It is good to have friends. My mind is too distracted and tired to write much. My father did die today. I was not expecting it. He'd been doing really fantastic.
All of his follow-up at home health providers had discharged him due to him no longer needing them, walking up and down stairs, oh, a lot, he was capable of taking care of him self and proved that to all of us.
I worked hard for him to stay living independently. Then he I don't know, caught a cold or something. Two days after his final discharge (OT and PT, as Rn had discharged him some time back), I could tell his breathing was not right. He was also weaker, but lucid and could move individual body parts, etc.
911 came, but he declined to go to the hospital, wheezing in his left lung but no crisis, I was told that they'd only come approximately 3 times "for this." Not sure what "for this" was, this wasn't his normal.
Spent most of the weekend with him and with Daisy, taking a mental break to miss M and think of how she was doing at the feis with her dad's family.
I got Dad to relent last night to me calling a doctor today, that it likely would mean some sort of medical transport. Oh, he ate, and drank, but was weaker and wheezing more. I wanted him to get an antibiotic, and anything else looked at. We watched the Redskins play. We talked of M and her feis. He was so proud of her, two firsts and a third. He'd skip Grandparents day today (he always did, but still).
So, I found him. I miss him, HIM him. Even going to Giant set me off. A friend took me there for dinner (hey, wendy's only has baked potatos I can eat and I wasn't in the mood). I'd see things that'd I'd normally pick up for Dad to eat.
The stars are bright and clear out tonight, mostly. Dad loved the stars.
Chicklet, the other night, I was so confused what to do, what options we had now, what was needed, what was doable, what was realistic. I couldn't write in here. Too many opinions when I hadn't my own yet. I hadn't enough info yet even. So I sat outside, M sleeping inside, and Daisy and Josh were there, and I cried, and I so appreciated your prayers. Seriously.
Prayer is really based upon faith. Think about that one. I've had entire entries in my head half-composed on that topic, but just think about that sentence some. Knowing you and your prayer group were still praying for my father, Doug, and I, was supportive and I needed that, without elaborating.
Oh, I did spend time with the contractor Saturday, also. And helping Dad write a letter to Ronaldo, a boy he sponsores in Paraguay, and he chose a basketball to send the boy for Christmas. And he signed his tax returns I finally dug out of the back of my car.
Friends are good, and I've had several coming out of the woodwork in real life, and some online, too. I'm going to have Irish music, but I think Bach, also. Is Scott Joplin not quite right? Beatles? He loved the piano once upon a time. I'd listen to it while I fell to sleep at night. Maybe that's what M and I need right now.
She saw me crying here and came over for big hugs:) She's such a good kid. She's doing okay (though I saw her tearing up when Youth Pastor talked with her). I reminded her of how proud he was of her.
He didn't die in the hospital. He didn't die in a nursing home or a group home. Of course, if he hadn't refused treatment Friday, he could still be alive. It was his choice, however. His mother died when she in her late 90's fell, and never got to go back home, like they used that excuse with her but caught pneumonia in the home.
It'd have been easier to just let him be put in one, but I was going to do what I could, realistically and more, as long as he could realistically, to stay living independently. That's what he wanted.
I suppose I'll have to walk those full 187.5?? miles of the C&O Canal without him.
Update next day/Tuesday: Thank you all for your concerns and comments. It's possible that Dad had a heart attack. I think I missed him by maybe an hour or 2 at thee most. People have been good.
UPDATE (next Tuesday): Not necessarily a heart attack. May have been a blood vessel leaking in his brain. Or ? Cardiovascular, anyway. I still miss him.
Talked more with friends in the medical field. Sure sounding as if Dad had an aneurysm in his brain (his dad did, also, I believe). The weird part is the huge amount of blood filling and spilling out of his mouth. In retrospect, maybe that's part of why the police originally kicked me out of the room, immediately, and started asking me questions. Nah, it's routine for any unattended death, to rule out foul play (which they ruled out fairly quickly, even if it's intimadating and I was hyperventilating and not understanding what / why they were doing this, a rookie who didn't know to explain to me what was going on, later they were all really quite nice, even if I did have to ask them if Dad was really dead, even if I knew. He was cold but not stiff, etc. They'd even take care of arrangements for me if I wanted; my county provides those apparently. Nicely, I reached Bob (stepfather) first, as Doug was in a meeting and had his phone on vibrate right then, and my church (primarily Youth Pastor (who also talked with M) and the church secretary), and could start "arrangements." It sucks to have to make so many important decisions so very quickly.
If Dad HAD gone to the hospital, he really had a very small percentage chance of living through this, from what I've been finding out. I really hate that he's gone. I wish Doug had visited him that last weekend, or I'd said, "I love you" one more time. But, he knew I did. (Did his soul see me kiss his forehead and tell him that, after his death, does he know that I found him?) And, otherwise, he'd have died in a hospital. He was really glad to have finally gotten rid of all the health care people coming in and out for him. He was proving to all of us how independent he could be, and wanted them done with. He wouldn't have wanted to die in a hospital.