Monday, August 13, 2007

I suppose it IS healthier than drinking.

I suppose it IS healthier than drinking.
Dancing is many things, including my escape. I was happy with our weekend together, M and I (with everyone else it seems). Saturday's party we got to late (as we slept in and packed that morning after not "the" fair but "Sisterhood ofthe Traveling Pants" movie with popcorn Friday night), C stayed until thee latest while we had to wait to get directions to Ma's place where Ma and I were staying over. But, it was fine enough.  Going out back felt like coming home in a way, Ma's friends place right on a river feeding into the bay. Dock and water as if a bit of Sebago Lake right here in Maryland. Ma's home where we stayed overnight Saturday was nice.  Sunday, I wrote about, mostly.

I'm glad M's found something she can "escape" with. She got me into dancing, I'm happy we can share it, I'm happy she finds peace when at "the barn."  We both love to read.  She's enjoying redesigning her room over and over (the furniture placement and things on the walls, and sometime we'll paint her trim with paint leftover from her lavendar bathroom I painted years ago.)  We all need something.

And, I knew some of what today would be.  (So I wrote of the excitement of M's dance accomplishments first, before heading to the meeting about and with Dad.) 

I wasn't as optimistic as Beth was. Doug fell (at work, not using two crutches, cuz, well, he had to work). He thought the meeting was tomorrow. Supposedly this was a team of Dad's doctors and the social worker and the family. Ends up, the physical therapist type doctor was out, so my friend (the actual PT) was subbing. The medical doctor was subbed for by the nurse (who likely knows the real details, anyway). And Dad. I'm glad Dad was included.
Social Worker called me last week to TELL me when this would be. Uh-huh. Luckily, Boss is fine with it, and I wasn't working downtown as this was a midday meeting, not evening. One of Dad's doctors visits around 2 a.m., repeatedly. That one was not there:) I had met the other two, though.
My Friend the PT told me the latest, greatest, the needs improvement "standby" items, and the better off things, worded with more spin when Dad entered. That place tends to aim to providing respect towards the patients which is good.
He has a speech therapist now, also, which confused me but what the heck. Seems it's to help him work on his memory and solving puzzles and such, not really speech therapy. I think. He has had no speech issues.  She came to visit him later in the day and seemed as upbeat as the other therapists. 
Medical Nurse talked of Dad's blood sugar. No insulin, so good, asked who checked his sugar at home. He hadn'tbeen diagnosed previously. She even seemedto waiver between him being not quite hypo (her word), and diabetic. (In retrospect, I noticed that, so I'll ahve to ask.)  He is still in the really mild stages, anyway. 

This was something I could work with and understand -- he won't need insulin shots, he does need a snack at night most nights to keep stable. Her I asked more questions of. This I can take control of with Dad, whatsnacks, Dad, you love cheese and crackers, complex carbs, is fruit alright? I'd brought him various fresh fruit over the time there, and beverages, and sugar-free chocolates and peppermint patties (sugar-free). just I think that the caffeinated ones haven't worked well on his system.  Maybe.  Oh, the oxygen levels are great, too, per PT friend, tho still needs some when exerting too much.  Etc., etc.

Social worker, albeit nice enough and professional looking and all, basically didn't do much more than apologize for mispronouncing the last name (most people do that, no biggie), tell us (me) the date Dad may (or may not, this is a guidelines only) be discharged, and give me a directory of local senior somethings. Places Dad can transfer to (temporarily or otherwise, not clear, in case he should he not go directly home), and "oh, those are in there, too" when I asked about the appropriateness of a home health nurse or aide or whatever. what are they called?  I'm SO burned outand tired. PT was best able to tell me that type of info more than anyone. So, um, am I supposd to find him a place, or who takes his insurance even?
Still not clear if he'll move home, once it's ready, or temporarily until we can get the home more ready for selling than we need to do to get him moved in, or what. SocialWorker originally, as in weeks ago, asked me about Medicaid, but I only have a smidgen clue more than I did then, as I did some searches. It's good that they're cluing us in some, giving us options, but.

Dad's frig is due to arrive wed., yeah, reschedule that, at least I got the microwave and non-fitting clothes mostly returned.  Have a better idea about shoes and tired of trying and returning shoes, repeatedly this past year.

I can handle a crisis ("real" or not -- training today and tomorrow had a few "crises" occur, fine, focus, deal). This chronic "crisis" stuff is so hard for me emotionally to deal with.

When IS his home ready? Everyone asks me. I'm the expert now liaison with Contractor. Oh, but I need to arrange for the yard work, the extra stuff we want done there, see. I forgot. I need more of Doug's input even if no way is he mobile or out of pain, and he needs another surgery (switch size of those metal rods).

PT is a former neighbor, agrees we have no space here, someone mentioned usmoving in with Dad. I don't know if that'd even work, and schools for M, and the pets, and wouldn't he still need care when we're at work / away IF he needs it, anyway? Not even clear how much. SocialWorker talked of daycares, sounding as if that'd even be a good option, wording it as recreational centers, that and Meals on Wheels.  I asked her specific questions on that and she had no answers. Sigh.  Dad smiled a bit, "I'd rather just be home." 

I want good things for dad. I just can't emotionally physically whatever, do all of it. Not unless I quit work and stopped caring for M and the pets and myself.

Or, maybe I'm just tired right now. He liked seeing the latest photos of M from the feis. With his glasseson, which he didn't have when he came into that meeting room. We all signed that we met up. Yeah okay, sure. I suppose it keeps them from being too liable. "The global picture" Beth says was hard for Beth and her husband/my uncle Len, to see dealing with her motherinlaw. I never grasp the global picture. I am truly the type hung up on the trees, the 12 beautiful live I think healthy threes cut down in the park near us last week, and and oops,miss the entire damn forest.

I talked some with Dogwalker tonight, who watched Daisy for us that 27-28? hours I was away. Her dog, Colt, loved Daisy; Daisy was his girlfriend. She had to have him put down Saturday. Chase the dog, brother to Josh the "neighborhood" cat, had to be put down a few weeks back.

Then, I think this along with Dad's issues, what hits me is my coworkers death. Today, this a.m. Cancer. No one ever said he ws that sick. I didn't know.  He's so private, but we were friends. He moved back 2 floors away from me, and no one told anyone. I happened to know he ws on extended sick leave. I did not know of his cancer, nor his recent staph infection which I suppose may have been what killed him.  He was a good man. Very socially introverted, but a good man. Catholic, spiritual, liked hikingthe canal, was a friend to my coworker friend, Suzanne when she was dying of breast cancer. We even hugged after her death, which I think shocked him at the time, but hey. Brief and appropriate.

And the stars were out so clearly tonight, and I want to take Dad outside to see them. Except I think it doesn't get dark early enough and he likes toget to bed, well, earlier than that. He always liked that constellations and we'd look through his telescope many decades ago.  M has stars on her bedroom ceiling in poor imitation ofthe ones Dad had put on my bedroom ceiling in constellation patterns. And I miss her. It's as if I go back into a funk again when she is away.

KissUp Manager is LateCoworker's boss. "I've never had anyone do this on me before." Yeah, about her again. (Her who had incidents with LateCoworker previous to her being his boss, and I always blamed her for those due to her personality and work nature.)  Boss was the one, instead, who wrote out something nice to us all, which I helped him with, respecting Coworker's privacy with dignity.  Another coworker came in to me later in the day, crying, just reading the e-mail.  "[Boss] worded that perfectly."  Good.  "I'd always go in his cubicle and we'd talk.  I just knew he hadn't been in.  I didn't know he was sick."

So if I get caught up in dance sometime? It's my way of trying to deal. Enjoy some life, too. I even liked that guy. I wish he'd have let more get closer, yet ,he had to do things as they worked for him. Like Dad doesn't want to visit a daycare place we called recreation center.
Never mind my other stresses, the bigger ones of them I mean. Now I've written this out, now perhaps I can sleep.


  1. Hey whatever they want to give, just take.  It can't hurt and your dad will love the attention.  ~ Mike

  2. I hope you got some rest...sounds like this mess with your dad is wearing you out...Will keep ya in my ;prayers!  Hugs,TerryAnn

  3. I hope you can get the rest you need. Hugs to you.

  4. Sorry to hear about your co-worker and the dogs.  Your writings bring back so many memories of dealing with social workers and all that with my grandma.  We had to find her a place and it was so gruelling.  Visiting them, then trying to arrange the financial aspects....oh it got so taxing.  I hope for the best for your dad.  I hope you got some good sleep.

  5. So much happening, it can sure be a drain ... rest, lest sleep wash over and regenerate. One of my biggest fears as a parent, besides the safety and welfare of my children, is becoming chronically ill and how it would affect our children. With our health care system in such commotion it seems to put even more stress on family members. Your dad is so fortunate to have to there with him and all that you do. Enjoyed the story of you and your dad looking at stars through his telescope. When we have meteor showers in the area, just had one last week, my daughter and I drive to a wonderful viewing area 20 miles out of town. Not easy to get outa bed at 3-4 in the AM to crane my neck at the sky. But it does provide some great memories. Once we drove all the way out there, got set up and cozy, and just as the shower was heating up the clouds moved in.  Bummer about your coworker, death can be a lonely event when the person is isolated. You had some beautiful kind words about him.

    Rest-up, life pulls us along in its wake sometimes.