Monday, October 8, 2007


It is good to have friends. My mind is too distracted and tired to write much. My father did die today. I was not expecting it. He'd been doing really fantastic.
All of his follow-up at home health providers had discharged him due to him no longer needing them, walking up and down stairs, oh, a lot, he was capable of taking care of him self and proved that to all of us.
I worked hard for him to stay living independently. Then he I don't know, caught a cold or something. Two days after his final discharge (OT and PT, as Rn had discharged him some time back), I could tell his breathing was not right. He was also weaker, but lucid and could move individual body parts, etc.
911 came, but he declined to go to the hospital, wheezing in his left lung but no crisis, I was told that they'd only come approximately 3 times "for this." Not sure what "for this" was, this wasn't his normal.
Spent most of the weekend with him and with Daisy, taking a mental break to miss M and think of how she was doing at the feis with her dad's family.
I got Dad to relent last night to me calling a doctor today, that it likely would mean some sort of medical transport. Oh, he ate, and drank, but was weaker and wheezing more. I wanted him to get an antibiotic, and anything else looked at. We watched the Redskins play. We talked of M and her feis. He was so proud of her, two firsts and a third. He'd skip Grandparents day today (he always did, but still).
So, I found him. I miss him, HIM him. Even going to Giant set me off. A friend took me there for dinner (hey, wendy's only has baked potatos I can eat and I wasn't in the mood). I'd see things that'd I'd normally pick up for Dad to eat.
The stars are bright and clear out tonight, mostly. Dad loved the stars.
Chicklet, the other night, I was so confused what to do, what options we had now, what was needed, what was doable, what was realistic. I couldn't write in here. Too many opinions when I hadn't my own yet. I hadn't enough info yet even. So I sat outside, M sleeping inside, and Daisy and Josh were there, and I cried, and I so appreciated your prayers. Seriously.
Prayer is really based upon faith. Think about that one. I've had entire entries in my head half-composed on that topic, but just think about that sentence some. Knowing you and your prayer group were still praying for my father, Doug, and I, was supportive and I needed that, without elaborating.
Oh, I did spend time with the contractor Saturday, also. And helping Dad write a letter to Ronaldo, a boy he sponsores in Paraguay, and he chose a basketball to send the boy for Christmas. And he signed his tax returns I finally dug out of the back of my car.
Friends are good, and I've had several coming out of the woodwork in real life, and some online, too. I'm going to have Irish music, but I think Bach, also. Is Scott Joplin not quite right? Beatles? He loved the piano once upon a time. I'd listen to it while I fell to sleep at night. Maybe that's what M and I need right now.
She saw me crying here and came over for big hugs:) She's such a good kid. She's doing okay (though I saw her tearing up when Youth Pastor talked with her). I reminded her of how proud he was of her.
He didn't die in the hospital. He didn't die in a nursing home or a group home. Of course, if he hadn't refused treatment Friday, he could still be alive. It was his choice, however. His mother died when she in her late 90's fell, and never got to go back home, like they used that excuse with her but caught pneumonia in the home.
It'd have been easier to just let him be put in one, but I was going to do what I could, realistically and more, as long as he could realistically, to stay living independently. That's what he wanted.

I suppose I'll have to walk those full 187.5?? miles of the C&O Canal without him.

Update next day/Tuesday:  Thank you all for your concerns and comments.  It's possible that Dad had a heart attack.  I think I missed him by maybe an hour or 2 at thee most.  People have been good.

UPDATE (next Tuesday):  Not necessarily a heart attack.  May have been a blood vessel leaking in his brain.  Or ?  Cardiovascular, anyway.  I still miss him.

Talked more with friends in the medical field.  Sure sounding as if Dad had an aneurysm in his brain (his dad did, also, I believe).  The weird part is the huge amount of blood filling and spilling out of his mouth.  In retrospect, maybe that's part of why the police originally kicked me out of the room, immediately, and started asking me questions.  Nah, it's routine for any unattended death, to rule out foul play (which they ruled out fairly quickly, even if it's intimadating and I was hyperventilating and not understanding what / why they were doing this, a rookie who didn't know to explain to me what was going on, later they were all really quite nice, even if I did have to ask them if Dad was really dead, even if I knew.  He was cold but not stiff, etc.  They'd even take care of arrangements for me if I wanted; my county provides those apparently.  Nicely, I reached Bob (stepfather) first, as Doug was in a meeting and had his phone on vibrate right then, and my church (primarily Youth Pastor (who also talked with M) and the church secretary), and could start "arrangements."  It sucks to have to make so many important decisions so very quickly.

If Dad HAD gone to the hospital, he really had a very small percentage chance of living through this, from what I've been finding out.  I really hate that he's gone.  I wish Doug had visited him that last weekend, or I'd said, "I love you" one more time.  But, he knew I did.  (Did his soul see me kiss his forehead and tell him that, after his death, does he know that I found him?)  And, otherwise, he'd have died in a hospital.  He was really glad to have finally gotten rid of all the health care people coming in and out for him.  He was proving to all of us how independent he could be, and wanted them done with.  He wouldn't have wanted to die in a hospital.

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  1. Awwwwwww I am so sorry to read this sad news this morning.May perpetual light shine upon your Dear Father and know you and yours are in my prayers.You have been a great Daughter to dad and he couldn't have wished for a finer one.Yes it is good to have friends I agree.You look after yourself and my condolances go out to you.Take Care God Bless Kath

  2. I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and the family. (((((hugs)))

  3. Oh I'm so sad for you Robin.  My deepest condolensces on your loss.  Take care or yourself.  ~ Mike

  4. Robin,
    I am very sorry to hear of your loss, and offer my condolences to you and your family. As you say, if he had to go, he went where he wanted to be at the time. Must have been quite a shock though. Don't forget that you did all you could do under the circumstances. Do not start thinking "what if", because that serves no purpose. I wish you strength in the days, weeks and months to come.

  5. {{{Robin}}} I'm so very sorry. Sending you good vibes and I have you and your family in my prayers.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear of your father's passing. You say he might be alive today if he hadn't refused help...I have always believed that when our time comes it is when God says it's time...and there is nothing that we can do. Your father is without pain now and is can count on that. My thoughts and prayers to out to you and your family...for it's those of us who are left behind that feel bad...not the ones who have passed on to that glorious place...Peace be with you and yours....June:)

  7. Very sad to read this news..Many prayers sent your way..

  8. I have always said myself when my time comes, no matter the age, I want to be surrounded by woodland so I could glance up through the branches of the trees as I breathed my last breath. Having said that, I think your Dad did what he wanted to do, he passed away in his own home, surrounded by things he loved and spent a lifetime collecting. It's fitting after hearing you say how independent he wanted to be. In the end he had his freedom to choose.....Loss is never easy, nor is grief. They strike us vulnerable where it counts the most in our hearts and love. I came by way of Guido's journal. To say sorry seems so empty, sorry doesn't make it all right. So instead I'm here as a friend, offering to read your words, when it hurts too much to do anything but cry. I'm keeping you and yours in my prayers on the smoke (I'm Cherokee it's our way of keeping someone in mind). Stay safe and loved! (Hugs) Indigo

  9. I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.  It sounds like he got to leave this world the way he preferred; still living independently.  -  Barbara

  10. ((((((((((((((((((( BIG HUGS )))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry to hear this :( My thoughts are with you , sorry to have read this late.
    Hugs and Love

  11. I am very sorry for your loss.  You and your entire family have my prayers, hugs,

  12. Guido sent me over,also.
    He knows when someone needs hugs from  J-Land friends.
    Have comfort in knowing your father  died 'his' way.
    Some people have that taken from them.
    As long as you pay homage to him in your heart and in your life,
    he will always be with you,loving you,guiding you.
    The most we can do is make them proud.****HUGS****

  13. I am so sorry for your loss.  My thoughts & Prayers are with you & your family.  
    Hugs to you,

  14. I am so sorry he spent the weekend like that, after all he's been through.  There really is comfort in the fact tht he did have what seemed to be a vastly improved life, more company & attention, even, which means a lot when you are elderly & not well, & good medical care since the fall. ~Mary

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your Dad was awfully proud of you and i think keeping him home was the best thing for you and for him. You will be okay and will get through this just take it an hour at a time and baby steps all you are in every jlanders thoughts and prayers.
    God bless
    love and hugs

  16. At the request of my daughter part of an irish poem you may be familiar with:

    Tis better far that I should go before,
    And you awhile should stay;
    But I will wait upon the golden shore
    To meet my child some day.

    When I am dead; in some lone after time,
    If crosses come to thee,
    You'll think-remembering this simple rhyme-
    "He holds a crown for me."

    I guide you here-I go before you there;
    But here or there-I know-
    Whether the roses,or the thorny crown you wear
    I'll watch wherever you go,

    And wait until you come; when I am dead
    Think, sometimes, child, of this:
    You must not weep-follow where I led,
    I wait for you in bliss.

  17. I heard about your dad's passing from Guido.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  {{{{Hugs to you}}}}   Linda in Washington state

  18. Robin, I am Amy's friend Lisa, I am so sorry about your dad, please accept my condolences, Hugs to you Lisa

  19. Ah,Robin, this is late. But please accept my condolences. You Did try so hard with your Dad, and I think that meant so much to him.
    I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner.Also sending a belated hug,dear, to you and M.
    You'll be in my prayers.

  20. I'm sorry to hear of your father. It's been awhile since I visited your journal. Hope all works out for you there are so many decisions to make. Thinking of you and your family.
    Take care, Chrissie

  21. I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing and that you found him.  May you be surrounded with wonderful memories and lots of loving support.

    Blessings to you and your family,

  22. I am so very sorry for your loss.