me yesterday on it, was too busy to read it with work and Girl Scouts, even missed my dance rehearsal last night to spend time w/ M, but I won't be able to respond to his response (I'd written him first but some time back), anyway, until after tonight.  Sometimes I hate it when he writes b/c I just cringe, not knowing if he's going to lash out and what stuff is inside of it.   It is, however, better than when he and I would "talk" over the phone and he could just yell whatever.)

 

Haven't heard more from any guys but I didn't anticipate that and am fine with it.   Oh, BJ wants me to visit him in in his city, too:)   He'd said that probably a year ago, too, but somehow it didn't happen.   I won't let that slide again.   I meant to check out flights yesterday, at least for cost purposes, and if the band, Train is playing there, but got too busy at work.   I didn't realize he also liked Train, and wouldn't that be fun for us, with M even, or?   Maybe that'll be our third band, in a way, first is Howie Day, second is GooGoo Dolls/Better Days song (awesome song), and yeah, Charlie Brown's Christmas is maybe in there, too, I forgot, and we both love it and he made me that cd of it, oops, shouldn't go forgetting, so maybe if Train becomes one of "our" bands / songs, it'll be fourth.

 

M has until June 9th.   She shadows a high schooler in a magnet program this Friday and is way excited.  Heck, the coordinator for the program is pleased, too, so, good.   BJ almost laughed, "Weeks?," he says.   Um, yeah, just a few more weeks.   His second oldest is out of school, his oldest finishes exams this week, and I think his youngest two are done this Friday, also.   I don't remember when Maine gets out, and we'd hoped to get to Florida this summer, too, where my high school roomie lives but she and I lost touch when I had to switch my e-mails, tho I've written her.   Maybe she was just busy then.  

 

Tis summer, and, well, I will include (BJ's town) in my plans:)   BJ also said he'd be in my area often the next 6 months.  

 

Br just IM'd -- he's going to Ireland tomorrow for only 5 days.   That'd feel like a tease to me, being gone only that long, but hey, it'd still be lovely! 

 

UGH, M's teacher just called.   They upped the cost of M's camping trip by $40. and the teacher's upset with ME b/c she thinks I had sufficient notice.  Um, no.   The note in February said the dates only; I'm excited and so is M for the trip.   I estimated by the cost of last year.   $40. more on top of a large amount, is a HUGE amount.   The teacher is even a friend of mine, yet she's annoyed with me somehow.   I explained how the just over 2 weeks notice for the money (note gotten May 3 evening, due May 19th, the cost of last year's which is steep enough, plus an ADDITIONAL $40., is just not realistic for budgeting purposes).    Then she's upset b/c she's in the middle of a lesson, but she's the one who had called me.   Anyway, I sent the note on Friday about this, said I could not pay Friday (I couldn't).   The trip is next week.   They asked for checks made out to the school, not the camping place.   Just happens I'm out of checks (at least, I think so), UGH so I asked Friday if they could do a charge Monday, or if they needed cash, and that not having a check itself is my fault not hers, but the lack of notice is still insuffient.   The teacher read the note today.   I'm really not tryingto be complicated.   She says she understands my situation but, "Come on, only $40."   Um, yes.   It makes a big difference to me/us, money IS that tight.   Of all the people there, I really thought she'd understand.   She even referred to her notice in February, but that listed only the dates, and NOT the cost.  (I had said in the note that I wasn't complaining about the cost, but lack of notice for it, and even 1 more weeks notice would have made a difference.  And, that is true.  I'd have paid less at my end of the month bills to compensate for this.  I told her, honestly, that I'll be charging our groceries these next 2 weeks (not that $40. would have made all the difference there, but the entire cost of the camping added up makes it that hard, yes.) )   "I had no idea there wasn't a check in here."   Um, well, that is something I'm sorry about, but if they weren't going to be required until today, I could have maybe reordered checks and gotten one n TODAY, don't insist they be turned in Friday, then, I guess.   I should have sent a postdated check, but I'm apparently out of checks, but I had offered two other ways of handling it, on Friday (charge to M's checking account, or I can pull the cash out of there and drop cash by).   I'm sure she's a bit panicked now.   I was when I saw the trip is extra expensive this year.  

 

Sometimes, having to pay everything by myself is really hard.

 

M has $20. for yearbooks right now.  It was $8. for pizza last night b/c I was at the meeting, too, and if I ever say, "I don't have it," to the leader, that I won't eat, she ends up paying it herself (and insisting I go ahead and eat "leftovers") so I feel badly.   It was the last night for the year, and M expected to eat pizza w/ the girls and not something I'd have packed, and I just did not have time to call and say that yes, I could be there still, M&I would both come, but we'll have to skip the pizza.   So, whatever, $4. each adds up and I HATE that.....   It's $15. for the commerative t-shirt at the camp they go to next week.   Fantastic camp, btw, I'm THRILLED she gets this chance:)   And $7. for the dance company t-shirt all the dancers are getting made that were in this town's dance company this past year, commerative and bittersweet as it's canceled now for future years.....   and a great price.   I think one of the dancers (V is coordinating) has a friend making them for part of an art class or something, not sure.   And $3. every Friday for hot lunch.   No, $3. isn't a lot, no, none of this is a lot, but it's those little things that I must be sure to budget in right now to be really sure it's there for her.  

Plus, of course, the "big" bills, some of which will have to wait until next payday, and gas for the truck and groceries, anything that can be charge right now, will have to be.   I hate it when money is this tight, I sure like having enough of a cushion to just pay what's needed, yanno?

 

I will really need to see the costs for this horse show, and talk w/ the barn manager as to how to pay for them.   The costs paid to THEM I think she'll let me delay (the trailering costs), but the cost for those who host the show, usually they like a check.   Last show, the cost for the show-runner was $30.   Still not a lot, but it has to be there, and it adds up, and M may need to pay that part herself out of her money.   I hate that, but if I don't have it, I don't have it.   I'd pay her back (for this).  

 

Oh, and at the feis itself, food is sold and vendors are there with dance-related items, and she usually likes to get a t-shirt from the feis, too.  Ugh, I'd forgotten, tho most take charge cards, the food vendors want cash, understandably.  

 

And last night, I thought her feet had grown, lol, if they had, oh well, she'd need new shoes, but if they had NOW, the timing would almost be laughable.   M's had the same size foot for almost a year now, which is 1/2 size smaller than mine, so yeah should could wear some of my shoes, that aren't really her style and are old, but most likely get her new pairs b/c once she grows, she'll GROW I think.   She did like my pink sandals, though:)   Yeah, I do, too.   She does have new (used) hardshoes she could dance in, and her riding boots came bigger than ordered and so would still fit, and perhaps better.

 

It will be an okay day:)   It will.   It's COLD today, bright outside and windy.   Allergies amuck.  Meg's tummy hurt last night AND this a.m., part of why I called the teacher back so quickly in case (tho she did say, not an emergency).   I even let her eat 3 small chocolate kisses this a.m. with breakfast b/c I know that the cocoa helps w/ tummy aches, at least, mine, that and mint or ginger.   She was excited to eat them:)  lol   Maybe, psychologically, they'll help, anyway, right, placebo effect?   

 

M rides Corey this afternoon, and gets info on the show.  She is psyched for it -- I'll try to make it happen:)   There's an end of the year mini-ceili with my dance group tonight; M will join in (used to dance w/ them, too), depending on how long her dance classes go tonight.   I need to write that teacher about an upcoming festival.......  (on Father's Day but if C is asked along w/ everyone else in the group e-mails, he might let M go, if he doesn't have other plans which of course it's "his" day but still, this could be great fun for all of them, it's a nice festival I'm also in but a different day).

 

At least when I talked w/ the school, I got to talk w/ the woman who assists the financial person, and I told her I'd relook for the forms, that it's certainly me who has them and not them as I'm the one with ADD, and she was really nice and said to just let her know in a few days one way or the other (if she should send me new forms).  :)  So, THAT is good:)  There is no way I'd have M miss out on the next 2 years there........ it's too great of a program.

 

Somehow, I can parent usually really decently, but some of those organizational details are daggone tricky.

 

Alright, back to the regulary-scheduled program.  :)  Have a great day, all!

 

(pants - black, dressy; shirt - fuschia silk/short sleeves)

Questionnaire

Okay, I'll try!  lol, not always so good with these.  

1. FIRST NAME?       Robin

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  My mom just liked the name, but my middle name, Elizabeth, is after my paternal grandmother and my aunt (dad's sister), and my daughter and my goddaughter/niece/maternal side also has it as their middle name.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?  Hmm, wiping away tears this a.m. but that was from allergies:)  not sure if I cried or not about BJ not actually able to come to my town last night or not.  I was sad about it, and daggone allergies.   My eyes tear almost constantly this time of year.  Heck, they are now, too, from pollens.

4. DO YOU HAVE GOOD HANDWRITING?  if I really want to:)

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? peanut butter!   (I'm vegetarian, mostly)

6. KIDS?   1 beautiful daughter:)

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?  

I sure hope so.  I think I'd also have to have ADD to understand myself, lol.   Well, it'd help.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?  Yes, on my computer <<you DO, L.?   Like a blog?   I just started one but I'm not so good about it, lol.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?   no.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?  no

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  No Way!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?  homemade granola with fresh blueberries, or strawberries;  although I also like oatmeal believe it or not, with 100% maple syrup:)

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  If they're shoes that tie and untie, yes, if not, then no. :)

14. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STRONG?  Yes (my definition of strong, eh!)

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?  Peppermint, or pumpkin:)  I'm really picky about those two, too.

16. SHOE SIZE?    7 narrow

17. RED OR PINK?   PINK baby, all the way

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?  my ADD is sometimes an absolutely huge struggle for me

9. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  right now, both M and BJ, but BJ and I got to talk a long time last night, so I'm feeling pretty good about him/I, and I'm looking forward to seeing M TODAY! and BJ in 2 weeks.  M was away this weekend and had to sneak to her dad's garage where they store her backpack, to get her cell phone and text me.   (Not sent with the e-mail but added here:  As BJ says, and I agree, that's just ridiculous that she has to do that.  Heck, his youngest and oldest both, separately, called him last night while he and I were talking.   And both of us doing laundry and me dishes, also....  yeah, we could have been doing a lot of other things instead!)

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?  Yes!

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING:  green dress, brown heels that, um tie, lol.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE?  blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, and a Honest Tea /Moroccan Mint Green, wow, a "normal" breakfast for once.  (And two tums.)

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?  wind blowing outside, and my typing on the keyboard; listened last night driving home to A Charlie Brown Christmas after I got too sentimental/missing BJ listening to Howie Day (yeah, okay, so he gave me the Charlie Brown cd, lol).   Listened to Matt Cunningham band live for 4 hours yesterday, too, though:)   Great music, good dance (ceili).

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?  rose, or green

25. FAVORITE SMELL?  vanilla, rose, lilac, M (okay, hope that doesn't sound weird), fresh pine forest, the ocean

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?  BJ.  (Interesting I've worked a lot today w/ others, but all online and via fax!)

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?  Smile, teeth, attitude.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?  Yeah:)

29. FAVORITE DRINK?  gin and tonic with a lot of lime

30. FAVORITE SPORT?  dancing, or hiking

31. EYE COLOR? brown

32. HAT SIZE? ???  whatever fits:)  lol, meaning, who knows, but I love hats

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?  No, tried them but it was too much work, and, I have allergies so anything else in my eyes?   Not so doable.

34. FAVORITE FOOD?  hmmm, ice cream?  I'm really in the mood for a good spinach salad with avocado right now but wouldn't call it my absolute favorite, lol.   peanut butter maybe.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE?  Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch,and the Wardrobe

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?  green dress

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both, but w/ the right guy?  Oh, yeah, lots of kisses.

40. FAVORITE DESSERT?   I think I answered that already:)  lol had homemade blueberry pie yesterday that was fantastic, fresh blueberries, could have used vanilla ice cream on top to really make it superb but didn't need it

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?  ??

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?  whomever doesn't have time right now

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?  books?  I have some I'd like to read.   I focus on trying to stay caught up with The Washington Post:)   Some year I'll read a book again.   I'd like to read Frank McCourt's one on teaching in NY (after "Tis,").  Oh, Hoot.  I'm reading some of Hoot, as I got it for M and she's doing a report on it.   Then we'll both go see the movie:) (out currently).

 WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Monet's waterlilies.  

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Didn't watch t.v. this weekend.   I think I watched some of Good Morning America on Thursday a.m. while I got ready for work, but just happenstance.  

FAVORITE SOUNDS??  NOT the sound I'm hearing now, testing the fire alarms ACK!  

Phew, silence now.  What a beautiful sound:)  Actually, the sounds of early morning, birds waking up and greeting the day.   The ocean waves.   Sound of a heavy summer rain on a roof and down a drainpipe.  Musically, perhaps a Celtic flute / pennywhistle.   Or a good drumming like a thunderstorm:)

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?  Beatles all the way.  (adding here only:   I like the Beatles, anyway, but my late cousin, Dougie, adored them.   When I'd visit Maine for the summer, or anytime but especially in the summers, we'd listen to Beatles "24/7."  His favorite was John Lennon.   I think my favorite includes Paul McCartney for his songs/poems.   I miss Dougie.   Sometimes a lot.  I guess I always will.   He and my late gram, too, the one named Elizabeth but she went by Betty.)   M, Dougie, and Gram, are my three favorite people in thee entire world, the ones I've been closest with.   Oh, if things worked out right, I'd even marry BJ, I know that without a doubt, and I've known him IRL since summer 2004, but, those three are my favorite long-term ones so far:) )

48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME?  Bolivia. (added here only:  I went there for 2 weeks with my church on a mission trip)

A wrote me back, "Are you serious?" and I responded: 

 

Yeah!  :)

 

I was a missionary with my church.   Only for 2 weeks, but it did alter my perspective on life and what's important, etc.   Sometimes I need to pause and remember that:)

 

Beautiful country, colorful people.   As poor as the dirt floors they'd sweep and sprinkle w/ water before meetings / services, in their paneless windowed churches.   And musical.   A lot of music:)

49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT?  I can multitask really well:)   If I wish to, I can actually write decently, and I have a clue about dancing.   I like arts and crafts and sometimes do okay with colors.

50. WHEN & WHERE WERE YOU BORN?  Georgetown, Washington, D.C.

51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?   L.

I wonder....... (BJ)

BJ is coming into town Sunday night, late.   Not until after the big ceili, so he can't join me there, but, at the same time, I won't miss it.   I'd have loved him to come, but hey:)

Today when I wrote him, I included that I wonder how he is.  I wonder how his kids are.  I wonder his itinerary.   I wonder how his face will feel again on mine as it's been so damn long.....

He doesn't have to be in town until Monday -- his meeting starts at noon then.   He confirmed with me my availability, then said he'd go talk w/ his secretary to make the reservations to come in Sunday night:)   Yes, I'm going in to work late that day.....  He'll have his kids before that (they were w/ his STBX on Mother's Day, of course, and a lot of last weekend).  Heck, even BJ sent me a nice Mother's Day note, from his cell phone, lol, but to my e-mail I didn't read until Monday, not my cell phone which I had on me.  That's alright:)

So, I wonder about him, about us, not so much longterm future right now, but about this visit.   His last visit was all the way back in December, and he took M and I to dinner.  M adores BJ, wants me to marry BJ, wants BJ to be her stepfather........   he likes her, too, or is very patient with her at least.   She likes the male attention, and from someone she sees as being good.   She tends to have good insight as to a guys character, at least, guys I'd consider dating, lol.  I wonder if she'll have as good of insight into guys SHE looks at for dating:)   BJ's likely not available also on Monday night, as he typically has to hang w/ officemates, but I wonder, and just when he flies back.   M would like to see him, too, and we could consider GS or not, too (also Monday).

I'd be happy to just hang with him..... I don't care where.  I think, oh, this great coffee shop in [local town], a bit Brazilian, and NOT a chain.   And yet thee best bagels are at the other place, or does he get breakfast there and just put me on that tab?   What about a nice hike that a.m., C&O Canal, take Daisy with us.   Or, well, we might be "busy," too:)   He's too respectful to just jump into physical stuff.   When we met up last Spring in B'more near BWI, we had a very respectful lunch and stuff, almost 2 hours, we both later mentioned how we were sotempted to just go into the back seat....  lol. :)

I wonder some if I'll still feel as if I love him.   Ah, heck, I don't wonder; I do.  I likely always will.   I suppose I wonder in what form, not so much now, but longer....  He lives over 800 miles away....... but, "like water."  That's our "theme" way of handling ourselves with each other, let it flow, the relationship just flow, "like water."   Sometimes I'm better at it than BJ is, sometimes BJ is better at that than I am.   He did kiss me with such great earnest in December, even in front of M!, and gave me the claddagh earrings (love, loyalty, friendship = what that stands for).   I didn't wear them when I went on a blind date, of course:) but I mostly wear them..... or ones from M, along w/ the Mother's Day necklace from M.

I wonder how we'll feel like with each other again.   Oh, and yeah, almost forgot.  I"m greyer, and wider in my hips now.   I'm smiling, though, thinking of just talking with BJ, in person, holding hands or kissing his earlobes.   I don't really care right now if my hips are wider or not, lol.   I wonder but don';t think we'll feel awkward.  December wow.  For a while, BJ was in town almost every/other week.   His company has gone through a ton of changes.   But, ha, he's now visiting in the town that borders mine, it's almost all one "town."   I'm really looking forward to just seeing him again, laughing in person, or whatever:)

Tomorrow?   M and I will join in recognizing the seniors from our church in a banquet -- and I'm one of the ones in their "roast" aka a film impersonating them which should be hysterical.   Thursday?   M and I will go to a show where music is danced to, plus interpreted via sign language, a very visual art, really.  Much of her class will go.  I'm happy we can share in that, this last time before Mrs. O goes to AUSTRALIA!!! next year.   Mrs. O and I took ASL classes together BEFORE M was even conceived, and now has taught M off and on for 4 years.........   and I'll have a great ceili Sunday.  But:)   Guess I don't REALLY wonder too much about Sunday night -- just some details.  BJ and I will both be happy.   We even promised each other that, lol, so to speak.

 

Callie Died

Subject is: Callie Died


AND a horse died, falling almost on her,

She saw it die?  how horrible.  What happened?
Am

M goes to the barn every day after school as her daycare.  Helps out, rides as often as she's allowed to (my mother pays for 1 lesson a week, but M trains, etc., and gets to ride often).   She "sets feed" and feeds, including medicines, etc.; she knows these horses.   One mare (female horse), Callie, was 28 years old.   She'd been having allergy problems and trouble breathing -- pollen counts are tremendously high lately and I think that didn't help her.   She hadn't been ridden in a long while, either.   Medicines increased to daily from 3x/week, etc.   M, plus 3 other girls her age or younger, were talking w/ Callie in the field.   Callie had cantered to try to join the other horses being let out into the fields (from their stalls and being fed, after riding lessons).   She never canters, usually trots.  The others were trotting but she couldn't keep up.   The girls were calming Callie down, it's okay, take your time, etc.  At least, in their minds.   I reminded M that this meant Callie wasn't alone, she felt cared for.  

Her eyes did something so weird M couldn't describe it.   Her breathing was bad.   Callie stumbled, caught herself.  How M was more detailed but I'm not recalling the details them clearly.   Somehow, Callie stumbled again and her legs were crossed but she stayed upright.   Her eyes rolled back into her head, and she collapsed to her left, where M was (the three other girls to Callie's right).   They called for assistance, lots of talk about where was what, got a thermometer, etc.   I'm not clear if Callie died immediately or took a few moments, tho I suspect it was quick but not completely immediately.    The girls surmise it was a heart attack.  I don't know what it was.  Sounds plausible to being a heart attack.

I tried to let M know that at least Callie was in a place where she was well cared for, even if she couldn't be ridden, etc., that she's in peace now, no breathing problems, God is watching over her, she didn't die alone, etc.....   UGH.   I'm trying not to cry thinking about it myself.

Oh no, Robin! Poor M! She must have felt awful! It's one thing to find a horse dead, but to see it die, ugh! I'm sorry!

L



Yeah, I know.......   It IS part of life, it IS part of learning and maturing.  It still SUCKS. - me

It really does. She'll always remember it, but I think since she was in a comfortable environment with people who care for her, it won't be a traumatic event for her, just a memorable and sort of scary one. Eventually the scary part will fade because it sounds like it was handled well. I'm still sorry she had to go through it.
L


Yes.  But you're right -- it was w/ caring people, who cared about the horse AND the girls.   I never even mentioned autopsy to her -- I hate to think what that involves myself and I'm not positive they'll run one.   There is a horse disease going around, but Callie's symptons were NOT like those at all.

M wasn't going to ride today. She goes w/ C. HE is working. His g/f, Sh is picking up M, along w/ Si. Si has gymnastics so Sh has M go up to the barn to wait for them. What if I didn't have daycare arrangements?  Whatever, cuz I do. (Tho last year, it was actual daycare, and I SHOULD have arranged for paying only for days she'd go with me, but, shrug, that was too tricky for me to bother with.)   But, M COULD ride (train) Corey every Tuesday and Thursday. It's just 3:30-4pm. If Sh says, NO, but Sh doesn't arrive until say 3:45/4pm, then why NOT let M ride /train? I don't get it, but, hey, C has the right to get M at 3:30. (I agreed that right after school / during carpool which is 3:15-3:30 is fine, but CO says "after school at 3:30" for Tuesdays, and "after school" (so guess 3:15) on the Fridays, interestingly enough.   Anyway, so whatever he says (or his designee, which is Sh who he sends).

But, today, M was also still feeling in pain. A decorative horse fell on M last night -- she was walking by a bookcase, I think holding Tinker, maybe another cat, and knocked the bookcase. Bam, ouch. Her toe bled but didn't seem swollen.

M also has grown a lot taller, at least 3 inches taller this past year, once growing 1 inch in 1 week! I'd made dinner, yes, MADE dinner:) (Trader Joe's cod sticks yum, the best fishsticks ever, boiled down/spiced squash, and corn on the cob yum, plus milk for M.) Anyway, always growing, had snack before dinner even, yet still hungry, M looked into the frig, "there's nothing to eat." Which is ridiculous as at the moment; we're overstocked! BAM, hit her head on the freezer door above, somehow.

M hit her head on the top of the open doorframe of the truck just the other day. I couldn't think why, until I realized she's grown and just isn't fully used to her new height/spatially, yet.
Anyway, poor kid last night was also allergy-driven, as was I, and tired, as was I. AND, Callie had died, practically ON her.   At first, I was like, okay, I hear you, are you okay, do you need ice or anything, stop whining, calm down. Stop whining, sigh. I have so little patience for whining.  But, I had to stop a moment. This was legitimate last night. "You've had a bad day...." which is some famous song right now. "You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost."  Or, as she kept complaining, "I don't like Mondays,;I don't like Mondays...." I thought of the song, "I don't like Mondays, I'm going to shoooooot the whole day down...." M wanted me to stay in her bed with her. We talked even more about Callie, after Sponge Bob band-aided her bleeding toe. I just hugged her while she cried.

I know she worked on the Africa project today (brought in her computer research even). I dropped off hard shoes in case for tonight -- being taught "Thunder" and, auditions for the performance group that got canceled last Saturday, Maureen says she'll hold private ones, "maybe tonight." GROAN. Of all nights..... I told Maureen that M was sick and likely couldn't show. DAG. But, just in case C egads lets her... (yeah right... but).   Told M it'd be for Columbia b/c no more Gburg and etc. Dropped off riding pants (for tomorrow, OR if allowed to stay long enough today, but M says she doubts it. Didn't get to reask about her toe, either.)  

AND, dropped off $7. for her field trip tomorrow. Yes, she goes w/ C tonight. Yes, C was asked to chaperone. He had to work, but Sh was to go. Except, the time of the trip had to be changed, and now Sh can't go. Didn't wish to butt in, but told M that if they can't find someone, to let me know. She smiled, "But, Mom, we wanted someone with a large van, who can hold 5 people." Oh, right. "We originally asked Dad b/c of his Caravan...." Well, at least she felt she could ask him, and also knew I'd help out if I could.  C owns his own business, he couldn't have taken off work w/ that amount of advance notice? Or, Sh can't go now b/c she has to pickup Si from Si's school. Um, C can't do that (pick up Si), just once, for Si and for M's sake? Apparently not, maybe he can't get off tomorrow. Anyway, so I asked M who was going to watch Si while Sh chaperoned, not that it was my business, but M and I were discussing logistics and I was thinking, same person could p/up Si from school, Sh could still bond w/ M and chaperone.   Amazingly, Sh planned to BRING Si along on M's school fieldtrip, of 10 students. The girl's adorable, but the school (and I) believe that that's not the time/place for sibling tagalongs. Whatever.

C (and Sh) tend to refuse to pay for M, even on those couple times C (or Sh) has chaperoned.  (And, yes, C brought along Sh AND Si on a trip, and the teacher was not happy about that after.)   M will even be waking up THERE tomorrow, they SHOULD pay. M and I remembered to send the permission slip I'd signed. She forgot to ask me for money, but I'm concerned, she'd maybe feel she couldn't ask C for it. It's $5. (I sent $7. in case, they weren't well organized about this one). I almost called the other chaperone, to relay that I'd pay him back if M didn't show up with $5.   But, the teacher may ask the students in advance of meeting w/ the chaperone, and M would feel stuck, maybe kicked out and she really wants to go on this one (C&O Canal Boat Rides, right up my "alley" actually, I'd love it, too).  I told M I'd stick money into her cell phone case (told her "the PINK case, with your "inhaler" in it) as cell phone abuser girl was nearby and would probably tattle. M was real pleased, "Oh, yeah!" She'd forgotten, harder to plan money today for tomorrow after such a night last night. Shaking my head to think C won't just pay it, but he likely won't.

Anyway, was a rough night for M yesterday. At least she got a good ride in first, before the Callie bit :(    and in the afternoon, had gone to Adventure Playground. (Their other event was canceled -- an inspiring wheelchair golfer who does golf tricks needed dry grass. It's been pouring.)

Our weekend was good, though I wish Maureen had gone ahead w/ auditions Saturday -- M was pumped for them, AND we nixed going to NYC/Ellis Island w/ Grandma b/c of them. AND both of us allergy-ridden, tho I more sick, slept half of Friday, and she brought me breakfast:) M is a good kid. We did have time together those 3 days, and w/ Grandma on Sunday, and etc., plus I let M have a playdate Sat. C often does NOT.  M's playdate was originally a sleepover, too, but that got changed.   M, a brother and a sister, and the host girl, playdate. They had fun:) And this boy, well, he's friends w/ them all. As is another boy. It's almost like they are brothers for M, even share in e-mails.  I'm glad she has those experiences which I think can only aid her in life ultimately.

Dance Recital!

I'm copying from what I wrote to some single-mom loop friends, and then added to it.

This description focused more on the "separate homes" issues b/c this loop is based on single mom issues. I really wasn't all caught up in it at the time. I kind-of didn't care. If M's hair had been curled, and it was super straight even, not even like it is when she washes it at our home, so ? whatever, but if it'd been curled, I'd have said hi to her, sure, and left the food items (I was to bring snack, so brought cheese sticks, rice krispie bars which disappeared, lol, and water), and not stayed that whole time. She liked having me there, though, so hey:) And, the show was really good and enjoyable.

Oh, and As. (from local studio) was put into the jump rope dance! Yeah -- so maybe that's why I was to express complaints I'd heard on to Ma. and E that other day. (One of the things I mentioned, basically, why bring in a dancer from another studio when students HERE wish to do it and have even been practicing it, etc.). Heck, M would have liked that, too, but didn't care for this particular show.  Overall, she wants to perfect it and perform it.

This girl, As, she even approached Ma about it, was told, "Sure," if she comes to (further away) studio to practice. Her mom is one of thee most helpful parents there, and even she is getting tired of the (other studio) focus, so said no.  I'm not ready to say no, and if M knew / remembered enough of the dance and wanted to do it, I'd have driven M there.  (That mom also has three kids, two are very young, second marriage thing.) Anyway, guess practicing Sat. a.m. was good enough or something, I'm just so glad As got in it:)   She got 95% of it down, too, ha, she did stumble slightly a couple times, but she mostly got it! AND, she's not going to be in Dance Company next year, either,so this would be her ONLY time.

Not sure about Dance Co. for M next year. Oh, M is certain, lol, she wants to. She "lives" for that and riding horses. She loves to dance and perform. Auditions are next Saturday only (naturally in other studio).   Thankfully, she's w/ me for that. (Ash's w/ her dad for it, but her dad sometimes takes her.)

Rehearsals next year are on Fridays, though. I don't get that -- football games are that night, and most of the girls are in high school and, well, a couple in band.  I'm going, ack, a weekend night, C will surely balk at that (C = M's dad). We just got notice this a.m. re: Fridays next year.

Guess all in time. I'll talk w/ Ma in advance about it, say that M could always be accepted if would be, anyway, (no way she wouldn't pass the audition, plus she's likely one of thee only if not thee only 11 year old and under auditioning from [local studio], anyway), ), and either be understudy or have it be conditional, whatever. I know the teacher's ticked at how C has been with it, and it has effected M's dances -- she's been pulled from performing two dances in shows -- and doesn't always know the others 100%. Tho, well, she does do really great when she can:)

M had me wear her new ring, from last weekend's Southern Maryland Celtic Festival "to look like yours (mine)"  during the show today b/c it hit wrong when doing one of her dances (a big Christmas step), and got it back to her after:)  But another one, left at dress rehearsal, I brought today, too, and no one has claimed yet. Had to take it off right now.

All of THIS I should put into a journal!

Daisy is snoring now:)

And, cat Indie was "walked" home by a neighbor, who found him stuck under a car, his leash caught under a tire. (Sat. a.m. before M's dance recital).   UGH, I hate when that happens and I'm glad it was a patient cat-owner, and Indie such a good boy (after being so bad for running off), "loving" to the man, and walked himself home but w/ the impressed neighbor holding the leash.  I was really relieved. Got to get him a chip, or another tag, yet another tag.  And guess not let him go at ALL when we're walking, but gosh, he has only done this twice; usually he still stays right there.

Oh, and that man and his wife have a cat ALSO born on Independence Day/July 4th! AND turns 3 this year. Like Indie and Liberty/Libby. 

This part is from this a.m./loop e-mail apparently started Sat. a.m. before M's show:

M has her four! dresses (plus a t-shirt to go over one of them for a fifth costume) for today. Her dad/g/f is to take her this morning.   But, I'll meet her there:) In theory, soon, hahaha, the cat decided he was walking w/out us and is having an adventure (GRRRRRR on a leash, too), so an extra hour walk w/ the dog and still no finding the cat, and I need to make a batch of cookies, pickup cheesesticks for snack, and THEN bring the food and M's hair things, and do her hair. Unless by some miracle they actually thought to get hair-items for her and curled it at their house (yeah right now).

D had written: I hope you have fun today and that M does too. I'm sure she will look beautiful!

Thanks, D:) She did, and she had fun!, and yeah, so did I. It went really well, too, except for one dance that she knows but she kept looking over at others, too, as if flaking out some. Weird. But, she always smiled and she did look great:)

I'm sure her dad's g/f, Sh, was not so pleased to run into me inthe dressing room. Gee, if they'd curled her hair, I wouldn't have still been back there.   It's an Irish step-dance show -- which is traditionally done with very curled hair (just this woman "Ma." does more contemporary so loose curls = okay, too).   Sh had brought the little girl, Si, to say hi to M, which was cute. (Si is M's half-sister, cute girl.) I helped some others back there, too, but did watch the show itself and didn't stay backstage.

Oh, but Sh did go back there after the show and pull M along, grabbing her things, etc. Rolling my eyes. Like everyone couldn't stay waiting for her?   Sh did rather shove the outfits to me then, too, and I asked M about her bag. They did actually wait this time for M to talk w/ my mom/stepfather and I, amazingly enough, but Sh kept the little girl from joining then, too, and heck like I cared, let the girl come over. (Tho she had seen M when going backstage w/ her mother, but hey, she's not quite 4 and waiting for her big sister whom she adores.)

Oh, and when I got back into the audience, right before show time, my mother was cracking up. I was listed in the program as one of the helpers who made the show possible type of thing (and, well, I had been helping all week w/ it). I like being a dance mom:)   My last name is D. C's last name is L. I'm never had his last name, and even if we'd married, I probably would have added his to mine, not taken his in place of mine.  LOL, I was listed as Robin L. I'm sure that didn't make him nor the g/f very happy; I don't like it but hey, honest mistake by whomever, I'm sure, so why not laugh.   I was expecting a nasty e-mail from him about it, too, as that's his typical response if M's name isn't 100% correct, blaming me as if it's my fault.   (M asked me later about it; told her that I was sure someone just made a simple mistake, and that I didn't want it that way, but I understand, and can only smile about it and go on.   She seemed relieved I wasn't upset.   I didn't grill M to see if C or Sh had said they were upset; M said she read it on the way back to C's home from the show.)

C was there, too, but I never saw him interacting with M. Sh's father was there, too, and that is nice, really.  He gives the appearance of treating his grandkids equally (not like M's his grandkid but if the g/f had been married to C, M would be his stepgrandkid, and heck, it's just decent to show up if he can, yanno?).   He's the only one (of C, Sh, Si, and Sh's dad) who talked w/ me and he is a bit phony about it all, but whatever cuz at least we can all be polite even if his seems phony. Said how beautiful M is and was shocked at the cost of the fanciest of the costumes, etc.

M liked seeing my mom and Bob (my stepfather), too:) I'm sure C did interact w/ M, but I just never saw any of it; he did talk w/ a couple I don't know [found out later, C's father and wife, whom I've not seen in YEARS nor has M], and perhaps others. I didn't pay attention to him/C, just what I had noticed while waiting for M to come out of the dressing rooms. 

Anyway, the show itself was really great:) I ordered a DVD but think I need to order another (as a gift). M showed more in this one than the B'more Museum of Art show. That one was a "for the public" show-show, great show also, but different intentions, and M stressed for that one, and only in 2? dances. Kicked out of 1 b/c C hadn't taken her to some rehearsals; M didn't know the dance well enough for a real show.

I didn't take my dad. He's not letting me get himself in decent presentable shape, and it'd have horrified M. My brother called her. Her busdriver came, and loves it:) I'm so glad. AND, glad I can give her an outing, too. 

Anyway, M had a good time and we enjoyed the interaction, actually. I think she really likes me helping her get ready:)   It's fun helping the girls, and the one boy, J, well, he's old enough to take care of himself in his fitting room, lol (he'd have been assigned a male "helper," anyway, if too young).  (I did tell the boy of all the snacks -- V and Ash's mom had also brought snacks!) One nice dance was J and V in their choreographed duet. A lot of good dances.

Okay, I think I have to write a couple more things.

Oh, wonder if this got cut off?   I wrote it via the IM to AOL Journals thing.   I can't access the journals directly from the one pc.

Tags: Irish stepdancing