Friday, September 28, 2007

After the rain, is sun.

I wait for Boss to return from his meeting.  I'd picked up a delicious smelling peach praline pie for his birthday today from an Amish market not too terribly far away.  It was still warm even. 

The sky is blue now, baby blue, with big billowy white clouds and some remaining splotches of gray.  It felt nice to feel the breeze through my jacket and the sun on my face.

Last night, walking Daisy, the wind was picking up and she was on edge.  I looked up.  The clouds were moving fast, dark gray flat fat clouds ready to storm down upon us.  She'd bark or how at every distant thunderclap sound throughout the early part of the night.  (I did get in the 'season premieres" of both Grey's Anatomy and Big Shot, just happenstance as I hadn't turned on the television for myself in months, I think.  "Eh" to Big Shot, which is an improvement over the way lame Men in Trees, and Grey's Anatomy wouldn't have hooked me if I hadn't already absorbed myself into the story line last year.)  Daisy asked to go back out, then panicked some again.  The storm really wasn't too bad, and I got her to pee in her "safe spot" before letting her race back in, ears washed off and ready for bed.

By morning, ah, light rain now.  I'd finally found some time, not driving not racing from this to that and do ten other things, but to think, to feel.  To feel a lot of what I've been stoic about lately, not dealing with, pushing away.  Missing M, feeling badly about the feis (got screwed up) last weekend, and, well, my dear really good friend for years who basically not only ditched on me last minute, which we talked about and I understand his viewpoint even if not agreeing with it, but then well, not even following through.  I've lost my respect for him; I feel done.  With that pain, with repeating that pain / situation with anyone else, with him even as a dear good friend (we were not dating).  The mystique has been diffused.

So we walked in the rain with no coat on.  I could smell the wet grass and earth.  I love the feel of a light rain on my face and skin and hair.  No allergy symptons in the rain, oh yeah, M won't be having allergy trouble today, than, either.  A little girls was wearing a purple rainslicker and a colorful backpack.  I pick up a perfect leaf of yellow and reds, smiling to recall the Talbot's fall collection ad where a woman with hair similar to mine had taken time out, not to "smell the roses," but to pick up a leaf.  The rain felt great.

I have more sensory perceptors in my skin per square inch than anyone else in my high school science class (re-tested as well, etc.), by quite a bit.  I seem to be more sensitive and aware of sensory-related items than other people do, perceive things just as strongly or intensely yet with less sensory input.  Those car noises when someone unlocks, or locks, their car remotely really jolts me, for one thing; I have to be very out of it in a darkened room for me to not wake up when the sun does.  A light rain on my skin in good temperature is very refreshing for me.  I like rain and water and such, anyway, but still.  I can get overloaded easily, to the extent that some would refer to it as having sensory issues.  Hmm, compared with others, yes, at least with some things. 

This can mean that I appear to not emote, or appear to not care sufficiently.  Sometimes, sure, it's not a big deal thing, so who cares.  I do believe that some people get all caught up with the little stuff that really does not matter, relax, chill out.  More so, though, if it's something noteworthy and I don't react strongly, it's likely that I'm overwhelmed, care and feel it perhaps too much, so that I've had to push some of the images and thoughts of it away some, deal with it an hour from now, or a day, break it down, prepare myself first.  Granted, during an emergency or crisis, I just deal and do what's needed, focusing on what can and can't be done, and what should and shouldn't be done, bam, bam, road block how do we go around, okay, let's go, done.  Most things in life, sure, I can deal.  I don't know how to explain this in any way that makes sense. 

I know when one of my girlfriends cherrily asked me on Monday (or was it Tuesday?) all about our fun time out of town, and yes, it was great to get away with M, who said when we both flopped down on the bed there, "I have no obligation to this hotel."  We laughed.  She meant "objection."  Sunday was thee best of the days there.  But my friend was not, well, there, and we'd screwed up reading the signs at the feis to the point that M actually missed half her dances.  All the good and the not good and preparing M for her trip, I couldn't face getting into it with her.  Besides, her real interest is always the dating angle, and even explaining to her that I"m friends and not dating someone is a pain.  It would hurt to talk intensely about it right then.

I started feeling a bit nauseous one time when I tried to read all of the various sensory issue descriptions Amy (journey with Sam) had sent me.  I am blessed to not have issues that he has (a whole slew of things, and severely so).  What a struggle it must be for him (and, of course, her in raising him and his brothers).  I am essentially a functioning, socialized, "normal" adult (even if I'vd missed social cues at times so now I search them out).  I understand him liking to sleep under his weighted blanket.  I can imagine the comfort it'd impart, and enjoy blankets and my cats, myself.  And colors.  M and I are both very visual, yet I know I learn best "kinetically," (in lab classes and dancing workshops, most anything), and she may as well but I'm not positive.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses. 

"Society" can be too overwhelming.  (I know some things I need to refrain from, Dave and Busters is a bit much for me, and emotionally/ visually such as avoiding the holocaust videos that Guido shared, as I get nightmares, and even at times, the Wednesday Heros that Kathi posts cuz I see the sweet face and fear, oh Lord, did this boy die, too?)  Let the more subtle, glorious natural sensory stimulators be enjoyed.  I like those best sometimes:)

I don't even know if anything I've written here makes any sense to a reader; I'm trying to comprehend it for myself even.  Maybe as my life eases some, that'll help.  Dad and M both more in routines and I'm not keeping us out 2.5 hours later one night for me to also take an Irish step dance class, but going HOME, to Daisy and for us.  Maybe that's part of it, too, sometimes, for the smaller things, anyway.  (I felt as if on remote some of the days going through the court crap with C a few years back, trying to focus on M, instead.)  I like to be open to feeling, to living.  Sometimes I have to just balance it out, in ways different from how many others do.

And by now?  Boss came down, looked at the pie then realized it had a big blue candle in it.  Uh-hoh.  I teased him, "Would you prefer to celebrate NEXT year's birthday, or this year's?"  It's a big one next year.  That was expectionally good tasting pie, too, with fresh peaches that just, ummm.



  1. First of all thank you for dropping by my journal and taking the time to read...I appreciated that...and thank you for your comment. I will be sure to read your journal now. You my dear are a very good writer...but I bet you've been told that before. Hope you have a good day...June:)

  2. When I read your paragraph about appearing not to emote or care was as though I was reading my own words.  Everything you wrote applies to my feelings to the tee, interesting.
    I used to sweat the small stuff, as they say.  It took me years to realize it just isn't worth it, I see those around me doing so and remember when I used to be that way. Amish peach pie..can it get any better???  I enjoyed this entry very much.